Friday, December 31, 2010

Only in Northern Michigan and The years weirdest and best....

VIDEO: Cat survives incredible journey
After searching for her lost cat for more than a month, Mary Ann Baldwin grudgingly gave up, thinking Stitch was gone for good.
__________________________________________________

2010's Top Cryptozoology 'Monsters'

Dec 30, 2010 - 7:33 AM |AOL News

The year was filled with tales of lake monsters, hairy creatures, unicorns and blood-sucking beasts. Here's a roundup of the best.

Top 10: The Best of the Bizarre

Dec 30, 2010 - 3:30 PM |AOL News

Giant MoonPies, Cherries and Sardines Get Dropped on New Year's Eve

Dec 30, 2010 - 7:23 AM |AOL News

Cops: Angry Flier Punches Teen Who Wouldn't Turn Off iPhone

Dec 29, 2010 - 3:01 PM |AOL News

Ada County Sheriff

Russell Miller, 68, allegedly socked the 15-year-old after the boy ignored a flight attendant's request to turn off electronics.

_______________________________________________________________________________
the Russian who died of a Viagra overdose

_______________________________________________________________________________

Shipment of Human Heads Found On Plane In Arkansas
Dog Spots Gator In Ohio.
New Jersey Woman Looking To Hold Heavy-Set Record
Money Found In Dog Poop

Happy New Year....



Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Okay?

Teenager changes name to Captain Fantastic
A teenager has changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

Onion New Year

Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys 07.30.03

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock knows all the keyboard combinations that execute a computer's common commands, the Comfort Uniforms employee said yet again Tuesday.


Census Finds Enough Homeless People Living In Public Library To Warrant Congressional District


Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars

'Of course! Russia saved billions by using the same strategy for its submarine program.'





Tuesday, December 28, 2010

PUT THE GIANT SNOWMAN BACK!

Police continue to seek vandals who damaged Bronner's
FRANKENMUTH (AP) — The Grinch and his henchmen targeted a popular Christmas store in mid-Michigan on Christmas Day, pummeling a life-sized... Read More

For Christmas, a trip back to the 1980s
Leave the 80's alone for everyone's sake.....

Audubon Club completes 58th Christmas Bird Count
Phew! I was worried it wouldn't happen....

Five generations of Thallers
Do I want to know what a "Thaller" does?








Sunday, December 26, 2010

Option Onion

No One Knows Who Female Star Athlete In Nike Commercial Is 09.24.10

NEW YORK—A recent Nike commercial featuring star players from both the NBA and NFL also includes an evidently prominent African-American female athlete, though sources confirmed Thursday that not a single viewer knows her name or what sport she plays.


Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale


Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards

'That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure Americans just did what they do best: used the cash they had on hand for the things they really needed and waited until they'd saved up enough to purchase any luxury items.'

This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter

by a Hamster

Okay, okay, no more screwing around. Let's get serious here. I've been putting off running on this squeaky, plastic wheel all day long...


My mom says I have to start being a nice upstanding woman....What fun would that be?


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

NYTimes: Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla....(REALLY????...NO, REALLY???)

You get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach...Because it's such a cold thing to do and then to try to make it sound so "Theme To A Love Story" makes you nauseous and sorry for the spouses that got blindsided. From The New York Times:

Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla
By DEVAN SIPHER

After a first attraction when they were each married to someone else, a couple are married after intervening years. ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html.
For more comments:
http://community.nytimes.com/comments/www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html
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This is so much like my cat (except mine is part Maine Coon and is really fuzzy and tiger striped....)


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Monday, December 20, 2010

Santa got hungover with a reindeer.....In Northern Michigan.....


A Manistee County man is in jail, after he was arrested for stealing beer from an Onekama tavern....


(No we're not kidding....)

_________________________

'Tis the season for re-gifting; residents admit they've recycled gifts
Receiving a perfectly good bottle of cologne that she didn't happen to care for, one local woman re-gifted it.

DON'T YOU REALIZE- WE'RE LIVING IN MAD MAX TIMES!!!!


Mid-Michigan drivers paying highest December gas prices in three years
Mid-Michigan gasoline buyers this week continued to pay the highest December prices in three years....

I REST MY CASE....

___________________________






Friday, December 17, 2010

Be alone and okay with it.

The Onion and USA TODAY

Manmohan Singh - The First Sikh Prime Minister Of...Okay, Here's What A Sikh Is 12.16.10

As the first Sikh elected to India's highest office, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has helped change the face of…okay, just so we don't get too ahead of ourselves here, we should probably explain what a Sikh is.

Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now


Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards

'That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure Americans just did what they do best: used the cash they had on hand for the things they really needed and waited until they'd saved up enough to purchase any luxury items.'

Onion SportsDome: Get Sportsed

Go in depth with the hosts of Onion SportsDome, premiering Tuesday, January 11.

___________________________________________Crazier things that have happened:as reported by USA TODAY__________________________________________________________________


Cops: Man tries to run down woman after wedding proposal

Bus driver flattens snowman, loses job

Smoking chimp rescued in Lebanon, sent to Brazil

A scuba diver who came face-to-teeth with a shark used a camera to fend off the animal when it came at him with its teeth bared and he has...
Just how mini can a miniskirt be?
A Michigan man will attempt to hold 12 hissing cockroaches in his mouth for 10 seconds to set the new Guinness World Record and raise money...



Thursday, December 9, 2010

ONION-powered.....


Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right

I've often asked this question.

Report: "There"..... Probably Not The Best Place To Stand

Unabomber Property Down In Price

'That would be the perfect place to park my Kevorkian van.'

Will Semi-Success Spoil Jean Teasdale?

by Jean Teasdale

2010 was a banner year at good ol' Casa Teasdale. In March, the tire center gave Hubby Rick a $2-an-hour raise.


Texan Says He's Had Much Better In Texas


________________________________

Only in Northern Michigan

Cute, but a little squirrelly

You're point?

St. Louis won't waive late fees for prison utility bills
The state of Michigan wants St. Louis city to shave $18,000 off its monthly utility bill. Read More

Pay it ya cheap muthers! What makes you so much better than everyone else?

Public meeting set for Dec. 21 on St. Louis-Alma joint <insert inhaling sound> water system
In order to prepare for a proposed combined Alma and St. Louis water authority, the city commission of Alma and the St. Louis city council are going... Read More

We all saw this coming when they legalized medicinal marijuana....

Camp officially elected

I didn't know camps could run for office?

Saturday in Shepherd

....unlike any Saturday that you've ever experienced before....

_____________________________

<insert theme from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" here>






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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Only In Northern Michigan

We are following breaking news this morning out of Mecosta County where a homeowner shot at an intruder multiple times.


VIDEO: Several thousand students stage flash mob at CMU
http://www.themorningsun.com/articles/2010/12/07/news/doc4cfd9ec95bf55492842360.txt

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Onion in December

Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life 12.01.10

MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz, and apologized for continually foiling him at every turn.



20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America


TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop

Color-Coded Alert System Canceled

'That's probably for the best. I was getting sick of forgetting to check the advisory before traveling.'


Ask A Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client

by Peter Sartell

Dear Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client, Nothing would make me happier than finally organizing my garage, but the back wall is cluttered with dozens of old, half-empty cans of paint and wood stain. Getting rid of these eyesores would...



Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Onions

'L.A. Law' Wikipedia Page Viewed 874 Times Today 11.24.10

SAN FRANCISCO—According to an analysis of IP addresses and Internet traffic statistics, the Wikipedia page for the 1980s-era NBC legal drama L.A. Law has been viewed a total of 874 times today.




Group That Makes Dodge Truck Commercials Called 'Creative Team'

George W. Bush Forgets To Mention 9/11 In Memoir



St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City

'Well, it is such a depressing, pessimistic city, what with that gigantic frown monument they have there.'


Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon

President Obama announces plans to deliver a two-hour speech explaining his reasons for granting clemency to Cranberry, the Thanksgiving turkey.


Mom, Jeremy Won't Let Me Create An Atmosphere Of Sustained Menace

by Daniel Gellman

He's doing it again, Mom. Mom! Jeremy's doing it again. Tell him to stop! I'm serious. All I'm trying to do is cultivate and maintain an atmosphere of sustained menace, and he won't let me.






Just because everyone should at least once see an anime character in concert in front of some really different fans.
I'm telling you, if it's weird, digital, or mathematically inclined... it just might be Japanese.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Thanks for Giving

Okay, here's my thing...You might be broke this week. But, you have food. You might be lonely right now and dreading your family feast on Thursday, but at least you have family. You might not like where you are living sometimes,but there is a roof over your head. Go out now and take some food to a soup kitchen,volunteer there if you're alone- go to a food pantry with a load of canned food and toiletries. Set aside your pocket change and load it in your pockets for bell ringers when you shop. You're blessed. Act like it. Give back and give thanks! Happy Thanksgiving!
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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Glad Tidings of Turkey Day....

Oh why the hell not?!?

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/thanksgiving/hotline.asp



_______________________________________________________________________________________

Only in Michigan


Drug toss gets mom, son busted
Another attempt to lob contraband over the prison walls in St. Louis resulted in two arrests with more to follow. Read More

Students banned from CMU library for toy guns
Three Central Michigan University students were banned from the Charles V. Park Library Thursday after going into a meeting room with what appeared... Read More

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Only in Michigan and other toxic waste sites....

They're waiting for Binky the Three-eyed Fish to weigh in on the matter....

St. Louis cleanup review delayed again
The group of people from the Environmental Protection Agency in Washington, D.C., who will decide on the cleanup of the Velsicol plant site is called... Read More




Tuesday, November 16, 2010

94 year old with a gun

http://www.themorningsun.com/articles/2010/11/16/news/doc4ce19ef118fdc461840855.txt. 94-year-old bags eight-pointer on Opening DayVincent Brown, a 94-year-old retired dentist from Mt. Pleasant, shot an eight-point buck before noon Monday, the opening day of firearm deer hunting... GAH!
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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Snopes, Only in Northern Michigan and of course more Onions.

Snopes
Teacher imparts a lesson in the value of freedom by having veterans return her students' desks.
Does Best Buy charge a 15% restocking fee on returned merchandise?
Prayers are requested for the Darkhorse Marine battalion fighting in Afghanistan.
A damaged saguaro cactus killed the man who harmed it by falling on him.

_________Only in Northern Michigan___________________
A taste for the exotic
It used to be, pork was the other white meat. Read More

Please don't scare me.

________________Onion ____________________________________

Report: Global Warming Issue From 2 Or 3 Years Ago May Still Be Problem 11.10.10

WASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Center for Global Development, climate change, the popular mid-2000s issue that raised awareness of the fact that the earth's continuous rise in temperature will have catastrophic ecological effects, has apparently not been resolved, and may still be a problem.


Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed


Local Man Foremost Expert On What The Terrorists Should Do If They Really Want To Hurt Us

Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters'



If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well


Magical Girlfriend Transmutes Guilt Into Precious Stones


'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall


Only in Northern Michigan -movie review, and "In Memoriam".

Isabella County. gas prices remain high
http://www.themorningsun.com/articles/2010/11/14/business/srv0000009946229.txt.
Really?
______________________
Skyline.
http://movieexpertblog.com/skyline-review-and-synopsis-11293.html
..........Is stupid....And confusing...
_____________________
In Memorial:

Inky
April 2002-Nov. 4, 2010
She came, she purred, she conquered. We will miss you little girl. She was an ebony beauty.
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Friday, November 5, 2010

Only in Northern Michigan

No probably not.
Nothing I haven't done before.

Police plan extra patrols for Western Weekend
When the Western Michigan Broncos come to Mt. Pleasant for Friday night's football game with Central Michigan University, area police agencies..

Cha!?!

Federal agents raid pharmacies (36)
No Midol?




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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Onion bastards

Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History 11.03.10

WASHINGTON—In the wake of what is being called the deadliest midterm election in the nation's history, Washington's sole surviving politician, Rep. Peter DeFazio of Oregon's 4th Congressional District, emerged from the rubble of the Capitol building Wednesday to announce his intention to rebuild the fallen U.S. government.


Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress


Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead

A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the 'Department of the Dead.'


This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House

by Jessica Postma

Okay, that is it. Timothy, Rebecca, come here this instant! I've simply had it with you two. I thought I heard a .357 Magnum round discharge, and sure enough, what do I find when I open the end-table drawer but your father's still-smoking Desert Eagle.


New Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don't Want To Have A Country Anymore

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Snopes

Was an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents suppressed for being 'too horrifying'?
YEP.
Information about restaurant chains offering free meals to U.S. military personnel in conjunction with Veterans Day.
A yep!
Image purportedly used in a 1979 Pakistan airline advertisement shows the shadow of a jetliner on the World Trade Center towers.
Not cool!
How to send holiday cards to U.S. service members and veterans through the "Holiday Mail for Heroes" program.
Cool!
Weather maps with some unusually suggestive shapes.
OH MY!
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Onion me

Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race. http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/yard-sign-with-candidates-name-on-it-electrifies-c,18321/?mobile=true. ______________________________________
Sony Stops Making Walkman 'But what if I need to convince a coma patient that it's 1985?'
http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/sony-stops-making-walkman,18348/?mobile=true. ------------------------------------------------------
My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is On A Map; I Don't, And I Never Will....by Ron Johnson

"As your Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, I'm grateful to have this opportunity to reach out to the people of Wisconsin and draw some distinctions between myself—a D.C.". http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/my-opponent-knows-where-washington-is-on-a-map-i-d,18330/?mobile=true. _______________________________________
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

NYTimes: 48th Is Not a Good Place

From The New York Times:

48th Is Not a Good Place (and no one is kidding)...

The quality of math and science education in the United States remains grim and must be improved. ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/26/opinion/26tue2.html


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Monday, October 25, 2010

Only In Northern Michigan

Electricity Coming to Remote Area of Chippewa Co. http://www.9and10news.com/Category/Story/?id=264019&cID=1 Seriously? I knew people around here were about thirty years behind everyone else-but what's next? Troops being sent to Europe to fight Gerry?
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Thursday, October 21, 2010

The more wretched Onion

Cockroach King Concerned Over Recent Rise Of Bedbugs 10.20.10

GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday that the recent rise in bedbug populations could threaten his sovereignty over the realm of human squalor.

American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways


Feds 'Friending' People On Facebook To Spy

'That would probably explain all those videos in my feed of Keyboard Cat playing off deportees.'


Hey, Come On In, Sorry About All The Dead Pets

by Dorothy Goodman

Hello, hello, so good to see you! Please, come in! Did you have any trouble finding the house? The turn comes up quickly after you make the right on Lake Street, so some people end up driving right past it.

Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Only in Northern Michigan and ONION POWER!!!

A woman's screams led police to a slithery discovery last night behind a Traverse City business.....

I'm saying nothing...


___________________ONION_________________________

Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship 10.13.10

WASHINGTON 裕housands thronged the docks of the capital seaport last week to watch as Congressmen boarded galleys and set sail in search of the Lost Sword of Bipartisanship, a holy relic that according to legend has the power to restore collegial relations and procedural harmony to the legislative branch.

8-Year-Old Asian Mix Wins Westminster Boy Show

Art World Relieved As Thieves Steal Pretty Terrible Late Period Renoir Work



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Ooops she did it again...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Buses rerouted due to funky smell...

http://www.9and10news.com/Category/Story/?id=260769&cID=1 Odor Causes Buses to Reroute: Elementary were rerouted away from school this morning when the principal sensed a funny smell.

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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Stop complaining about your job....

Only in Northern Michigan

GREG NELSON: Looking for love in all the wrong places
Dude.Really?

Botulism is Back: Dead Birds Expected on Lake Michigan Shoreline
Someone best be telling them to stop drinking the Lake Michigan water.

OIL SPILL UPDATE: Clean-Up Continues At Cheboygan County Beach
Or the game of "Wack a Oil Spill" continues unabated.
_______________________________

Snopes


A one-year-old girl named Gabrielle Dahm is missing from her home in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

About the process of producing mechanically separated chicken.
Eww.

Information about the spread and extermination of bedbugs.
Oh bigger Eww!!!

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Muther of Onion

97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy

Area Woman Has More Than 200 Products To Help Calm Her


Postal Rate Increase Denied

'They do have a terrible business model. They should go into landscaping instead.'


Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings


Letters To The Editor »
Dear The Onion,
I enjoyed your article on Julie Benz's summer home in the Hamptons so much that I left it dog-eared on the subway for others to enjoy.
If you receive any letters thanking someone for doing this, please forward them to me.

— Tom Rivers, New York

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Sunday, October 3, 2010

More Wretched Snopes

Do photographs show an SUV impaled by a guardrail?
Yep, they sure do...

*VIRUS* New variant of the 'Package Delivery Failure' virus masquerades as USPS delivery notices.*VIRUS*
There's good news tonight.

Photographs purportedly show activists displaying defaced U.S. and Arizona flags during a protest over an Arizona immigration law.
*sigh*


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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Animal spirits

From The New York Times:

The New American Normal
By ROGER COHEN

As the U.S. descends into tribal division, expect the "animal spirits" to keep on hoarding. ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/28/opinion/28iht-edcohen.html


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NYTimes: Owner of Segway Company Dies in a Segway Accident

From The New York Times:

Owner of Segway Company Dies in a Segway Accident
By SARAH LYALL and JULIA WERDIGIER

James W. Heselden, 62, died Sunday after plunging from a cliff in West Yorkshire, England, apparently while on a Segway, the police said. ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/28/technology/28segway.html

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Monday, September 27, 2010

Tweet from @TwittterRock

@TwittterRock: "Darth Maul: More proof, as if we needed it, that clowns are evil." #starwars fun@ http://bit.ly/33sF0H


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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Uh...um, The Onion?

Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus 09.22.10

WASHINGTON 輸ccording to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water- retaining desert plant since he took office.

____________________


Mexico Killed In Drug Deal

_________


I Have Proof That For the Past 3 Months, The CIA Has Been Running A Covert Operation To Make This An Awesome Summer

_________

Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole

_________

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker


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Ooops she did it again...

snopes.com: Criminals Accidentally Dial 911

http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/911.asp

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snopes.com: Leaf Pile Fatality

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/leafpile.asp

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Mother of Zodd!!! "@ZenShadow: Palin's secret nickname for herself is 'Sarah the Savior' ".
*************************

Caption of the moment

By Dirigo:


Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Mexico...

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