The Onion

 Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—'I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990],' said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. 'But the recent war in Iraq.....'

Players Giddy As Football Hall Of Fame Representative Rumored To Be Attending Super Bowl

MIAMI—Giddiness overtook the locker rooms of both Super Bowl teams Thursday when members of the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts caught wind that a representative from the Pro Football Hall of Fame might be attending the game next Sunday.Upon hearing the news, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly rushed to the team bathroom and began throwing up.

As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up

Ted Brimble

Future Of Moon Mission In Doubt

Matt Breckman,
Parking Attendant
'That's just another few years Buzz Aldrin will have to wait to get his wallet back.'

Jody Hanson,
Milk Hauler
"It's about time the government put space exploration in the capable hands of the private sector. I personally can't wait to ride on the Arby's 1."

Christian Yazbek,
Salt Spreader
"But moon people turned out in record droves to vote Democrat!"

Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

June 9, 2004 | Issue 40•23

MOSCOW—Orbiting the earth aboard the International Space Station, Expedition 9 scientists were chagrined to report a bevy of equipment and supply problems stemming from the behavior of an inquisitive raccoon Monday.

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