Beer battered Onion

Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December

COLUMBUS, OH—A bravely worded e-mail written by graphic designer Brent Quigley decrying his advertising firm's 'complete lack of managerial competence' and its 'utter failure to treat employees with respect' has remained inside the drafts folder since it was first composed on Dec. 4, 2007

Rubber Band Needed http://www.theonion.com/content/news/rubber_band_needed

April 23, 2008 | Issue 44•17

RALEIGH, NC—At approximately 2:30 p.m. EDT Wednesday in the offices of Emery & Lane Advertising at 129 Bronson Avenue, Ron Meyer, 34, announced that he was in need of a rubber band.

Meyer, a market researcher at the ad agency, reportedly informed his colleagues that he needed to keep a 22-inch-by-28-inch piece of white poster board in a rolled-up position, and stated that a rubber band would be the best clasping tool for the job.
Enlarge Image Rubber Band Needed

Meyer struggles to keep the large document rolled up by hand.

"I'd use tape, but sometimes when you take it off it scuffs up the paper," Meyer said.

He followed his brief announcement with a 10-minute search for a single loop of sulfur-vulcanized rubber. Office sources confirmed that Meyer initiated the search by looking through his middle desk drawer and—after failing there—proceeded to question his coworkers as to whether or not they possessed, or had recently seen, a rubber band.

_______________________________
Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market

With the country in the grips of a deep recession, college students will be graduating in a bad job market. What do you think?
Young Woman

Dana Roren,
Sandwich Board Person
"Yeah? Well, just tell them to stay away from my job. Hey, do you like men's suits? Two-for-one, today only!"
Black Man

Frank Bruckner,
Bathtub Fabricator
"My son should be okay, as 91% of DeVry alums find positions in their chosen career fields within six months of graduating."
Young Man

Daniel Edelston,
Systems Analyst
"Just goes to show you that a good education is no substitute for a well connected father."

______________________________
No Machine Can Do My Job As Resentfully As I Can

By Lee Canale
December 7, 2005 | Issue 41•49


In today's increasingly mechanized world, where the bottom line so often takes precedence over human considerations, the working man never knows how long it will be before he is replaced by a machine. It's no secret that some in management at Gillian's Fish Products, where I work, feel that automation would improve productivity and quality control. But what they don't understand is that they will lose something far more valuable if employees are let go: the resentful human touch.

No mere machine can replace the embittered alienation of the flesh-and-blood worker. Sure, machines may be able to gut whitefish in the blink of an eye. But would they be able, as I am, to despise and bemoan their miserable lot? To seethe with the unbearable knowledge that this will be their sole livelihood until the day they die? To identify with the glassy, sightless eye of every fish as their sharp blades spill the innards out?

Whether it's scaling each cod and struggling to suppress the repulsion and loathing within, or de-boning each haddock while fighting the impulse to drop the knife and walk out of the factory as far as your legs can take you, such sentiments could never be reproduced in mechanical form. Those special qualities can only come from one source: exhausted men and women forced to feed and clothe their children on a pauper's wages.

Replacing us with machines will increase profits, but can a dollar value be placed on the labors of someone who drinks before his morning shift just to get through the day? And when the machines are sitting in six-inch-deep gore at day's end, will they go home and take out their frustrations on family members and loved ones? I think not.

A machine can only contain wires, diodes, and gears, not the living, breathing sum of life's screw-ups, heartbreaks, and regrets.

.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.

Princess Margaret  - "I have as much privacy as a goldfish in a bowl."