School daze

Baldwin Applies for Free College Money for Graduates 
BALDWIN SCHOOLS HOPES TO KEEP ITS NEW "PROMISE"
High school grads at Baldwin Schools may soon be getting extra cash for
college.  The district was recently named a "Promise Zone" by the state,
giving them the opportunity to use public and private funds to pay for
some of their grad's college costs.  Baldwin is only one of ten schools in
the state to have this, and the only school in northern Michigan.  The
district now has to define eligibility criteria for students, and most
importantly, come up with private donations to get the program started.
The superintendent says he has an ambitious goal to start with the class
of 2010.  His desire is to provide $5,000 per student per year.


$5,000.00 should buy your books for two semesters....But don't give up hope...Like me.
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George Bernard Shaw  - "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."

Complete with Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/index

Craigslist Server Contracts HPV SAN FRANCISCO—'We tried to ignore the signs, but every day more and more of those weird wart-looking things appeared on our home page,' said a Craigslist developer.

G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse

HARARE, ZIMBABWE—'All those in favor of sighing loudly and looking around in desperation for any answer, please say yes,' said Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina.

	Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy, a 3-year-old longhair cat, were killed within minutes of beginning their heartwarming journey home, sources reported Monday. 'It looks like right after leaving the campsite they fell off a cliff and died upon impact with the highway below,' park ranger Ken Hinkley said after discovering their barely recognizable bodies, which had been partially eaten by a cougar the pair likely would have outsmarted with adorably clever teamwork had they survived. 'After that, it appears their carcasses were run over by a tractor-trailer, probably operated by a gruff but kindhearted truck driver who no doubt would have given them a lift. Poor little guys. Had to toss 'em in a ditch.' Louie and Nipsy's family reportedly gave up hope immediately, and have already purchased a new kitten and puppy whom they love very much.

Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area into a panic on Monday. What do you think?

Iris Shaked,
Unemployed
"Wasn't this part of the stimulus package for New York therapists?"

Elliott Bassin,
Systems Analyst
"Bad or good, the publicity worked. Next time, I'm flying with Air Force One."

Owen Gruber,
Garment Presser

"Oh, no—the invisible World Trade Center Memorial buildings!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia

By Jim Prahl
April 23, 2009 | Issue 45•17

When you think about the best places in the world to take your family on a relaxing, two-week trip, the first location that comes to mind is Somalia. Naturally. It's got it all. So, in order to beat the summer rush, I booked my family's trip in late March, but then I pick up a newspaper and read about the rampant pirate activity around the Horn of Africa. Well, so much for that.

Looks like any chance of us enjoying some fun in the Somalian sun just went right out the window.

Related Articles

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• We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young 01.04.06

Related Media

• Onion News Network:

    In The Know: Is Our Wealth Hurting Africa's Feelings? 07.26.07

• Onion News Network:

    Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports 02.18.08

Thieves, thieves, pirates and thieves.....

This is what it's suppose to say....
Thieves Target Prescription Shop in Traverse City  Story.....
Click here for the story:Thieves Target Prescription Shop in Traverse City

This is what was in my inbox today....
THIEVES TARGET THE PRESCRIPTION SHIP IN TRAVERSE CITY AGAIN

So in the spirit of all that is piracy.....

THIEVES TARGET THE PRESCRIPTION SHIP IN TRAVERSE CITY AGAIN....ARGGGHHH!!!

Police be askin' for information t' find whoever broke into a Grand Traverse County pharmacy for t' second time in two months. Police say t' thieves smashed a fore
 window o' T' Prescription Shop t' get in. T' same window was broken durin' a February break-in when more than 2,000 pills were taken. This time, police say
Methadone, Adderall, Morphine and Percocet were stolen. A Prescription Shop spokesperson says they are workin' with police t' identify a suspect. No one has
been caught for the February break-in.
Arrgghh!!!!

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http://www.talklikeapirate.com/howto.html
No time to memorize the lingo? Try the new, improved English-to-Pirate Translator!

Everything breathes...

Wings of gossamer, like a wasp covered in liquid dish soap...

Life begs to go on doesn’t it? It doesn’t want to end…..Not even when it’s time to end.

I was in my office tending to my plants.

This is a particular past time of mine these days because I am getting ready to put in my garden as soon as all fear of frost departs.

Anyway,

I was tending to my plants and I saw a wasp in the window. I considered swatting it with a rolled up Martha Stewart magazine and then thought, “Would I want to be swatted with a rolled up Martha Stewart magazine? Uh…..Pass.

Wasps have a tendency to be one of the angrier breed of flying, stinging insects and could, and probably would, come after me if I went after it and missed it or injured it.

Nothing worse than a hurt animal.

So I waited and waited trying to think up something to knock him down so I could deal with him on my level.

Soap.

I remembered something which I could be in errs about, but it seemed that something about soap took the wings off of insects …..I couldn’t remember everything about it, but it was a chance I could take with small chance of repercussion. So I went in the kitchen and got some dish soap and added a bit of water to it to loosen it up a piece and moved my plants and splashed it on the wasp on the window.

The wasp seemed slightly confused by its sudden immersion in liquid soap. It fell down to my level and I took the Martha Stewart magazine and gave it a good smack.

It fell to the bottom of the window sill.

I thought it was dead and was going to lie in my window and pass into the ether world to come back as a poodle with a grudge or something. Or go to that place in heaven where wasps go…Or is that a special place in hell?

I went out and folded some clothes and came back in to check on the little bugger and it had moved to the corner of the window.

He/She (I didn’t look for girl/boy parts…I wouldn’t know how to do that on a wasp anyway…) was flailing on its back trying desperately to get up.

How did it survive being hit with Martha Stewart's Easter issue?

Holy cow!

I figured it was in the throes of death and for a minute I thought about putting it out of it’s misery but I couldn’t do it.

It laid there desperately trying to cling to life.

And I thought, “Wow, everything breathes, everything that has life wants to keep it no matter how small and insignificant it is; it will fight for every piece of its existence on this plane.”

I left again and did something else and came back and it was gone….At least I thought it was gone and then I regretted not taking it out with one of my pencils.

It was probably making a wasp line for me. (It was a wasp; they don’t make a bee line).

I even changed my shirt like that was going to fool it in some sort of manner.

But it had to be somewhere, where could it be?

I came back in after a while and found it clinging desperately to one of my pot holders (an actual holder of pots that holds plants).

I thought for half a second about dispatching it again with the Martha Stewart Living magazine….However, I got a different idea.

I grabbed up the pot holder and took it outside and let it go on the bench to find somewhere to meet its demise outside my view. I was not going to allow it to simply sit there and suffer. If it was dying it could die where it wanted to die…If not it was going to be the cleanest wasp around.

But it struck me as amazing at how hard it was working to survive. As much as we humans fear death and get crazy at the thought of our own passing, I couldn’t imagine that something with a brain the size of a pin head would be able to comprehend the end of existence.

Whether it was instincts or a conscious effort it astounded me that something that small would work so hard to keep on keeping on.

Life wants to continue even when it’s the end….Life wants to go on….

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GAH! and Snopes???

America's Most Dangerous Cities

by Zack O'Malley Greenburg
Friday, April 24, 2009provided by

www.metrotelvc.com

Detroit is currently the most dangerous U.S. city.

In March 2008, Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with eight felonies, including perjury and obstruction of justice. In August, he violated his bail agreement and was thrown in jail. His actions were deplorable for anybody, but Kilpatrick was no Average Joe--he was the mayor of Detroit.

Unfortunately for the Motor City, Kilpatrick, 38, is just one ripple in the area's sea of crime. Detroit is the worst offender on our list of America's most dangerous cities, thanks to a staggering rate of 1,220 violent crimes committed per 100,000 people.

More from Forbes.com: • In Depth: America's Most Dangerous Cities • World's Most Dangerous Countries • The World's Most Dangerous Waters

"Detroit has, historically, been one of the more violent cities in the U.S.," says Megan Wolfram, an analyst at iJet Intelligent Risk Systems, a Maryland-based risk-assessment firm. "They have a number of local crime syndicates there--a number of small gangs who tend to compete over territory."

Detroit was followed closely on the list by the greater Memphis, Tenn., and Miami, Fla., metropolitan areas. Those three were the only large cities in America with more than 950 violent crimes committed per 100,000 people.

Thank you Xigster...
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Jock Strapped
http://www.snopes.com/sports/horse/deadjockey.asp

Noman is taking responsibility for this so blame him.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/politics/mexicoflag.asp


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


H. L. Mencken  - "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

Only in Northern Michigan and an email in box near you...

DEPUTIES ARREST CLARE COUNTY MAN IN WORLD WIDE SCAM
A Clare County man is in jail after a three-week investigation into a
world-wide internet scam.  Police say Mark Hockey used his home near
Harrison to receive stolen goods from around the world and ship them to a
group in Nigeria.


Will Rogers  - "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/nigeria.asp

HOT!!! Onions!

	Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line   CHAPPAQUA, NY—Unveiling a bold scent described by its manufacturer as 'steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather, sandalwood, and wool serge,' Secretary of State Hillary Clinton launched her own line of soaps, eaux de toilette, and body splashes Thursday. The new fragrance, called 'Authorité,' was designed to evoke the olfactory equivalent of sensible shoes clicking purposefully down a marble-tiled hallway. 'Our distinguished parfumeurs—and, more importantly, Madame Secretary—have created exactly the right tone, a scent that brooks no argument,' spokesperson Etienne Falbaum said. 'This is a controlled, competent, and, above all, patient essence that makes men sit up, take notice, and not speak until spoken to.' Advertising inserts scented with Authorité will be featured in upcoming editions of Elle, The Economist, and The New York Review of Books.

	I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles Gen. Edward P. Montgomery

Spam A Global Warming Issue

According to security technology company McAfee, the amount of energy used to produce, send, and filter spam each year creates as much greenhouse gas as 3.1 million cars. What do you think?

Amy Oliver,
Data Base Administrator
"It's a small price to pay. I like that someone, somewhere, is interested in me."

Bob Dolak,
Systems Analyst
"That's terrible. I'm going to unsubscribe from spam immediately."

Travis Laskaris,
Activities Director
"I guess now would be a bad time to admit that I check my e-mail while doing doughnuts in a Hummer."

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Dan Quayle  - "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Only in Northern Michigan and FROM THE DESK OF PETE YATES

After a few beers in Northern Michigan, it is apparent that the lowly mailbox is indeed the very face of evil and must be destroyed.

TROOPERS IN UPPER PENINSULA LOOKING FOR MAILBOX VANDALS
Police are asking for your help finding the vandals who smashed up to 40
mailboxes in the Upper Peninsula. Just before midnight last night,
troopers found the mailboxes smashed, pried off the post and missing in
Mackinac County. The area of damage is from just south of Charles Moran
Road on Mackinac Trail and extends north into Chippewa County. If you saw
any suspicious vehicles or activity in that area last night, police want
you to give them a call.

•·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·•

FROM THE DESK OF PETE YATES!!!!

<insert dramatic three note music here>

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked My interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, Less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it... I touched the prongs to the side of my neck, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF TODD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-•:*'"*:•.-:¦:-


~It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.~

I want to...........................SING!!!!!!!

bAr jOkEs!!!

A rope walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!"
So the rope goes home and complains to one of his friends. The friend says, "I have an idea."
The friend ties up the rope and unravels his ends a bit.
The rope goes back to the bar and the barkeep says, "Hey! I thought I threw you out! Aren't you that rope that was just here?"
And the rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."


A priest, a rabbi and a redneck walk into a bar and
the bartender says, "What is this some kind of joke?"

©º°¯¨¨˜"ª¤(¯`*•.¸¸.•*´¯)¤ª"˜¨¨¯°º©º°°º©º°¯¨¨˜"ª¤(¯`*•.¸¸.•*´¯)¤ª"˜¨¨¯°º©º°°º©º°¯¨¨˜"ª¤(¯`*•.¸¸.•*´¯)¤ª"˜¨¨¯°º©


Thank you cappers.....*wink*

Only in Northern Michigan.....And Kentucky....

Top Stories

So no one can accuse our pets as being a girly dogs....

Phrase "Working Like a Dog" Put to Good Use
Posted: 4/19/2009
The International Weight Pull Associations National Championships brought over 100 dogs and owners to the Centre Ice Arena in Traverse City to competing for the title of national champion.
---------------------CUT ON LINE------------------------
Beer Run!
Things got out of hand when the road drinking went dry....

Thieves Steal Beer From Mecosta County Store
Posted: 4/20/2009
The search is on in Mecosta County for a pair of thieves that broke into a store and grabbed cases of beer.

The 2 men broke into the Pitt Stop Grocery in Barryton around midnight Saturday.

Photos were taken by one of the store's surveillance cameras.

One man is seen walking out with 2 cases of Budweiser.

Police say the 2 men broke in through the front door, grabbed the beer, then left in a vehicle.

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Mecosta County Sheriff's Department.



♫...bother me tomorrow ~today I'll find no sorrows....doot doot doot lookin out my back door....♫
- Creedence Clearwater Revival.

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Woody Allen - "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Not much to snope about....

http://www.snopes.com/college/horrors/scurvy.asp
Avast ye Mateys!

....And remember Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19....

yes it's heck and gone from now, but it's always good to be prepared....

.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.


Jonathan Swift - "May you live every day of your life."

She's blessed...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Where'd that voice come from?

(Yea, but you look at me and get the same stinkin question...Only you also ask "Which rock did she crawl out from under?") .·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.


Charles de Gaulle - "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs."

Simmering Onion

Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide

The press hasn't figured out how best to display the gruesome crime-scene photos from the president's bloody rampage.

WASHINGTON—More than a week after President Barack Obama's cold-blooded killing of a local couple, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they were still trying to find the best angle for covering the gruesome crime.

¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨°º©©º°("\(*-*)/")°¨¨¨°º©©º¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨°º©©º°("\(*-*)/")°¨¨¨°º©©º¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨

Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling

April 14, 2009 | Issue 45•16

GENESEO, NY—Despite repeated attempts to explain his feelings on the matter, 29-year-old local resident Dave Barrister expressed shock Monday after learning that he was evidently not allowed to simply dislike bowling. "Looks like nobody in the history of the planet has ever just hated to bowl," Barrister said following a 20-minute interrogation by friends, who cited his love of both beer and chicken wings in their refusal to allow him to detest the activity. "I just don't like it, okay? I do not at all enjoy the experience of bowling. Why isn't that enough?" Barrister reportedly bowled an 89 later that evening.

(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)(¯`'•.¸¸.•'´¯)

Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56

Marilyn Chambers, the former pornographic film actress who starred in the film Behind The Green Door and was the face of Ivory Snow detergent, died in her Canyon Country, CA home on Sunday. What do you think?

Josephine Weingardt,
Petroleum Tester
"After watching her survive Johnny Keyes I thought that woman would live forever."

Steven McCann,
Systems Analyst
"Thank God—now I can be really sure my wife's not that Marilyn Chambers."

Brendan Sanville,
Booker
"She was in porn?

·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:

Stop Anthropomorphizing Me

By Gerald the Dog
April 7, 2009 | Issue 45•15

I know this is going to come across a bit harsh, but I want to get straight to the point. Speaking on behalf of myself and all other completely nonhuman members of my species, I must insist that the practice of anthropomorphizing us stops right now.

I am not a human. I am a dog. I can't talk. I can't say a full sentence. Not even close. I can't experience complex emotions, I can't laugh, I can't rob a bank, and I have no idea that my name is Gerald. I can't even write, people, so please stop this anthropomorphizing business this instant.

It's not funny.

The amusement you get out of this unoriginal, overused—what shall I call it?—this fetish simply boggles the mind. What is your fascination with having animals speak? I'm a dog, for crying out loud. My brain weighs three-and-a-half ounces. Three-and-a-half ounces. I can barely understand what's going on around me, and what little knowledge I do possess is based primarily on smell. So tell me, why do you keep putting me at poker tables and making me dance and sing the blues? I do not wear hats and I certainly did not receive my doctorate in media criticism from Harvard University. I can assure you, if I were ever given a diploma, I would eat it. So, I beg you, for the last time, stop this right now.

ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤

• Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years 07.16.08
• Gerbil Growing Distant 10.29.07

__________________________________________________________________________

~We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.~

♫ Fly me to the ground ~ PLEASE let me live a~nother day ♫

Passenger lands plane in Fla. after pilot dies

It's got all the ear marks of having been conceived and born in a Seinfeld world....
That being said, our first reaction is to think it's ironically funny.
Are you surprised at anyone's reaction on this plane I mean, if it could go wrong it did.....

Seriously, would you board another plane again.....Ever?



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Henny Youngman  - "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Site Check Snopes

http://www.snopes.com/fraud/contest/oprah.asp
Why would Oprah pick you at random for money?
Use common sense people....

http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/asparagus.asp
....I know it makes you pee but this is different....

SNOPES on fact check dot org
http://www.factcheck.org/askfactcheck/is_snopescom_run_by_very_democratic_proprietors.html

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/giantrabbit.asp
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING!?!

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George Carlin  - "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck...

Only in Northern Michigan

4/7 - Local Accountants Buried In New 2009 Tax Laws
Which is where a lot of accountants want to be buried....When their time comes.....

LUDINGTON SCHOOL CLEANS UP AFTER BREAK-IN-


A Ludington school is now looking at thousands of dollars in repairs from
a spring break break-in. Police say vandals shattered windows, damaged
rooms and even made off with some money. It happened sometime between
Friday night and Saturday afternoon at Lakeview Elementary School. The
thieves threw a rock through a window, scattering glass throughout the
library. Two doors are missing from the boiler room that was badly
damaged. Two windows in the school office were also broken. A small
amount of money was also stolen from drawers in the office. Custodians
spent more than three hours cleaning the building so it would be ready for
the kids to return on Monday.

Of course that really bummed out the kids because the whole idea was to buy some beer and have Monday off. .·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.


George Burns - "I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."

Action Onion

2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money
	WASHINGTON—The first daughter tried to dodge senators' questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what 'personable accountability' means.

_____________________

Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant realized their error Tuesday afternoon, when the weary freelance designer entered the Chinese eatery wearing a single shoe and a clump of dried duck sauce in his three-day-old beard. 'Oh my word,' said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. 'He wouldn't look at me or say anything. He just pointed to menu on the wall and walked away.' According to employees, Rumergant waited for his order by slumping down in the corner and resting his head on a collapsed stack of menus.

______________________

Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do you think?

Helen Steuben,
Willow Worker
"Does this mean the press will be able to see alive soldiers returning to America sometime soon?"

Paul Sabers,
Mechanical Engineer
"Well, I guess this makes pictures of the unemployed slightly less depressing."

Tony Koch,
Systems Analyst
"I'm glad they're doing it, but it's a shame that the question-and-answer part didn't go so hot."

*****************

What!?!

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Fred Allen - "Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."

Church bulletin bloopers!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
---------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
---------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
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Emo Philips  - "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

Snope it out!

http://www.snopes.com/
_____________________________

I haz love for all da animals....
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/jasmine.asp

A young woman with cancer has her dream wedding and dies five days later...
http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/katie.asp

About a Vet...
http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/freeman.asp

I tried for years to get the government to own up to the alien implantation of embryo's in my uterus...They ain't shakin!
So suck it up boy!
Deal with what God gives ya!
http://www.snopes.com/business/taxes/takemykids.asp
________________________________________________

Fred Allen  - "Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."

GOOD MORNING Yahoo! Video - Surgeons save a man who swallowed scissors -- Yahoo! News

============================================================
http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/

Good Morning Yahoo! -- Sponsored by Dunkin Donuts

Your using them as a toothpick?

Surgeons save a man who swallowed scissors
http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/12793558/abc/20090402/av_abc_odd/_goodmorningyahoo_abc090402_gma_scissors

Nice.

============================================================
Yahoo! News
http://news.yahoo.com/

Not only in Northern Michigan but in tween novels everywhere...

The Hardy boys strike again....

TWO MEN FACE UP TO LIFE IN PRISON FOR COUNTERFIETING
Two men could spend life in prison for their involvement in a fake money
scheme worth $10,000.  Deputies are crediting two Roscommon County teens
for blowing the case wide open. The teens tipped off police Sunday when a
man paid for tobacco with a fake $20 bill at a gas station in Roscommon.
Now, Steve Hineman and Shawn Hartman are charged with running a
counterfeit scheme.  Deputies say gas station clerk Stephen Tackett
noticed the fake bill and clerk Nicole St. Denis got a good description of
their pick-up. Investigators say Hartman and Hineman confessed to the
scheme and that they had been passing out the fakes along the I-75
corridor for months.
_____________________________________________________________

Rita Rudner  - "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

Onions and Cylons!

Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale

March 31, 2009 | Issue 45•14

Obama told aides he feels "like a cylon without a Resurrection Ship."

WASHINGTON—According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month's two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

"The president seems to be someplace else lately," said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, 'What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?'"

"I haven't seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland," the official continued. "Or at least that's what he told me. I don't actually watch the show. It's not really my thing."

Enlarge Image

Obama attempts to console himself with leaked production stills from the upcoming spin-off Caprica.

Since the end of the series, Obama has reportedly brushed off key budgetary decisions, ignored his wife and children, and neglected his daily workouts, claiming that he no longer cares if he lets himself go "just like Lee did before the rescue on New Caprica."

In addition, sources confirmed that instead of meeting with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday, the depressed president sat alone in the Oval Office, scouring Internet message boards for posts by other fans about the series conclusion.

Hoping to cheer himself up, Obama also decided to re-watch the extended director's cut of "Unfinished Business," a season three episode he once described as "bringing the Starbuck-Apollo relationship to a head in the best possible way."

Revisiting the series, however, has only made the president more miserable. After a staffer suggested he bring DVDs of the show along on a recent policy trip to Denver, Obama reportedly muttered under his breath, "What's the point? It's over."

"We were going over his schedule when he sighed and asked if I watched Battlestar," said a White House secretary, whom Obama used to playfully call "Billy." "I told him I was planning on it because my sister's a big fan, but he just stared out the window the whole time."

"I also noticed he took down his Battlestar Galactica season 4.5 poster," she added.

Obama watched the finale just as he had every previous episode, alone in the White House screening room with the volume turned all the way up. Sources said he emerged exhilarated and told several aides that the show's writers "wrapped things up the best they could, though the very end was a little much."

The commander in chief also bragged that he "totally called" the fact that "All Along The Watch Tower" would be used as the jump coordinates for the FTL drive.

Despite his initial excitement, by Monday morning the absence of the hour-long Sci-Fi program had begun to affect the president.

"I'm a little concerned," first lady Michelle Obama was overheard saying at a fundraising event Tuesday. "When Firefly was canceled, he walked around like a zombie for a week, and Serenity was the only thing that snapped him out of it. Last night he said he felt like he had just discovered David Axelrod was one of the Final Five, whatever that means."

A devoted fan of the original 1978 Battlestar Galactica, Obama was initially hesitant to watch the new series, saying he was upset to learn that hotshot pilot Starbuck would be played by a woman. However, during a particularly slow week in the U.S. Senate, Obama decided to rent the first season from Netflix.

Aides said Obama "blew through" season one in a weekend, then purchased season 2.0 from a local Best Buy, and, in order to catch up in time for season three, downloaded the majority of season 2.5 from iTunes.

"When we spoke last month, he said season three was his least favorite because some of the episodes with Helo and the Sagittarons—and pretty much anything that involved Cally—were boring and didn't advance the plot," Afghan president Hamid Karzai said. "But I told him that when you watch it all on DVD, and you don't have to wait a whole week for a new show, those peripheral episodes actually add new color to the already established world."

Added Karzai, "Lately, though, it seems like he'd rather talk about the resurgence of Taliban warlords in Kandahar than the show."

During an emergency press conference on Wednesday, Obama addressed his recent detachment, as well as various other matters facing the United States.

"Our nation finds itself in uncharted territory in the deep emptiness of space," Obama announced. "The Old Girl has limited supplies, no allies, and now, no hope. I never said this would be an easy journey. Yet I promise you this: There is a place where there is no war and no economic turmoil. It is where, according to the Sacred Scrolls handed down to us by the Lords of Kobol, the thirteenth tribe traveled over three thousand years ago. That place is called Earth. Not the other Earth. This Earth. It's complicated. Anyway, I plan to take us there."

Added Obama, "So say we all! So say we all! So say we all!"

>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸

• Obama Calls On Nation To Put In One Solid Day Of Work 03.05.09

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	Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There STOCKHOLM—As a world-renowned expert on lady-part maladies, Dr. Victoria Lozoff led a team of hoo-ha doctors to develop new strategies for detecting abnormal cells in...you know, that area. More News »

>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸

Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is selling the house he owns next to the Playboy Mansion for nearly $28 Million. What do you think?

Amy Seguin,
Drill Press Operator
"Good luck keeping a garden, what with all those Playboy rabbits I keep hearing about."

Clint Opell,
Systems Analyst
"That's a bit pricey for me. I'm holding out for the trailer adjacent to Larry Flynt's."

Alex Jarreau,
Enameler
"Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but if I had $28 million to spare, I would spend it on warm clothing."

>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸