Onion X

	Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles PALO ALTO, CA—The report found that at work, special information rectangles aid in completing business-related tasks, while entertainment rectangles, 'larger, louder, and often placed inside the homes" help us enter a relaxing trance-like state after a long day of rectangle-gazing.

	Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one of four diners in the restaurant—to move to a smaller table. 'If nobody's gonna be joining you, hon, we'll just scoot you over to one of those little tables over there,' Perry said as Whamey gathered his water, orange juice, and Diet Coke glasses to move them across the room. 'You're alone, right? Okay, just let me know when you need the check.' Whamey then continued to eat his meal alone.

Letterman Apologizes To Palin

Talk show host David Letterman apologized to Alaska governor Sarah Palin for insinuating her daughter was impregnated at a New York Yankees game. What do you think?

Karen Borden,
Technical Illustrator
"I think Letterman should have waited a couple weeks to be sure she really wasn't impregnated at the game."

Brent Siefert,
Plumber
"How could he make such a callous joke when the governor is only now getting over her unwed teen daughter's breakup after trotting both her and the father of her baby around on the campaign trail for two months as paragons of responsibility and virtue?"

Terry Reinhard,
Systems Analyst
"Wait a minute. You mean there's a Palin daughter out there who's not pregnant? I'll be right back."

This Space Camp Looks A Lot Like Fat Camp

Wow. I can't believe I'm really here. When I told my parents that I wanted to go to space camp, I never thought they'd actually agree. Especially not after they took me to see that doctor and he said that if I didn't lose some weight this summer I might end up getting diabetes. Mom and Dad seemed pretty concerned after that. But, hey, here I am! Ready to learn all there is to know about the stars and the comets and the universe at Planet Thin!

Boy, there sure are a lot of fat kids here at space camp. Wasn't expecting that.

This is going to be the best summer ever. Man, I can't wait until they let us go inside a real NASA shuttle, with all those switches for the rocket boosters and the thrusters. It's going to be so cool. Look over there! I bet that treadmill is the same kind of treadmill the real astronauts use. And that, right there, is like, maybe, the same kind of tire course that real astronauts have to run through.

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Fran Lebowitz  - "Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."