Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet
CLEARWATER, KS—'Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor,' a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone.
Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text.
Dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California gazed helplessly at the frightening chunk of print, unsure of what to do next. Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words.
Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous
DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he 'needed a sec' after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous. 'Oh jeez, I think I'm gonna throw up.'
Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight
Jenn Cosloy,
Business Affairs Manager 'Yeah, that's right, all this booze is making me real pretty. I'm a pretty lady. I'm a real pretty lady.'
—
Daryl Rusk,
Airport Shuttle Driver
"I'm worried people will just use this as an excuse to drink moderate amounts of wine."
Matt Hazelmeyer,
Systems Analyst
"Sure the weight-lowering and stress-reducing benefits are tempting, but just think of the slightly purple teeth!"
Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype?
Beepo the Dolphin
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