The Onion is strong with this one....

Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either 05.19.10

WASHINGTON—According to the poll—which surveyed members of the judicial, legislative, and executive branches—9 out of 10 government officials re ported feeling 'disillusioned' by the populace and claimed to have 'completely lost confidence' in the citizenry's ability to act in the nation's best interests.

Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources in his home and school, the inner fantasy life of 6-year-old Connor Haney is not at all unique or vibrant. "Standard imagination, really," his teacher Joan Pershing told reporters.

New Puppy Teaches Congress Important Lesson About Responsibility

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders report that Buster, the 7-month-old yellow Labrador Congress was allowed to keep amid much controversy last spring, has taught the nation's legislators some valuable lessons about responsibility.

A bipartisan commission of legislators holds Buster on the Senate floor.

"The skeptics believed that the House and Senate weren't ready for a puppy," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said. "They believed we wouldn't be able to maintain America's defenses, regulate commerce, and pass laws while raising Buster. But we have proven them wrong. We feed him and walk him every day."

Frist referred to a bicameral duty roster ratified Jan. 31.

"Congress knows who's supposed to take Buster when," Frist said. "If it's your turn to walk him and he's found tied to a handrail outside the U.S. Capitol, you're in serious trouble."

U.S. citizens initially questioned Congress' ability to care for a pet.

Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report published Monday in The Journal Of Gender Studies, many American women are bucking centuries of traditional gender roles by placing stunted, emotionally unfulfilling relationships on hold in order to pursue mind-numbing careers devoid of any upward mobility.
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~*Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.*~
I think some people in togas are plotting against me..