Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Onion soup


Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think?

Danielle Molinaro,
Systems Analyst
"If you're trying to sucker me into running a mouse-cancer 5K, I'm not going to do it. I've lost too many weekends to those things."


LaVon Wilson,
Networking Consultant
"At least it made those tumors 41 percent more radiant."


Warren Peller,
Backhoe Operator
"What about eye shadow? Can I still apply eye shadow to my mice?"

Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

August 25, 2008 | Issue 44•35

DES MOINES, IA—Area grandmother Eileen Lankford, 82, announced Tuesday that a hummingbird, which she has reported seeing on multiple occasions in the past several weeks, was back at the birdfeeder outside her kitchen window.

"My little friend was back today," said Lankford, who has spent the past three afternoons periodically looking out the window to check if the hummingbird had returned. "We had a very nice time together."

In a series of voicemail messages and notes to her children, Lankford informed them that the hummingbird stopped by her home at approximately 12:05 p.m.

"I was waiting around all morning, and then suddenly there he was," Lankford said. "I thought the little fellow would fly off right away, but no, he decided to stay for a meal."

Lankford ate a chicken salad sandwich wrapped in a napkin while watching the bird.

The hummingbird

Referring to the hummingbird as her "special visitor," Lankford said she was impressed by the bird's appetite, noting that he "certainly liked to get his tiny beak in there." Lankford was reportedly delighted that the hummingbird found the food to be appetizing, though she did express concern that the small creature might choke from eating so quickly.

Lankford confirmed it was the same hummingbird that had made previous appearances at the feeder, claiming she recognized it by its handsomeness.

"He is quite dapper, and has such a lovely color," Lankford said.

The hummingbird sighting is only the latest in a series of events that has prompted Lankford to compose handwritten letters to her loved ones. In the past year, the grandmother of six has alerted her family members to such occasions as the blooming of the tulips, the blooming of the azaleas, the first dusting of snow, and her birthday.

Although she called it "a shame" that the hummingbird could not stay at the feeder for more than 15 minutes, the recently widowed Lankford acknowledged that the busy bird probably has a family of its own it needs to care for.

"He flaps his wings so much," Lankford said. "I don't know how he does it without stopping to take a nap, my goodness."

Lankford, who received the birdfeeder as a Christmas gift from her two granddaughters in 2005, said her late husband John used to fill the feeder every morning with an artificial nectar solution of water, white granulated sugar, and red food coloring. According to Lankford, a neighbor boy she hired to mow her lawn now performs the task, though on several occasions he has accidentally spilled the solution on the ground.

"I just wish he'd be a little more careful," Lankford said. "That food is for the hummingbirds, not the bees and the ants."

Lankford has experienced a number of other setbacks with the birdfeeder in the past few months, including mold forming inside the apparatus, and the wind blowing it to the ground. The feeder, however, sustained no permanent damage, and was able to be restored to its proper position three weeks later when Lankford's son visited to install her bedroom air conditioner.

The hummingbird's appearance marks the most notable event to take place in Lankford's backyard since May, when Lankford reported seeing a cat she didn't recognize.

Although the small bird has not returned since Tuesday, Lankford plans to remain stationed in the kitchen until two hours past dusk each night to ensure that she does not miss it.

"I hope he comes back again soon," Lankford said. "Every time I see him frolicking around, it makes me smile."

"He's so full of life," she added.


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Clearly, brillance = Insanity^3

My dad has three clocks in his living room. I think he still has two in his kitchen and two in the basement. One in every bedroom....
My father is brilliant, and helped develop Ziploc bags for Dow Chemical. He has many patents for which he received a dollar each.

This ones for you Dad:

Nikola Tesla, who is my personal favorite, and is up there in my book, with Albert Einstein and the dude in the wheel chair.....*wink*
ONE OF THE SEVEN GENIUSES who were clearly just insane....
http://www.cracked.com/article_16559_7-eccentric-geniuses-who-were-clearly-just-insane.html
Nikola Tesla, Physicist & Engineer, 1856-1943

The Genius:

Finally getting the posthumous credit his work deserves, Nikola Tesla offered an astonishing number of contributions to science. Our personal support of Tesla is already well documented. And again. But, you don't have to take our word for it. Labeled by Robert Lomas as "the man who invented the 20th century", Nikola Tesla played a major part in the discovery of:

-Radio

-A/C Electricity

-Computers

-Robotics

-Radar

-Ballistics

-Nuclear Physics

The Insanity:

Tesla suffered from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. So, for instance, where Michelangelo's personal hygiene was appallingly bad, Tesla's was appallingly good--cripplingly so. Tesla was a severe germophobe and refused to touch anything bearing the slightest hint of dirt. Tesla also refused to touch anything round, which makes some quite obvious hurdles for an engineer.

Apart from dodging germs and round objects, Tesla's OCD manifested itself in threes. Before entering a building, he would walk three times around the block. When staying in hotels, he insisted on a room number divisible by three. At each meal, he would use 18 napkins: three stacks of six.

Why he needed 18 napkins instead of, say, three, indicates that he apparently was not afraid of a nice rack of barbecue ribs.


Ribs, um, I will enjoy them...





ALCOHOL MAY BE A FACTOR

DRIVER HITS PEDESTRIAN IN LEELANAU COUNTY, ALCOHOL MAY BE A FACTOR

Police believe a man was under the influence of alcohol when he lost
control of his mini van and hit a woman walking in Leelanau County.  It
happened around 8:30 Tuesday night on South Cedar Road near Alpine.

Police say the 53-year-old man from Cedar went off the road and hit the
63-year-old woman from Traverse City as she walked in a ditch. 

They
arrested the man for suspicion of operating under the influence. 
The woman was taken to the hospital but will be okay.

ALCOHOL MAY BE A FACTOR...."Ya think?"

Monday, August 25, 2008

What? I'm not snarky!

The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Take a man. Add eye work (unisex glasses if eye wear is needed)and Botox. Mix in a bad haircut or unfashionably long hair--if possible a dye job. A little doughy-ness doesn't hurt, either. Have a weakness for turtlenecks and by all means fight aging like it's a battle you can win if you try just a little harder, and there you have it: The winning formula to become a man who looks like an old lesbian.

We asked Keith Mays, author of the blog that started a phenomenon and pioneer in the field of men who look like old lesbians, to run down the 25 best examples of this confounding phenomenon and he happily obliged, including a handful of newly discovered men who look like old lesbians.

#25.
Chuck Klosterman




APHORISM



 

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH:

 

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter





Snoping out the news

http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/largestpool.asp
Makes you want to throw a tootsie roll in there doesn't it?

http://www.snopes.com/media/iftrue/obituary.asp

Not only can your children put you in a nursing home, they can affix your various faults and down falls in print after death.
So be nice!

http://www.snopes.com/photos/accident/windmill.asp

Um......YIKES!




Wednesday, August 20, 2008

♫ Onion ♫

Area Woman Will See Any Movie That Takes Place Between 1743 And 1919

August 20, 2008 | Issue 44•34

JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—-Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will watch any period film set within a strict historical time frame of 1743 and 1919, sources reported Monday. "If there's a Gilded Age plantation house or a tilbury horse-drawn carriage in the trailer, you can be sure Lauren will be in the theater opening weekend," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "There's just something about the span of years between the War of Austrian Succession and the end of the Spanish influenza epidemic that sweeps her right off her feet." Although he has dutifully viewed more than a dozen films set in the Victorian era in the past year alone, Vernacini said his girlfriend has yet to watch any of his favorite films, with the exception of the 12 minutes of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure that feature Napoleon Bonaparte.


Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium

Many homeowners are having to remove their new countertops because the granite in them has been found to emit hazardous levels of radon. What do you think?

Sharon Kypke,
Horse Trainer
"I wondered why my Kenmore under-cupboard Geiger counter was going crazy."

Dick Jefferts,
Systems Analyst
"Get rid of my gorgeous granite countertops just because of some measly radiation emissions? I don't think so. From now on, it's daily potassium iodide tablets for me and my family."


Raul Parsons,
Security Guard
"It's really the kids I feel sorry for. Those spoiled, rotten kids


Oh, No! Dirt Bikes!

By A Dirt Bike Ramp
August 20, 2008 | Issue 44•34


Ah, isn't summer just wonderful? Why, I could lay here all day, surrounded by my little forest friends, and never tire!

Good morning, singing bluebirds! How are you today? Good morning, rustling leaves! Enjoying the cool breeze? Good morning, high-pitched revving of engines and frightening squealing of tires! What are your plans for this splendid—hey, hold on a second! You guys aren't my friends. You're…you're…. Oh, no! Please no! Stop, not again!

Gaahhhhh! Dirt bikes!

Okay, okay. You're okay now. Just a couple of minor scrapes, that's all. No need to panic. They're gone now. Those mean old dirt bikes won't bother you anymore. Why, the whole thing was probably just a big misunderstanding! Maybe they didn't even see you here. Yes, that's it—they probably didn't even notice you were in their way. After all, what have you ever done to those nasty dirt bikes that they'd want to run you over?

Now, where was I? Ah yes, back to counting the clouds. Hello, cloud number 54, you look like a…tree stump! Hello, cloud number 55, you look just like a…. Oh my, they appear to be coming back. To apologize this time, I'm sure. "Sorry, little dirt bike jump," they'll say. "We certainly hope you're not banged up too bad. Can you find it in your great big heart to forgive us?" Gee whiz, they must feel terrible, because they sure are coming in fast and—aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Not the face! Anything but the face! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Okay, that wasn't a mistake. That was most definitely on purpose this time. I think one of them was even laughing—as if he were having fun or something! What is this? Some kind of sick pastime to you people? Is this how you people get your kicks? You stupid imps! You dumb ignoramuses! Don't you brutes have anything better to do?

Argghhh! Unhand me, fools! Get off! GET OFF ME! Help, I can't breathe!

Oh, thank goodness—there are people coming. There's a crowd gathering! They'll save me! They'll stop these nitwits! Wait…why are you all cheering? No, don't encourage them! Stop applauding! Stop, I say! Can't you see I'm dying over here? Good gravy, is that…is that a video camera? You barbarians! Are you actually recording this?

And those children—you people brought your kids out to see this? While you're at it, there's a slaughterhouse a few miles down the road. Why don't you take your 8-year-olds there next? You despicable fiends! You contemptuous dunces! Shame on you! You should all be sent to the pillory!

I don't understand. Why me? What is it about me you people hate? Why do you feel the constant need to run me over? I'm just an innocent little dirt bike jump!

Stop, stop, no more! Look, can't we all just come to a friendly little agreement here? Can't we all just get al—ooooowww! Ow! Ow! Ow! Enough—enough! I surrender!

Oh now you've really done it. Just look at me! Tire tracks going every which way. Dirt all over the place. No wonder these dirt bikes have no respect for me. Heck, if I saw myself just lying there on the ground, like some pathetic mound of nothing, I'd probably even—HOLY MOTHER OF MERCY! MY BACK! OH DEAR LORD, MY BACK!

Wait a second, what's going on? Why is everybody so quiet all of a sudden? It looks like—yes!—he fell! He flipped and fell on his stupid head! Huzzah! En garde! Take that, rapscallion! Take that, you ugly troglodyte! That ought to teach you not to ruffle my feathers. Maybe now you'll think twice before…oh, my stars…that's…that's an awful lot of blood….

Umm, listen fellows. Heh heh. It was all just an accident, right? Just a tiny little goof? I mean, we were all having fun, and he was going oh so fast, and…. Guys? Guys?!?

NO, PLEASE! NOT THE AMBULANCE! DON'T DRIVE THE AMBULANCE OVER ME!
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If a picture paints a thousand words....


Then these should shut you up.





Monday, August 18, 2008

Courage "Nike"

Re: Santa is Fe- Maley




I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...

 

spacer

 

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!






Insanitarium



Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


____________________________________________________________@U@_____________________________________________________________________




Saturday, August 16, 2008

Snopy


Okay, generally I don't post Snopes unless they are real or really cool or really funny.

This is just really McCain and really ironic: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/obamaheals.asp
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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Only in Northern Michigan....




Nothin more dangerous than a Northern Red Neck.
Open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and kick back and take a gander at these....If you can read....

A COUPLE ARRESTED IN EMMET COUNTY ASSAULT
Police arrested a couple they say broke into an Emmet County home and
attacked the people who lived there. Police say the husband and wife
intruders knew the roommates living in the house, but weren't on speaking
terms. (So, these were friends of theirs...Ho boy...) The break-in happened Wednesday morning at a house near Harbor
Springs. Police say John and Kimberly Gratch got into the house through
an unlocked door. (these were friends of theirs, probably were watching their boxed set of "My name is Earl") When asked to leave, the couple started attacking the
victims. Police caught the husband and wife a few minutes after they
left. During the arrest, police say Kimberly Gratch kicked a trooper and
two deputies.


*My hand goes over my face and I hide my despair.*
I'm so proud.
Lord, help my state.

THIEVES STEAL BOAT IN MECOSTA COUNTY
Police believe about five people took part in stealing a boat in Mecosta
County. Deputies say the boat was stolen from the Muskegon River near 12
Mile Road and 183rd Avenue in Mecosta Township. It happened last night
around 10:00. They say it was a 14-foot aluminum flat bottom boat. The
thieves also stole the 5-horsepower motor that was on the boat.

.....Ah, YE FRICKEN HA! Let's get hopped up on gasoline fumes and steal a boat...Cuz there's just so much to be done with a 5 horsepower motor and an aluminum boat...Like, fishin....Yeah, we're not red necks....Pass me a Pabst.
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~This is what Kid Rock wants to sing about? That whole concept frightens me.~


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Onion Tree


Entire Refrigerator Rearranged To Accommodate Leftover KFC Bucket

August 11, 2008 | Issue 44•33

PIERRE, SD—After several unsuccessful attempts to insert a KFC bucket into his cluttered refrigerator Thursday, local man Jeremy Browning, 32, was forced to rearrange every item in the 24.5-cubic-foot cooling appliance to make the chicken container fit.

Jeremy Browning's refrigerator.

"At first I tried to just shove it in real hard and push the [refrigerator] door closed," Browning told reporters. "But the door wouldn't close."

Although Browning claims he initially tried to eat all 15 pieces of the Original Recipe chicken, the quantity proved too great and he realized that his only option to preserve the remaining four pieces for future consumption was to store the KFC bucket in his refrigerator. However, the 10-inch-tall, eight-inch-wide fried-chicken receptacle proved too large.

"It was too tall, so I had to lower the shelf a notch," said Browning, who removed each of the items from his refrigerator's top shelf and then placed them on the floor in front of him in order to make the adjustment.

However, Browning soon found that there was little available space remaining when he attempted to return the provisions from the floor to the now-bucket-occupied shelf. In addition, Browning noticed that the bucket was pressing against the refrigerator's lightbulb, raising concerns that it might melt and contaminate the chicken.

After briefly assessing the situation, Browning developed a solution that involved moving several Styrofoam containers, fast-food bags, and a frying pan covered with a plate from the top shelf to the middle shelf. However, this only created a new organizational dilemma. The refrigerator door again failed to close properly, because, according to Browning, "something kept hitting something."

Browning confirmed that he was eventually able to make room for the bucket by piling various food items on top of each other and turning boxes and other containers on their sides. He was particularly proud of a four-item-high vertical stack of a take-out rice container, a tub of cream cheese, and two nearly empty salsa jars.

"That one was tricky," said Browning, noting that he put the "less useful stuff" toward the back of the shelf because he knew he would not get to last week's leftovers until he finished the chicken.

Asked if there was ever a point during the reorganization of his refrigerator when he considered discarding the bucket and wrapping the remaining pieces of chicken in aluminum foil, Browning told reporters, "No."

"You don't eat chicken off a plate," he said. "Chicken tastes better out of the bucket."

"You put the bucket in your lap and eat right over it," Browning continued. "That way you catch and save all the little fried bits and eat them when you're out of chicken."

Upon finding room for the bucket, Browning discovered he still had a surplus of food items with no place to be stored, even after he transferred a loaf of white bread and an apple to the freezer. He initially contemplated flipping the quarts of milk and orange juice on their sides, but ultimately decided the risk of spilled liquid was too great. Instead, Browning was able to create a minimal amount of room by folding in half a pizza box containing a single slice left over from three nights ago.

According to sources, Browning at one point went so far as to drink the remaining half of a two-liter bottle of Pepsi in an ill-fated attempt to free up space in the refrigeration unit's side-door soda caddy.

"Everything kept sliding under the bar, though," Browning said. "I could hear everything fall out when I shut the door. I think because it's slanted."

Browning said his biggest breakthrough occurred when he finally began to fully utilize the dairy compartment by filling it with smaller food items, including part of a lime, a small stack of white Kraft Singles, and a Ziploc bag of ground beef. In addition, Browning was able to find a home in the vegetable crisper for the box of KFC biscuits from last month.

Although Browning was reportedly satisfied with his newly organized refrigerator, he did admit that he had trouble closing the door until he removed a box of baking soda that prevented it from properly sealing.
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New Weather Channel Sitcom About Three Guys, Three Girls, One Storm System

August 13, 2008 | Issue 44•33


ATLANTA—Marking the network's first foray into episodic comedy, executives at the Weather Channel announced Monday that they are wrapping up production on a new series titled Batten The Hatches!, a sitcom about six professional twentysomethings and an unpredictable low pressure system named Arthur. "Get ready to laugh out loud when that incorrigible old Arthur soaks his buddy Dave right before his big date," Weather Channel program director Michael Reardon said. "Just ask [the program's other characters] Rick, Tim, Dave, Dawn, Janie, and Lois: When you're best friends with a 125-mile-wide extratropical cyclone, anything can happen." Batten The Hatches! is expected to greatly outperform C-Span's first original show, Out Of Session, a single-camera dramedy that follows the procedural mediation between the 535 members of Congress and their sexy roommate, Pamela Anderson.


*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*

McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia

A Wikipedia editor claims that John McCain's speech about the Russian-Georgian hostilities was largely lifted from the website's entry on Georgia. What do you think?


Peter Tong,
Grocer
"Really? I'm going to go put my name in Wikipedia's 'Health Care' article and wait to see if I get mentioned in the debates."


Blaine Principle,
Systems Analyst
"What a sorry way to treat the nation of Georgia, whose capital, Tbilisi, was featured in Splinter Cell for Xbox and PC."


Carol Williams,
Quality Control Inspector
"I don't see what the big deal is. I ripped off Wikipedia when you guys asked me about that Kosher meatpacking plant the other day."



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People With That Brain-Eating Virus Should Really Just Take A Sick Day

By Rachel Langly
August 13, 2008 | Issue 44•33


I know we live in a career-oriented society, but if you ask me, people's priorities in the workplace are all out of whack. Sure, everyone wants to shine, to be that "go-to" gal or guy, but sometimes it goes too far. In my opinion, when you come down with something, be it the common cold, the flu, or that brain-eating virus that's been going around, you should just take a sick day. It's a simple matter of courtesy to those around you.

No one is so "indispensable" that they can't take a day off without everything going off the rails. I know I'd rather do a little extra filing than have to watch someone's brain get slowly devoured by a deadly parasitic organism in the middle of a meeting, for Pete's sake.

Coming into the office with anything more than the sniffles is just unprofessional.

If you know you've contracted an airborne pathogen that attacks the cerebellum like millions of tiny, insatiable sharks, why not do us all a favor and keep your contagious self home in bed? In this Information Age, most work can be done from home anyway. It's just as easy to get an e-mail saying "My head! Kill me! Please, someone kill me!" than to hear Julie Weingarten scream it at the top of her lungs from the next cubicle.

Remember the time Keith caught that weird stomach virus from his son, and within two weeks everyone in the office had come down with it? Well, I was sick for two days, and all I thought was, "Keith, why did you even come in today?" The office would be a lot more productive if there were fewer government agents in hazmat suits traipsing in and out to drag people off to containment facilities, I tell you.

And when you consider the fact that this brain-eating virus carves out tunnels in your frontal lobes, makes your eyeballs bleed, and swells your glands up to eight times their normal size before it chews away the last vestige of your conscious self, it should be pretty obvious to anyone that you have something serious enough to call in sick for. If you don't stay at home and get better, you just take up valuable time, the whole system gets backed up, and then Harvey's breathing down everyone's neck about falling behind.

God, I miss Harvey.

Plus, according to the emergency warning announcements blaring out of every loudspeaker in the city, being out of doors at all is dangerous. Yet these same people—who can barely even get from room to room without walking into a wall 10 or 15 times—have the nerve to get behind the wheel and commute to work! What if they hit a kid?

And those annoying exploding pustules that shoot green mucus across the room—yuck! Jerry was in the kitchen with me when those sores decided to go off, and one landed right in my salad! I had to throw it out! I'm still a little peeved at him, even after he drowned himself in a mop bucket to stop the pain.

It's just more work for the rest of us when we have to drag your diseased corpses into the parking lot and incinerate them with flamethrowers. To say nothing of the fact that those sores are filled with an acid that burns through anything in its path. I shouldn't have to worry about getting dissolved alive on top of everything else I do around here!

Nobody likes it when a security breach at a top-secret laboratory leads to the slow and painful death of everyone you know and love, but that's what sick days are for.

I swear, if our manager, Ted, hadn't been found under his desk half-dissolved in a pile of flesh and cartilage, I would have filed a formal complaint. Now I have to wait until corporate sends us a new manager, but knowing this company, that could be weeks. Maybe longer if the government collapses and the country is plunged into anarchy like those terror-struck young men in the National Guard truck were yelling about.

Honestly, the company's time-off policy is at least partially to blame. With the holidays coming up, and only five sick days per year, it's no surprise people are hesitant to take them just because some nightmarish doomsday scenario is rapidly annihilating what remains of Western civilization. So if this whole "brain-virus epidemic" thing has any upside, it will be that this company, and many others across the nation, will take a long, hard look at their sick-leave policies.

Well, that's unlikely, but there's always hope!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Snope this out!


alert! alert! alert! alert! alert! alert!
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/fbi-facebook.asp
It's real, it's real, and did I mention it's real?

Should you feel it's necessary to be intimate with your spouse on the kitchen counter....Maybe you should read this?
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/granite.asp

Sadly, this could be me:http://www.snopes.com/photos/automobiles/lumber.asp
I just get on a whim and want to redo the deck.

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

GLADIATOR! My name is Maximum Decimus Meridius...Meaning: biggest, tenth and middle....Hua?

Gladiator is my favorite movie....So we ripped it apart and left it with only it's underwear covering some unmentionables.....
...that, of course, being cappers- some felt they had to mention....


BlueNothing:
"You don't need to see my identification."

Fiona:
"Ahhh nosebleed, someone pass a tissue."

Indomitus:
"Can we make this quick? I have to get back over to the movie Time Bandits to fight Sean Connery."

WaffleKing:
We can't fight over there. That's where the spotted owls are.


YibbleGuy:
It is a dark time for the Rebellion.
Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces
from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy ....

«:::D:::»«:::i:::»«:::s:::»«:::c:::»«:::l:::»«:::a:::»«:::i:::»«:::m:::»«:::e:::»«:::r:::»

Disclaimer

Okay, there is a reason I don't post everything ....

1) I'm lazy.

2) Generally if I don't post something it's either:

a) Just plain disgusting (I'm not crazy about glurgy, bathroom humor) .
b) Blatantly sac religious (that bothers me, and other Christian folk! ....Hey man, you want me to respect your beliefs- respect mine too) .
c) A joke sounding like a blatant and mean spirited prejudice against the mentally challenged (another thing that bothers me personally) .


MY BLOG HERE; IT'S MY RULES, MY MORALS, GET OVER IT!~

«:::T:::»«:::h:::»«:::a:::»«:::n:::»«:::k:::»«:::s:::»

The onions of August


Top Story
Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet
HAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.
Enlarge Image Local Idiot

Mylenek, a moron, prepares to publicly address the "dumbest shiz [he's] evr seen!!!1!"

"Later this evening, I intend to watch the video in question, click the 'reply' link above the box reserved for user comments, and draft a response, being careful to put as little thought into it as possible, while making sure to use all capital letters and incorrect punctuation," Mylenek said. "Although I do not yet know exactly what my comment will entail, I can say with a great degree of certainty that it will be incredibly stupid."

Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would allege that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature.

"The result will be an astonishing combination of ignorance, offensiveness, and sheer idiocy," Mylenek said.

According to the idiot, he will become incensed at the quality and sentiment of the comments already posted below the video—which will include such replies as "not great, nice try tho," "FIRSTIES!!!" and "wtf?? lol so random." At this point, Mylenek said, he will feel a deep, unwavering desire to offer a dissenting opinion, which he has hinted will include the words "gay" and "reatrd" [sic].

"It is my moral obligation to alert the Internet community to the fact that this video is totally gay, and furthermore, that the individual who made it is a fag," Mylenek said.

Pressed for further details regarding his intended post, Mylenek, who will comment under the Internet pseudonym "xblingdaddy2005x," revealed that there is a strong possibility he will inadvertently post the comment twice.

"After clicking the 'submit' button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments," he said. "It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it."

Mylenek confirmed rumors that he will be momentarily sidetracked by another inane task while drafting his comment. The distraction is scheduled to come at 2:25 a.m. in the form of a "related video" link featuring a man being sodomized by a horse, which Mylenek will re-watch seven times and laugh obnoxiously at with his friend and fellow idiot, Steve Blanchette, 28.

"Once this minor diversion is complete, I will finish posting my comment, then sit there like the worthless human being I am and wait for other commenters to respond," he added. "Because, as I mentioned before, I have nothing better to do with my life."

Mylenek said he fully expects that his comment will spawn a series of replies from other idiots around the world, who will either agree with his stance, disagree with his stance, or call Mylenek himself a "d0uche" and post an irrelevant link to a separate video that they will claim to be "way funnier." According to Mylenek, this is all part of the plan.

"We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment," Mylenek said. "What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?"

According to media critic Judy Turner, this type of behavior is not uncommon among idiots.

"Brandon's comments in particular contain a degree of unoriginality and stupidity that you only see in the most muttonheaded and imbecilic Internet commenters," Turner said. "In fact, I've seen him use at least a dozen variations of the word 'gay.' Suffice it to say, Brandon Mylenek is a truly stupid, stupid idiot."

Mylenek concluded his press conference with a solemn vow to uphold the awful, unintelligible, anger-inducing quality of his past Internet comments.

"I promise everyone that this post will be exactly what you have come to expect from an idiot like myself," he said, "and that I will check my comment regularly so that I can call everyone who says it's stupid a fag."


______________________________
Nation To Try Its Luck Out West
Entire Population Seeking Greener Pastures


August 4, 2008 | Issue 44•32
Out West



THE FRONTIER—After having bravely endured rising fuel costs, unemployment, and a massive drought in consumer confidence, all 300 million Americans announced Monday that they will soon begin the long journey westward, abandoning their stakes in the crumbling housing market to seek the golden future that surely lies past the horizon.

Struggling to eke out a living for the past 20 decades, the U.S. populace has supported itself with odd jobs in the fur trade, tinkering, information technology, and pharmaceuticals industries, but has finally succumbed to the mounting pressures of modern life. The nation plans to strike out on its own come fall, when the weather's cooler, hoping to make its fortune and perhaps find a little patch of soil to call its own in the sprawling wilderness between O'Hare International Airport and the Great Pacific Ocean.
Enlarge Image Goin' West

"There just ain't nothing left to do but pack what we can carry and head out West," said Arizona native Charles Kuhn, 42, who was recently laid off from his position at a fancy advertising agency. "Out past the mighty Mississip' all a man needs is a strong back and a good horse. Heck, won't take but two weeks under them wide-open skies to build a house, plant some squash, and wrangle a little graphic design† work with full benefits, genuine growth potential, and two weeks' paid vacation. Now that thar's the life for me."

"I hear there's a good steady creek and some open pasture just outside San Diego," added Kuhn, charging his cell phone one last time as he traced his finger along a crinkled, hand-drawn map bearing the ol' "I-5 N" trail he will follow to the California seaside town. "My cousin went out there and he's doing real fine. Real fine. Says they got good jobs with annual cost-of-living adjustments just falling out of the hills out there."

Leaving behind the woes of their bustling cities, small mining towns, large auto-manufacturing towns, suburbs of auto-manufacturing towns, and the economically stagnant state of Nebraska, the pioneers will set out across the vast Western expanse with nothing but the promise of opportunity and a few old resumés. Although it remains unclear what they might find in that savage territory, some sources indicate the move may bring a significant boost in self-employment, prevent thousands of bankruptcies, and allow settlers an opportunity to learn agricultural techniques from the Mexican folk who sometimes wander over the border.

Robert Wong, once an associate with Bear Stearns in New York, said the moribund securities industry has left him in such a financial mess that he has no choice but to take his wife and two pretty young daughters out West. The 52-year-old reportedly plans to ride out violent market fluctuations in the foothills of the Ochoco Mountains.

"Don't know what waits for me out there, but when you hear the dull roar of the Rockies, all the bank-foreclosure warnings and high-interest credit-card offers in the world can't keep a man indoors," Wong said. "Yes, sir. I've just got to make my last car payment, cash out what's left of my 401(k), default on [daughter] Emily's student loans, and strip the house of copper wiring, and then it's 'Oregon or the Grave.'"

The federal government has not yet issued any plans for dealing with the mass exodus, which is expected to have wide-scale economic repercussions in the abandoned regions, including a complete collapse of consumer trading and a short burst in hardtack sales. However, the House of Representatives will begin debate on bipartisan measure H.R. 3492, which would declare a state of emergency on the East Coast and provide tax breaks to those who remain behind, as soon as Congress reconvenes next month at a cabin in Rock Springs, WY.

"Everywhere across this land, hard-working men and women have come to see that anyplace is better than here," said Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who is giving up his $169,300-a-year job in search of work in the railroads. "No matter how bad things get or how dark tomorrow may seem, the one thing Americans can always count on is the promise of a better life somewhere else."

At press time, the approximately 2 million square miles of land that make up the American West are experiencing the most severe rash of wildfires and earthquakes in recent history.

_______________________
Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'

Comedienne Kathy Griffin reportedly said she would not appear on Dancing With The Stars. What do you think?
Young Woman

Anne Norton,
Electrician
"How adorable! Her first standard."
Black Man

Michael McAfrey,
Systems Analyst
"Well, in that case, I will also not appear on Dancing With The Stars."
Young Man

Andre Moorcock,
Dog Groomer
"Wait, does she know that you get paid for being on that show?"
________________________________
Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud

I'm going to get right to the point, because hemming and hawing and being polite has gotten me nowhere. The people on television need to stop shouting at the tops of their lungs and start talking at a much lower volume. It's that simple. I've asked them to quiet down over and over for the past 15 years, but they don't listen to me. They probably can't even hear me over all their yelling.

Why do they think they need to talk so loud? I'm sitting right here on the couch three feet away! There's no need to shout. I'm not deaf. Just talk to me in a normal tone of voice like I'm a normal human being. That's the way I talk to people—at a nice, respectful level. Ask anyone if Bob Denino shouts at folks when they're directly in front of his face and they'll tell you that he doesn't do that.

Even as I'm writing this, they're shouting. Yak yak yak. There's just no stopping them. SHUT UP! STOP YELLING! PLEASE STOP ALL YOUR YELLING! They're still going.

My neighbors are always complaining, telling me to keep it down and to knock off the racket. Me? It's the people on TV making all the noise! My neighbors have televisions. They know what the people on there are like. Screaming all day and all night. They just never—hold on one sec…. Pipe down in there! You're going to wake up the whole block! These people, I swear. You can't be rational with them.

I wish there were a way to make them talk a few decibels softer. I've done everything I possibly can. I've shushed them, I've threatened to call the police, I even picked up the remote control one day and threw it at the television screen. They just kept right on yapping.

It's not like I'm some 85-year-old man with big old hearing aids—I hear fine. Sure, I miss a word or two when I'm on the phone trying to order food, but it's because the people on the television are talking so loud that I can't even hear myself speak. Don't they know it's rude to shout while somebody's on the phone? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?! They're not listening. They never listen.

There's no way to escape their constant yelling, either. I got people on TV screaming at me in the kitchen, in the living room, in the bedroom, every room in the house. All talking at once, usually not even about the same thing. They just love to hear the sound of their own voices, and all that noise basically makes this place unlivable. I've lived here since 1993, and I have not had one moment of peace and quiet. I can never get any work done. I get headaches all the time. I'd go down to the basement, but there's nothing to do down there. No TV, no nothing.

What's worse, I'm pretty sure they just keep on yelling even when I'm not here. I can hear them talking from outside my front door when I come home from work, and when I walk in, they're already in the middle of a shouting match. Are they insane? Who the heck are they talking to?

I'm sad to say it, but sometimes I stoop to their level and sit right in front of the television and start shouting for hours and hours right back at them. I'll bash pots and pans like that one woman who screams at me from her kitchen. I'll mock that inquisitive, but very loud Charlie guy by repeating his questions in a mocking tone. And I'll bang on the piano keys in my living room to drown out the bald man with sunglasses who plays his keyboards really loud at 11:30 at night. Eleven-thirty at night, for cripe's sake! Some people are trying to get to sleep!

I'll tell you what, if these people don't quiet down soon, I think I'm going to lose it.





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Hua?




Saturday, August 2, 2008

Even more Snopes

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/rayner.asp
Okay, I'll do it.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/airplane.asp
...I guess I don't care.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/amazingduck.asp
I think there might be state and federal programs set up to help mother's like this in this kind of situation...
http://www.snopes.com/autos/mishaps/examiner.asp
...Um.
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Caption of the moment

By Dirigo:


Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Mexico...

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