Onions 4EVER

FDA Approves Salmonella
	WASHINGTON—Calling it 'perfectly safe for the most part,' and 'not nearly as destructive or fatal as you'd think,' the Food and Drug Administration approved the enterobacteria salmonella for human consumption this week.

Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation's accredited law schools. 'This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year,' said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). 'We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their post collegiate aimlessness.' Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt.

Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy

President Obama has lifted restrictions that prevented federal funding of labs using embryonic stem cells for research. What do you think?

Mindy Kane,
Systems Analyst
"I expected a higher moral standard from Obama, but it looks like he's just another pawn of the severed-spinal-cord lobby."

Kyle McConnell,
Veterinary Assistant
"I believe that embryos are humans, but fortunately I can't bring myself to care about people I don't know."

Miles Proctor,
Consultant
"Yeah, I get it. Obama's the 'cool' president."

Rise In Rent Forces Local Taco Bell To Take On Roommate

ROCKFORD, ILL—Head cashier Dana Canty, 19, said she was forced to quit last week after new roommate Brian Studer repeatedly entered her work area wearing nothing but a towel.

	I Know A Guy Who Knows A Guy Who Can Really Screw Us Over Reggie Varela

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We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. - Ambrose Bierce