The Onion?

The Onion....

New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves

WASHINGTON—Sponsors of the initiative said that with the national unemployment rate at just fewer than 10 percent, it only made sense for young job-seekers to temporarily enter a state of super cooled stasis.

 

Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary

COLUMBUS, OH—Department of Health and Human Services researchers are attributing the spike in cannabis consumption among 26-year-old Gary to a number of troubling factors, including Gary-related underemployment, decreased motivation, and prolonged exposure to Josh.

 

   

Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern

 ST. LOUIS—An educated gentleman of discerning tastes entered a reputable public house Tuesday, whereupon he reportedly purchased a Budweiser American Lager. 'The crisp smoothness of this beer must come from its use of the choicest rice,' said the gentleman, who after expertly swirling the bottle in his hand took note of an aroma that he presumed to be the legacy of many generations of brew masters and their uncompromising adherence to a classic recipe of five all-natural ingredients. 'And the distinct character of this lager is no doubt the product of its exclusive beech wood aging process. Truly, this is a king of beers.' Following the consumption of his eighth bottle, the gentleman excused himself, made his way into the lavatory, and vomited into a urinal.

I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw the Realtor's Headshot on the Sign

Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly. Sure, the place I ended up with isn't in the greatest shape, or even in the best part of town. And by any fair market estimate of its value, I certainly overpaid.

But as far as I was concerned, the deal was sealed the moment I saw real estate agent Mary T. Ellington looking back at me from that Re/Max sign, her face just barely visible over the rampant weeds growing in my new front lawn. For my money—$256,560 of it, to be exact—there's nothing like a poorly lit, oversaturated photograph to let me know that I'm working with a friend and not just someone out for an easy commission.

 

Obama To Revamp 'No Child Left Behind'

In his weekly radio address, President Obama announced plans to overhaul the previous administration's education policy. What do you think?

Mike Lisher,
Teacher
"As a teacher, I would just like to ask: Am I still going to be allowed to show movies during class, or what?"

 Max Funaro,
Systems Analyst
"The children are our future; let's worry about them then."

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