Never before seen since C.T. went down...

I was cleaning out the bowels of my vast wasteland that I call storage...And look what I found behind the old high school pictures and under some underwear that dropped off the ceiling...

Captions that no one ever knew existed....

Because I never put them on the website...I had stored them and never got to use them...
Kind of like that wall paper you stored but never did use...
Yeah, give you an idea how old...This has Star Trek grabs....So before those geniuses at Caption This on Sci-Fi decided to tear down the site.

Enapov:
COME BACK HERE AND LET ME LOVE YOU! *NO! no! PLEASE NO MORE!* Come on let me call you SWEETHEART I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!* URRRgghh!

teambanzai:
Look what I found, can I keep her?

Crystal_Star:
Santa?

Crystal_Star:
Bones... you know I've always had these... special feelings for you....

Enapov:
Jerry it's an act of love, don't panic!

HoneyT:
Ooooh...is "El Capitan" gonna cry?

ArchHallJr:
"I just douched and I feel great!"

It was a dark and stormy Roger Corman movie...

Who are these cappers and where can I buy them?

Oobi

Many of you have asked me what "Oobi" is?
Now you know.

My son loves Oobi...It's frightening.

More stuff from days of Yore...And some new stuff from days of the new....*Wait, wasn't that a band?*

AlexGariepy:
And immediately all the role-playing characters rush out-
"LEEROYYYYYY JENNNNNKINS!"

Diva:
"Assuming you can actually hit anything with that crappy aim of yours..."

AlexGariepy:
Whatever you say, Iron Man clone.

Enapov:

Sacrificial Oobi.

It could be The Onion...Or perhaps just a bad case of cramps...

Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

May 28, 2008 | Issue 44•22

Subtle muscular adjustments can show, from left, wistfulness, determination, and unbridled hopefulness.

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CHICAGO—As the 2008 presidential election draws closer, Democrat Barack Obama has reportedly been working tirelessly with his top political strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which many believe is vital to the success of the Illinois senator's campaign.

When performed correctly, the pose involves Obama standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 500 and 600 yards away. Advisers say this creates the illusion that Obama is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.

Interactive Graphic

The Science of Inspirational Poses

Obama's advisers have created a computer model to simulate the optimal looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"The senator spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off into the distance," said chief political strategist David Axelrod, who regularly analyzes video of the pose with Obama, pinpoints areas that need improvement, and makes necessary tweaks.

"It is critical to get every detail right," Axelrod continued. "If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by something in the back of the auditorium. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the environment for future generations."

The pose also requires Obama to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith in the nation's children.

He must then clench his jaw with sufficient force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, Axelrod said, his supraorbital forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain.

"Every millimeter of that head vein costs him 150,000 votes," Axelrod said.

To complete the pose, Obama must then open his eyes at an aperture of 1.43 centimeters, tilt his chin slightly upward, and rotate his head 37 degrees to the left. His advisers stressed that he must always look to the left.

"When you look to the future, you look to the left," Axelrod said. "Looking to the right is an I-am-sorry-for-the-mistakes-I've-made-in-the-past-but-promise-to-work-my-hardest-for- this-great-nation-from-now-on pose. It's too early for that."

The biggest obstacle Obama has had to overcome in recent weeks is his proclivity to squint while looking toward the future, which aides say alienates voters.

"We've worked on the squinting," said Obama adviser Sam Hosking, who claimed it was a "death knell" for a candidate to appear to be struggling to see the nation's future. "It took a lot of work, but we were able to turn the squint into a solemn blink."

"The blink humanizes him," Hosking added. "But you have to be careful. Two blinks and people will start to question if he's a man of his word."

Obama has also worked on increasing the speed with which he can strike the pose. Advisers say that it is critical for him to be able to quickly and seamlessly transition into the looking-off-into-the-future pose at any moment, especially during applause breaks in his speeches, while being photographed from low angles, and whenever there is a large American flag waving gently behind him.

Obama's advisers have recently given him clearance to nod resolutely upon completing the looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"A nod is acceptable," Hosking said. "The American people respond well to nods."

Although Obama's pose has been modified and fine-tuned over the course of the campaign, some pundits claim that Obama's original looking-off-into-the-future pose was the strongest and most believable.

"I fell in love with the chin-three-inches-from-the-neck Barack Obama," said longtime Obama supporter and MoveOn.org employee Peter Koechley. "I just don't know if a chin-four-inches-from-the-neck or, even worse, a chin-two-inches-from-the-neck Obama is the same Obama that first inspired me."

As soon as Obama masters his looking-off-into-the-future pose, aides say he will begin honing his looking-straight-down-and-gripping-the-lectern-while-taking-a-deep-breath-to- communicate-both-his-rise-from-humble-roots-and-his-dedication-to-upholding- the-honor-and-responsibility-of-the-presidency-while-still-fully-understanding- the-historical-significance-of-the-moment pose.

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We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up

By Fritz Becker
May 28, 2008 | Issue 44•22

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I like fun. This family is all about fun. It's the linchpin of our togetherness. In a few weeks, the carnival is coming to town, and you know what that means. It means the Becker family will be going to Black Bart's Olde-Tyme Western Photo Booth to be photographed in period-appropriate garb under an authentic, brownish tint. But before we are transported to the time of Wild Bill Hickok, let me make one thing very clear: If you so much as think about ruining this special moment for your mother and sisters and me, I will ground you so fast it'll make your head spin.

Ever since I saw that photo booth at the Sauk County Fair last year, I knew what we had to do. We were going to march in there, don hats and costumes that have been worn by hundreds of other people, and make the Wild West come to life. It's been a long year. We've certainly had some ups and downs, but together, we've persevered. But I will not allow you and your giggling and carrying on to rob this family of the opportunity to make a photographic memory that will last a lifetime.

Let's make absolutely sure we're all entering into this with the same goals and expectations. I don't want to get a print back and see any eye-rolling, rabbit ears, or funny faces. This monochromatic snapshot will connote a solemn nod to our country's past, and our old-timey clothing and accessories will display our commitment to one another during hard times, cholera, and difficult frontier living. And I sure as heck had better see as much reflected in your behavior on Saturday.

So, before we visit that photo stand at the carnival, I want each and every one of you to look in the mirror and envision yourself as you would have been in the late 19th century. This is not a time for games or careless mistakes. I don't want to see any fancy wristwatches or sunglasses that would give us away to a visitor from 1840. In order to make this trompe l'oeil work, we have to be fully devoted to accuracy.

That is why I have drafted a seating arrangement for everyone to follow. I expect you all to have your places memorized so we won't have to waste any time when the moment arrives.

And you, Joshua Michael Becker, will behave like a perfect gentleman while you're dressed like a mustachioed saloon-keeper. Am I understood? You will honor your family holding a pose where you're looking at your younger sister—who will be dressed as a dancing girl whether she likes it or not—in a respectful, yet slightly randy fashion. I want to make sure that people who see the picture will chuckle in recognition of our devotion to realism in anachronistic photography, but feel no urge to call social services. Yes, it will be funny, but it's no joke.

Any sign of shenanigans and you'll be wearing the prospector's outfit and leaning on the piano. Just try me, buster. Your mother will be the bar wench, Amanda will be the dancing girl, and Gabby will be the orphan from the covered-wagon train who survived the Comanche attack. She's always been the actor of the family.

I'll be the only cowboy. No arguing.

Too much time and energy has been put into this moment for you to shoot it all to hell. I've been growing these sideburns for five months, and they itch like a bastard. But that's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to endure to make this work, so the least you can do is part your hair down the middle and use both hands to clasp your lapels. And don't you dare go running off with your friends as soon as the shutter clicks. We will stay in that booth until we get it right. Remember how well our choreographed pose worked on that Splash Mountain picture? You wanted to stop after the second try, but we took that ride eight times before we got it right, and the proof is framed on top of our piano. Actually, the seventh time was the keeper of the bunch, but it's always good to have a safety.

That's what happens when you work hard at developing healthy family unity. This is not going to be a replay of the Christmas card. This is not going to be a replay of the fake Sports Illustrated cover. And I'm not even going to discuss the put-your-head-in-the-strongman-family cutout picture fiasco of 2004.

This Wild West portrait is going to be good. This is going to be fun. And this is going to be a novelty photograph we can all cherish for the rest of our lives.

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Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships

May 26, 2008 | Issue 44•22

Modern women are finally seeing the opportunity to toil for years on meaningless busywork.

Related Articles

• Law Firm To Purchase One Of Those Big Leather Chairs November 17, 2007
• NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June April 25, 2008

Related Media

• Onion News Network:

  Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas July 2, 2007

• Onion News Network:

  Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently February 11, 2008

• Onion Radio News:

  Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does September 15, 2007

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report published Monday in The Journal Of Gender Studies, many American women are bucking centuries of traditional gender roles by placing stunted, emotionally unfulfilling relationships on hold in order to pursue mind-numbing careers devoid of any upward mobility.

The study, which surveyed a cross-section of 477 female recent college graduates, found that young women were 23 percent more likely than any previous generation to seek dissatisfaction in the professional world rather than in empty romantic partnerships. Dr. Gillian Detweiller, a professor of women's studies at the University of Maryland and coauthor of the report, said that the data suggests a cultural sea change in how women choose to experience lifelong disappointment.

"Avoiding dying alone at all costs is no longer the primary goal for many of today's women," Detweiller said. "Every year, millions of educated females discover that they can be just as underappreciated and ignored in the workplace as they can while doting on loutish and inattentive boyfriends."

In addition to an overall increase in those settling for absolutely futureless secretarial or librarian positions, the study showed that more women are now choosing dead-end occupations conventionally dominated by men, such as accounting and data entry.

"Technical and repair professions with zero prospects for advancement are no longer viewed solely as the realm of males," Detweiller said. "Women have proved that they are just as adept as men at frittering their lives away in soul-crushing vocations."

While the number of women entering moribund, male-dominated careers continues to approach parity, the longtime wage gap between men and women has been slower to catch up.

"Women still average a 7 percent more abysmal salary than the already pathetic income of their male counterparts," Detweiller said.

According to the report, increased college enrollment over the past 20 years has led to the recent surge in women choosing to abandon their aspirations outside the home, as many more females are afforded the opportunity to enter the monotonous suffocation of professional life.

Lillian Taylor, a recent graduate of SUNY- Purchase in New York, said that without her undergraduate business administration degree, she would never have been able to entrap herself in a go-nowhere human resources position instead of a love-bereft relationship.

"So many of my friends ended up centering their lives around uncaring deadbeats," Taylor said. "I'm not saying that I won't date a series of emotionally distant men in the future, but for right now, I prefer to focus on carving out a solid career rut for myself."

"No one is going to hold me back except for me," Taylor added.

Though many women have echoed Taylor's sentiments, others feel that modern women need not be forced to choose. A growing number of pitiful-career-oriented females are finding ways to juggle the minimal demands of a low-profile job with the embittering drain of a futile relationship.

"There is nothing that says women can't experience the manifold of crippling defeats life has to offer," said Elizabeth Mooney, a 46-year-old career counselor. "A woman shouldn't feel as though she has to forfeit her chances of raising three disappointing children with a man she doesn't love simply because she chose to squander the best years of her life working as a career counselor."

Though a greater number of women have decided to waste their fleeting youth toiling away in unrewarding jobs, other statistics have shown that a growing faction are embracing the more traditional alternative of slipping quietly into a painless death with a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of Gordon's gin.

*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*¨¨¨

Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that have been linked to auto accidents. What do you think?

Layla Smerker,
Auto Body Worker
"Look, before people get upset with the FDA, they should know Pfizer meticulously test-marketed this drug for years, and turns out there's a large segment of the public who will risk insanity and death to stop smoking."

Rich Klenk,
Hair Stylist
"This might explain why the pilot on my last flight constantly came on the PA to point out smokestacks below the plane."

Matty Cimberg,
Systems Analyst
"This could make a good anti-smoking campaign: 'If you smoke, no matter what you do, you will die a horrible death.'"

*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*¨¨¨

~Shut up! No one likes you anyway!~

Ah memories! Captions from the old blog

Click on the image if you can’t read it and want to see it larger…Don’t make me come to your house and do it for you!

God's Pottery vs. Lutefisk

Actually these two guys are Hindu...


I'm kidding.
They really epitomize every "over the top" and "unbelievably cheerful" revival type, Baptist, Christian-rock, singers.

And they are genuinely funny....
I mean you can profess God's word and be yourself.

Like me.

I mean I am blatantly Lutheran...
Jell-O is a sacramental food and should be served with every meal at a family gathering or religious celebration...This is our thought...
We are, what I can only describe as (to non-Lutheran's who don't get the whole, "we believe only what the bible teaches is the truth”) Catholic's without all the messiness, seemingly strange rituals, and fear.
In other words: All of The Savior-none of the guilt.

Although, I wouldn't touch Lutefisk with a big pole.
Think about it a bit people....This is literally, Lye Fish.
Yeah.
Not eating the Jell-O, fish or pickled eggs...No matter how much my mother begs me.
And no mom, I don't buy that it's packed with vitamins and minerals.

For more Lutheran memories: Search Davey and Goliath... Which is the Lutheran Church in America's contribution.

For Lutheran humor go here, Old Lutheran....

..And For serious Lutheran research about my synod go here, to the WELS.

>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸
But enough about me...I want to know about you....you and you over there....Yes you....Tell me about yourself....Entertain me....I'm bored....

It takes all kinds to make a goofy world...

http://www.myspace.com/aliencomedian



I don't know what the heck they were thinking last night on Last Comic Standing...I thought he was hilarious. Just to look at him.
I mean, of course, he's not everyone's cup of tea, but I thought he was pretty cool.

And layers of The Onion

________________________>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸>><((((º> .·´¯`·.¸________________________

Must…Stay…Awake…

By Bob Schloman
May 21, 2008 | Issue 44•21

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It's no secret our economy has reached the point that my eyelids…are drooping. Face…falling toward keyboard. Energy level…sinking fast, but cannot stop now! Must…keep…typing op-ed piece. Deadline…looming! Article due! Cannot allow…self to sleep…precious, precious sleep… until finished….

Must…sustain...interest of reader. Must make…trenchant point…about sociopolitical and/or cultural topic. But what? What? Can't…focus thoughts. Unable to…to formulate thesis statement. But must! Must….

Ahh. Face on keyboard…nice. Little buttons…feel soothing against skin…. Wait! No! Cannot give up. Op-ed piece must be turned in!

Must grab attention… with deftly worded turn of phrase…Just need…opening sentence…that draws… reader in. Remember…journalism training: Use…active verbs! Make point quickly…then back up…with factual evidence and…thoroughgoing analysis that… concisely…and convincingly…illustrates….

Just a quick rest. Close eyes and pause briefly before continuing. Be in better shape to write op/ed if I rest eyes for just a second first… finish… in morning….

NO! What am I doing? Cannot…give in…to exhaustion! Must…keep typing…no matter what! Have to find strength… to move pinky finger…to reach "Return" button for next….paragraph break—

Did it!

Now…only a few hundred words…to go…Losing interest. Can almost feel…readers' attention…dwindling. Must…engage them… with lively, interesting anecdotal and factual evidence…proving validity of…editorial stance….

I…I….

Okay! Okay, I'm awake I'm awake I'm awake! Roll head around on neck. There we go. Smack self in face with palm of hand. That's it. Move around a bit, bounce up and down in chair. Bounce, bounce, bounce; bouncing up and down— Yeah! All right, here we go! Woo! Let's do this! Four hundred words, right now—fire them off! Four hundred words! Here they come like a Gatling gun:

In this time of national uncertainty, we would do well to remember the. The. The…As the economy continues its relentless slide into…er. The…the thing. The president. Umm...Iraq. The Federal Reserve… now more than ever…must look to the arena of….

…that is…the arena of….

Sleep. Sleep…blessed gift of the waters of the mythical river Lethe. Washing over me like an unstoppable tide of blissful oblivion. Sucking me under, into the realm of the unconscious, to dream of moonless, perfect darkness… snuggly warm blankets tucked under chin…soft, yielding pillows that know no newspaper, no assignments, no deadlines… nothing but…pure…unadulterated…quiet… …..

…drool on cheek…causing uncomfortable tickling sensation....huh? What? SNORT—

MMMBLEAARGH! Ack! Oh, no, NONONONONO! Doing it again! Mustn't let myself.

Can't keep…going. Fading—fading fast. Must…conserve…energy…by not typing out…inner monologue! Ellipses…repetitive and boring…triple-click sound of hitting period key…three times in row… hypnotic… Lulling me…into unconsciousness…like sweet lullaby…can't…stop it…slumber…sweet, sweet slumber…wrapping me in folds of inky black…typing abiilitiesd…starwrtinjkgt to faade…

This…op-ed…ridiculous…anyway. Must…stay…awake…. Have to…finish column! Job…depends on it

…boss….

…will fire….

… .

--
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____________________
~Okay, I love you, bye bye!~

KISS the panda's.....

Only anime can make an atomic blast beautiful....

As stated before...If you can't read it (don't feel bad neither can I ) click on it and it will make it larger for you....

Enapov:
...Well, you are an orphan, left at an institution for the criminally insane, abandoned in a basket, with a note that said, "Please take him or we'll smother him with a pillow...."

Enapov:
Yeah, I pretty much live in a fantasy world too...It helps to smack the utter boredom and mundanity that is my life.
Indomitus:
Dude... You're deep, man.
*takes another hit*

TheDiva:
"Because we're jerks!"

I love commercials: They're such a crazy mess!!!

Discovery Channel: I love the whole world...

Reluctantly Help your friend move

Skittles Piñata Man Commercial

Honda "Pinch"

Honda Element Gil "The Crab" 2006

Honda Element Kangaroo Commercial

Onion Soup

Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

May 14, 2008 | Issue 44•20

The Washington headquarters of the 75-year-old agency musters all its strength to barely hang in there.

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Institute for Somehow Managing to Hold It All Together warned that, despite their best efforts, everything appears to be falling completely apart and "getting way out of hand," according to a strongly worded report characterized by panic, frustration, and numerous typographical errors that was released to the American public Monday.

"The country today faces a number of pressing issues, including potential economic collapse, the continued threat of global warming, and the decaying national infrastructure," ISMHIAT chairman Kenneth Branowicz said during a press conference to announce the study's findings. "And we just can't keep it together anymore."

"Furthermore, we just found out that my hot water is being turned off," Branowicz added.

Enlarge Image

ISMHIAT, Quarterly Status Summaries

The report outlines a number of disturbing trends, such as a steadily weakening dollar, skyrocketing national debt, the car still being in the shop after three whole weeks, a polarized electorate that remains divided across ideological lines, and the fact that the wife is staying at her sister's and for all they know may not ever be coming back.

"In summary, we have no choice but to accept that managing these complex and varied crises may be untenable at this time," the report concludes. "We're in way over our heads here, people. Oh God. God. What are we going to do?"

The institute, a nonpartisan Washington think tank formed in 1933 by President Franklin D. Roosevelt as part of his Depression-era For God's Sake, Somebody Do Something Initiative, has issued similarly dramatic warnings in the past. In 1953, ISMHIAT released the now-historic findings on how they had talked and talked until they were blue in the face but they'd had it with these teenagers today. And historians still cite its famous 1968 report, a rambling, semi-coherent study titled "The Hell If We Know," recommending the immediate nationwide throwing up of hands.

This latest warning, however, could be the most alarming and desperate to date.

"Among the new challenges America faces is a deteriorating public education system, a vast healthcare crisis, new and frightening bioethics quandaries related to the privatization of human genetics, and, of course, the whole fossil fuels thing," the 5,000-page study, which was due in November 2007, notes. "While much has been done to alleviate immediate effects, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee all over my pants—wait, don't type that— and we're out of paper towels AGAIN—Gwen, don't put any of that last part in the report—why are you still typing?"

Some have criticized the report as being alarmist and exaggerated, urging that the nation should just cool out for a minute until the situation can resolve itself.

"While they have certainly generated plenty of attention, these findings represent an unnecessary overreaction, and should be met with restraint and calm," said James H. Walloch of the California Center for Not Worrying About Stuff So Much. "It is my opinion, as an expert in this field, that it's probably not that big a deal."

Walloch's agency is not the only one coming down hard on ISMHIAT. Others have accused the institute of shortsightedness and even gross negligence for failing to keep on top of such issues.

"The current state of world affairs is completely unacceptable," said Dr. Hyram Klemper, codirector of the Sitting Around and Expecting Others to Take Care of Everything Foundation, which has historically had a contentious relationship with ISMHIAT. "We rely on the institute to keep things together, yet, evidently, this bloated bureaucracy is incapable of fulfilling its mandate from the American people. Now I've had to cancel my Hawaiian golf vacation to return to Washington and address this issue."

Dr. Thomas Dyers, of the National Blame Allocation Council, echoed Klemper's statements, stating that if the ISMHIAT cannot handle its responsibilities, its duties should be turned over to another organization, such as the Federal Fall Guy Bureau, under the supervision of Ed Haversham, the national Scapegoat Czar.

___________________________________

Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal

May 12, 2008 | Issue 44•20

Ray Swartz, a prominent slicked-back-hair man.

LOS ANGELES—Thousands of members of the slicked-back-hair community gathered in Hollywood Monday to protest the film industry's longtime trend of depicting men with slicked-back hair as untrustworthy, unlikeable antagonists.

"There have been 4,192 films in the past 10 years in which male characters with sleek or slicked-back hairstyles have been portrayed in a negative light," said Ray Swartz, chairman of the National Organization of Men with Slicked-Back Hair. "Even though men with this hairstyle comprise just 3 percent of the U.S. populace, they make up nearly 80 percent of all film and TV villains, bad guys, and just plain assholes. As a result, thousands of men who enjoy wetting their hair and then combing it straight back face a silent but pervasive form of discrimination every single day."

"I'm just a man with slicked-back hair," Swartz added. "Does that make me a sleazeball?"

According to statistics released by the organization, five out of every six characters with slicked-back hair are cast as the primary antagonist. Of this group, 29 percent are depicted as greedy and manipulative Wall Street sharks, 22 percent as cold, emotionless murderers, 19 percent as evil coaches or mentors, 12 percent as corrupt mafiosi, 8 percent as undead creatures who feast on human blood, and the remaining 10 percent fall into the general category of jerks/pricks/John Travolta.

More alarming, Swartz said, is that certain subsets of slicked-back-hair Americans endure even worse prejudices. He cited men with slicked-back hair who also talk with cigarettes dangling out of their mouths, wear blue button-down shirts with white collars, or place toothpicks behind their right ears as the most victimized.

"Just because I have heavily gelled, jet-black, slicked-back hair does not mean I can't lead a normal, productive life," Kettering, OH native Martin Sutulovich said. "I'm not consumed by an insatiable thirst for power, I know nothing about the high-pressure world of real-estate speculation, and I have a wife and kids whom I love very much. The last thing I want to do is murder them, cut them up into tiny pieces, bag them up, and put them out with the trash, but when strangers look at me, that's all they think."

A recent study conducted by Swartz's group indicates that Americans who slick back their hair usually experience typical development, have life spans equal to those without slicked-back hair, and are no more likely to stoically torture people with medical instruments than the average dry-haired citizen.

"You always see crooked lawyers and politicians with slicked-back hair in the movies, but when was the last time you saw a computer programmer with slicked-back hair, a farmer who built a magical baseball field in a cornfield with slicked-back hair, or a man who defused a bomb at the last possible second to save thousands of innocent lives with slicked-back hair?" Swartz said. "Never."

"The closest thing we've ever gotten to a hero is Steven Seagal or that Spanish neighbor guy on Sanford And Son," he added. "And Seagal's hair is pulled back into a ponytail, so he doesn't even really count."

Swartz also pointed out that even females who appear in films with slicked-back hair often end up transforming into aliens who have sex with people and then kill them.

"I have naturally oily hair. If I leave it dry, it ends up messy by the end of the day, so I slick it back," Doug Roessner of Brockton, MA said. "I sell insurance for a living, so how am I supposed to get my clients to trust me when they all think I'm some money-hungry scumbag? And every time I tell my bosses that I'll 'take care of' a problem, they immediately assume I mean murdering someone. It's pathetic."

"My son hasn't been the same around me since he watched D2: The Mighty Ducks last month," said slicked-back-hair man Mick Romanini, referencing the film in which coach Gordon Bombay slicks back his hair when consumed by fame, then wears it dry again upon realizing the error of his ways. "Is this what we want to teach our children about slicked-back hair?"

Added Romanini, "He should be able to do whatever he wants with his hair when he gets older and not worry that people are going to assume he's the kind of guy who would plot his best friend's death and then seduce the widow to get his hands on the insurance money."

In interviews, studio executives have countered the protests by citing a number of realistic and sympathetic characters with slicked-back hair, including James Bond, Superman, and Data from Star Trek.

But Swartz rejects such claims. After closer examination, he said, Bond's hair is slicked "more to the side than back," Data is not a human being, and Superman has a distinct curl of hair that falls on his forehead, which his group considers a different hairstyle altogether.

Hollywood is facing similar protests from groups such as the National Association of Maniacal Laughers, the American Mustache-Twirlers Coalition, and the Alliance of Gentlemen with Scars and Eye Patches.

__________________________

"Law & Order" Actor Arrested

Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport. What do you think?

Elizabeth Carter,
Systems Analyst
"Can't say I blame him. That Brookstone in Terminal One can get pretty dicey."

Lyle Greystoke,
Parachuting Instructor
"There's always one loose cannon in every fictitious television precinct."

Doug Napier,
Molecular Geneticist
"What's the big deal? Maybe he was just planning to shoot people on the plane."

_____________________________________________________________

.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.

SansSerif, Times New Roman, Jokerman, Georgia, Lucinda Grande...All the great ones...

SansSerif:
Uncle Todd was always saying, "If I'm going to be eaten by zombies, I'm going down with a smile."

Tommys_Dad:
"Buffoon's ex-wife's heart? Where?"

Tommys_Dad:
"You will be assimilated, resistance is futile."

Tommys_Dad:
Mom told you and told you your face'd get stuck like that, but would you listen? Noooo.

Tommys_Dad:
"Aha!" *Gets three ideas*

Enapov:
Oh look, my dash board...

Enapov:
o/` I love the whole world it's such a crazy place....o/` "Knock it off Steve."

Enapov:
Lemonade stand not doing to well today?

Enapov:
He looks like a cocker spaniel that's just had a Colonoscopy....

Enapov:
Scotty: " If it's not a meteor, it's a gang of angry peasants trying to burn the captain for violating their livestock...."
Spock: "....We should have let them burn him..."
Scotty: " I agree but hindsights twenty-twenty...."

Enapov:
...We will be for shiz up the spout!

TheDiva:
So what, all delays in space are automatically more than 24 hours?

Enapov:
"Spock, I'm going to pick up some Argyle socks...Do you want some?"
"It's Argylus...Not Argyle..."
"Oh.............So socks?"
"No."
<Spock leans over to the tech and whispers> "Any chance you could beam Kirk into some kind of molten pit?"

Enapov
Throws it over his head and walks out.

WEIRD_1
Here I am at the Nude beach, Trust me, this is a nude as you want me to be...

*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*_________________________________________*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*
Please click on pictures to see them if you can't read them or know what the hell is going on here...IT'S BLOODY CHAOS!!!! SOMEONE GET ME SOME XANAX!!!!
*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*_________________________________________*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*

Enapov:
As seen through urine.

Enapov:
....A future where you don't look like a middle-aged, overweight, store-clerk in a Halloween costume.

AlexGariepy;
"Also get fish. Hungry. Need food. Prison food taste like paste. Probably was."

AlexGariepy:
"He's crying like a little baby. It's driving me nuts."

Great Ooggly Googly!!!

Okay, so Google is having an art contest for kids K-12. Being a former art teacher I think that's friggin brillant, and although some of these are obviously little kids drawings...Some are actually really cool! Check it out here.

Omega Man from Glitters Cap Board and various sundries from Inventing Situations!

If you can't read them then go ahead and click on them to get a larger view.

SweetHeart666:
Cant sleep...Chuck Heston will eat me...Cant sleep...Chuck Heston will eat me...Cant sleep...
Enapov:
Now you know my horror...

~This should teach me not to blog at 2 AM~

Random silly crap...Oh yeah and um...Gorzo....

From The Onion

You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

By Gorzo The Mighty
Emperor Of The Universe

July 30, 2003 | Issue 39•29

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!

And a cask of Venusian sapphires shall go to whoever finds the remains of my most hated enemy: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000!

As for that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III, fetch me every scrap of wreckage that can be found! I shall display its shattered hull as a trophy at the entrance to my Palace!

A survivor? You have found a survivor of this wreck? Unthinkable! Nevertheless, bring him so that I may mock his utmost defeat.

Who is this? The skinny, pale Earth-woman April Van August? The very mate of Crash Comet himself?

Well, how tragic for you that your beloved has been so violently incinerated by my Astro-Fleet this day.

Evacuated by life-pod, were you? How touching. Crash Comet—chivalrous to the end, that insufferable Earthling meddler.

Come closer, Earth-woman. I grow pleased by your presence. Yes, I see that for all his faults, Crash Comet was a connoisseur of beauty. Though you are obviously frail and unintelligent—typical faults of your primitive species—you shall make an excellent queen for the Universe's mightiest tyrant!

Yes, my dear Earth-woman, as my bride, you shall sit at my side as I pass judgment on the cosmos, not to mention engaging me in more... pleasurable duties.

I decree it! The mighty Gorzo has found a bride! Bedeck the Great Courtyard! Prepare a magnificent feast! And dress the Bride of Gorzo in a gown of the sheerest gossamer!

Assemble my armies in full formal ceremony! Arrange a salutatory fly-over of my fleet's mightiest vessels! I shall be wed by sundown!

Is all prepared? Has my ceremony been arranged? Then bring forth my bride! Let the betrothal commence! Signal the orchestra!

I advise you to stop crying, my lovely, if you wish to live to see the honeymoon. Be of cheer! You shall soon be queen of all you survey!

Speed it up, now. Yes, yes, yes. She does. She most certainly does. Yes. Well, of course I do, you imbecile! I ordered this ceremony!

And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!

What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!

Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of... CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!

But how could this be? His Space-Yacht flew to bits before my eyes! This is unthinkable! I demand justice! Bring down that shuttle, or the entire Navy shall be put to death!

Stop panicking, everybody! The ceremony is not finished! We must complete the ceremony!

No! Not the giant statue of the mighty Gorzo!

No... No! Aiyeee!

Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!

By Gorzo The Mighty
Emperor Of The Universe

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the Rocket-Sled-Escape-Pod hangar bay whooshed open. You thought you had defeated me forever when my Imperial Fortress on the ice planet Freezion was destroyed. Fool! Did you really think the great Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, Overlord Of The Seven Suns Of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known, could have met with such an easy demise?

All this time, you thought you had defeated me... but you were only playing into my hands, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000! It is I! I am still very much alive!

Don't look so surprised, Crash... It is only your arch-nemesis himself. And do not be fooled into thinking that this is some sort of projected illusion, or even a hallucination caused by the nectar of the fresh-plucked Hypno-Flower.

What's this? Reaching for your Electro-Ray Pistol? Well, let's find out how well you can shoot... when you are in the grip of my Immobilizer Scepter! Ha! Look at you, Crash Comet. Caught... caught like an Earth rat in an Earth rat trap! What's the matter? Does being frozen in my scepter's Tracto-Beam cause you... PAIN? Ha ha ha ha! Behold the feeble worm before me! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, how I have anticipated this moment! My ultimate victory, at last!

How simple it was to deceive you! When you jammed the controls of my dreaded Atomic Radio Ray, causing it to emit oscillating waves of an increasingly higher frequency before finally self-destructing, you assumed that I had perished in the massive explosion! But how wrong you were! You were clever to wedge the butt of that Blasto-Rifle against the control lever so it would be stuck on maximum power, I give you that. And just as the Atomic Radio Ray immolated, how cunning it was of you to escape at the last second by jumping through the Electro-Portal as the fireball raced down the corridor behind you. But, alas, you were not cunning enough! It takes more than the crude strategies of a puny Earth brain to outwit the invincible Gorzo!

For it was my plan all along to trick you into thinking me dead. That way, I could carefully observe you and your allies from the Spaceship Gallant as you planned the next move in your relentless fight to free my interplanetary slaves from my iron grip. I knew you were coming here to the Space Laboratory to capture the rare Galactic Power Crystal and attempt to turn its awesome powers against my forces. I observed everything in my own Hidden Space Observatory, from which I direct my Remote-Control Robo-Legions in utter secrecy. How did I do this, you ask? Why, I had arranged to have the Spaceship Gallant fitted with a hidden Electro-Magneto Photo-Camera Transmitter! Your plans have been laid bare all along, as plain as daylight on the plains of planet Meex!

But come now... no more of this idle talk. I have toyed with you long enough, my puny prey. Now the time has come... for your annihilation! Prepare to be blasted into atoms, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000!

Wait! What is going on? No... no... NO! A rescue squad of Star Troopers from the rebel planet Xenon, bursting in through the sliding doors and cutting a swath of destruction through my Robo-Legionnaires?! If I do not retreat into my Escape Hatch immediately, they will surely capture me, as well! Your accursed friends have saved you once more! You've won this round, Crash Comet... but I tell you this: I, Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, will smite you in the end! Do you hear me, Crash Comet?

The next time, you will not be so lucky! Curse you, Crash Comet! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!

___________________________________________

THE FARSIDE
Please click on picture to enlarge it. I'm not kidding....

Now to the odd picture...

In memory of a friend

My friend, Bert Tilley, passed away a couple of years ago.
We all miss him.
It's too young to go at forty-three.
We didn't even know about his passing for awhile...

After the cancellation of MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) it was difficult to keep together, although we did have Inventing Situations and of course Glitters Capboard .
And the cappers did have the e-group, which was an important glue for those of us who have developed friendships online through capping. However, if you didn't frequent one or the other regularly, sometimes you became lost to the rest of us.
Sometimes we would call and find out what was happening or email someone to check on whether they were okay or what was going on, but sometimes they were just lost.
Unfortunately we didn't know he passed for awhile and it rocked our worlds.
I personally could not believe it.
He was one of the most lovely persons I had ever met online. Kind in word and wonderful in his ability to tell a story.
Even little things like spelling, you could overlook, because, hey, it was Bert or Uncle Bert as we called him on occasion.

For a really heartfelt and sweet Obit of my friend Read this: The Generik Brand blog article on Bert Tilley.

You might be wondering what caused this...Well, I was cleaning out old files and I was astonished when I came across these captions of Bert's that I had saved.

If you can't read a picture, please click on it for a larger version.

Leapetra Presents: PAN'S PETER....*Ahem* I mean, PETER PAN...

Glitter's Cap-Page Board

Indomitus:
BURN WITH ME!

crazyredheadedchick:

Harry Potter and the Acid Trip from Heck

Enapov:

Smashes Tinkerbell into the camera lens....
"They'll be no clapping today whore."

leapetra:
Would you like to hear more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Enapov:
We'd like to leave some literature here with you on the horrific and mind bogglingly painful and violent, fiery, destructive, did I mention painful? .... end of the world.....

GAH!!!

Green Puppy Born In New Orleans

Friday, May 09, 2008 7:42:27 AM

NEW ORLEANS -- One special puppy definitely stood out from his brothers and sisters when it was born last week with bright green fur.

Animal experts said the puppy would not stay green forever.

The Louisians SPCA said light-colored puppies are occasionally born with some discoloration after some fluids are mixed during the birthing process.

Animal experts said the puppy's green exterior should fade in about two to four weeks.

The puppy was expected to eventually sport white or tan fur.

_________________________

Do You Fart in Bed?

By: Ophelia Payne (View Profile)

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of farting loudly first thing every morning as he woke up. The noise would shock his wife out of deep sleep and the odor would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and all the spare parts—the gizzards, liver, and the neck—and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers down, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underwear and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you’ve been warning me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.”

“But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
_______________________
http://www.lolshock.com/
Shock sites.
Look under Clown song.
Lord. The man could put a pumpkin up there, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase butt baby.

Blessed be The Onion

Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth

May 7, 2008 | Issue 44•19

HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his $618 rebate check from the Internal Revenue Service Tuesday, and then immediately burned it to provide warmth for his wife and two sons. "It gets pretty cold here at night," said Donaldson, adding that with 75 percent of his take-home pay going toward car and mortgage payments, his children's schooling, and his wife's medical bills, the rare opportunity to sleep in a warm house for a night was much appreciated. "I just want to thank the government for sending such a large check. It burned for quite a while." Donaldson, who could not afford matches or fuel to light the check, said he made do by placing the envelope's clear plastic address window at an angle underneath the sun to spark the initial flame, which his family then huddled around until they fell asleep.
--

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think?

Dana Morrell,
Data Entry Specialist
"These warnings are crucial. If they'd told me what I really looked like, I never would have gotten the surgery."

Mark Madden,
Carpeting Installer
"The only name I'd trust in the way of clear and corrected vision is Ben Stein."

Neil Cebulash,
Systems Analyst
"If Americans have been refusing to heed Foreigner's 'Double Vision' warning for the past 30 years, what chance does the FDA have of enforcing informed consent?"

30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle'

May 5, 2008 | Issue 44•19

CHICAGO—The so-called "Kansas rectangle," a desolate and featureless region covering 82,277 square miles in America's mysterious Great Plains, has been a source of speculation among paranormal investigators for decades. Though the questions surrounding its existence have never been answered, one thing is certain: The life of former Chicagoan Kevin Corcoran suddenly vanished into the eerie region 30 years ago this week, never to return.

Enlarge Image

The last time Kevin Corcoran was seen being active.

According to his friends and family, Corcoran, a bright and energetic young man of 18, was last seen driving into the Rectangle in a Plymouth Duster on the afternoon of May 8, 1978. Surveillance footage shows him stopping at a gas station near the border to buy fuel and snacks at 4:15 p.m. Although his trip was only supposed to last the summer, he was never seen or heard from again.

The last known communication from Corcoran was sent from somewhere within the Rectangle, and made reference to plans to marry a large blond woman and enroll in a local technical college. Records indicate the message was received from 37 degrees 42 minutes north latitude and 97 degrees 20 minutes west longitude—but when searchers attempted to investigate that location, they found nothing but a tiny town with zero signs of life.

"Who knows if my son will ever return to civilization," said Corcoran's father, Dennis, now 76. "Some have reported seeing a pale and dead-eyed specter of him, trudging to and from a small office-supply firm every day, but they could just be legends. We don't know."

Acquaintances of Corcoran say they warned him that once he entered the Rectangle, he would never make it back out, but he did not listen, and was drawn there to investigate tales of cheap tuition. It wasn't until Corcoran failed to show up in the summer of 1978 for an annual camping trip, however, that the reality of his disappearance began to sink in.

"I knew then he wasn't coming back," friend Craig Wilkins said. "He got sucked into this alternative reality, and he can't get out. I'll never see my friend again."

Enlarge Image

The mysterious region has, according to some accounts, swallowed thousands of potentially interesting and active lives.

As haunting as his story may be, Kevin Corcoran is only one of hundreds of people who, for unknown reasons, have had years or even decades of their lives utterly fade away in the mystifying region. Still, most cases lack any hard evidence: The few known photos from inside the Rectangle show only a flat, blank emptiness, stretching unremarkably to the horizon.

What happens in the lives of those who venture within remains a mystery.

Matthew Hume, a researcher at the University of Chicago who studies the Rectangle, said the bizarre phenomena associated with the region might never be fully understood.

"As best we can tell, those who go beyond the area's borders for too long are knocked off course by the low external pressure to succeed," Hume said. "But after that, it's as if they fall off the face of the earth. There are cases of an entire Greyhound bus full of people entering the Rectangle and vanishing into obscurity."

Experts estimate that several million tons of consumer goods disappear into the region per year. Yet, almost nothing, save for the odd Sunday morning church broadcast, is ever detected coming back out.

Still, some travelers have returned to tell their tales. The most frequent occurrence reported by those who have survived the Kansas Rectangle is extreme disorientation and an unsettling perception of time distortion.

Boulder, CO resident Ned Frome entered the Rectangle in 2005 while en route to visiting family in St. Louis.

"I had been driving for hours, but it was as though I hadn't moved at all," Frome said. "I had no idea which direction I was going in. No matter where I looked, everything was exactly the same and before long, normal navigation was almost impossible."

"I'll never go in there again," Frome added with a shudder. "I felt like I was going insane."

Kyle Manheim, a photocopier salesman from Minneapolis who was once inside the Kansas Rectangle for two weeks on business, said he could not clearly remember any events from the time period.

"There isn't a single thing I can recall that would be worth mentioning," Manheim said. "I know I was there, but that's about it. It's like those 14 days never happened."

While many strongly believe in the eerie, soul-destroying powers of the Kansas Rectangle, the dearth of concrete evidence has drawn its share of skeptics.

"If you look at the statistics, there's nothing going on in that area that doesn't happen every day in the rest of the country," said Stephen Finney, a long-haul trucker who is familiar with the region. "What happened to Kevin Corcoran could have happened in Iowa, Indiana, or even Michigan.

"It's just a myth," Finney added. "This whole 'Kansas' place people talk about simply does not exist."

Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States

May 7, 2008 | Issue 44•19

WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented breach of national security, Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the international organization known as "the Roman Catholic Church," has infiltrated the highest levels of the U.S. government and devised a wide-ranging plan to destroy the entire country.

The White House, Yankee Stadium, and Ground Zero are likely targets.

Using recently uncovered information, shocked intelligence analysts have determined that the religious extremist's recent tour of the nation was in fact a reconnaissance mission designed to exploit essential weaknesses in our country's defenses and expose them to mass destruction.

"He had full access to everything—the White House, the National Cathedral, everything," said CIA director Michael Hayden, who reportedly has already tendered his resignation over the massive security failure. "By carrying out this espionage under the subterfuge of a goodwill mission of Christian charity, the pope was able to gain access to sensitive information never before obtained by a hostile foreign power. The president himself shook his hand, prayed with him."

"This is the most devastating failure of American intelligence imaginable," Hayden added. "We are completely helpless."

'The religious extremist was even observed walking through the halls of the White House. It's a terrifying breach in security.' –CIA Director, Michael Hayden

Twenty-seven separate federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies participated in security measures for His Holiness' visit to Washington and New York. All are now considered compromised.

According to event coordinators, the pope made repeated inquiries about areas of vulnerability during his tour, asking about the seating capacity and locations of emergency exits at Yankee Stadium, the civilian populations of the Washington, D.C. metro area, and the water-supply system of the Eastern Seaboard.

And in what many believe to be a related incident, a blueprint of New York's proposed Freedom Tower was reported missing the day after the pope's visit.

The CIA briefing details how a number of officials—including President George W. Bush—unwittingly gave up classified documents and information to the visiting pope, simply because he asked politely. During these seemingly benign conversations, officials said, the pontiff listened carefully, took notes, and was seen tapping on walls during tours of historic sites as if checking for structural weaknesses.

The Papacy - A Look Back

"We normally do not allow anyone to view top secret documents, but with the miter and the robe and everything, it was difficult to say no," said one Department of Energy official, who allowed Benedict to view plans for a proposed warhead delivery system, and detailed maps of the nation's nuclear power plants. "He said he wanted to bless the documents, which he did. Unfortunately, we now believe that the ring he wears is a miniaturized digital camera."

U.S. intelligence reportedly began to uncover the plot after routine monitoring of papal chatter in Vatican City—the heavily fortified city-state ruled by the pope and his minions, from which the infallible religious leader operates with diplomatic immunity—picked up the phrase "holy mission to blow up the United States" sometime around April 21.

According to a cardinal speaking on condition of anonymity, the popular religious extremist has been planning the destruction of America for decades. His plot includes coordinated attacks on multiple fronts, using explosives, poison gas, and some unknown weaponized biological agents referred to in Vatican parlance by the code name "plague of locusts."

Enlarge Image

Pope Benedict XVI gives a hand signal to hidden operatives after infiltrating White House security to meet with President George W. Bush.

The State Department's counterterrorism division has estimated that death tolls from the planned attacks could reach 150,000.

On Monday, the CIA released an audio recording of several voices believed to be those of high-ranking Vatican operatives. The tape reportedly contains numerous references to "the coming day of God's wrath against the Americans" and makes mention of several major landmarks, all in highly populated urban areas, as potential targets.

Chillingly, the recording concludes with the phrase "May God bless America," followed by what is being called a "throaty, maniacal" laugh that experts have identified as the pontiff's.

"The pope has one billion followers all around the world who are ready to do his bidding in whatever grim and deadly schemes he may devise," CIA Director Michael Hayden said. "I cannot imagine a more formidable enemy. Lord, have mercy on our souls in the terrifying, tragic weeks to come."

~~Shut up! No one likes you anyway.~~

* Glitter's Cap-Page Board.... Watchmen 10 ....Serious business....Kind of ....

• Glitter's Cap-Page Board WATCHMEN #10
  

WaffleKing:
He puts on 20 simutaneous porn DVDs and has the wank of a lifetime.

Mattteus:
hey, look at all that gay sex going on over there Rorschach... Rorschach? *Rorschach runs off
crying*

GlitterRock:... Maybe wish had eaten more beans in life. Love beans. Perhaps too much so. Ever gotten a bean-job from a Tawaianese prostitute? Didn't think so. That's how much I love them.
Mattteus:I appreciate your concern, you'll always stink and burn.
Enapov:... I still believe in Santa and The Easter Bunny...Underwear is non-essential clothing...I believe that beans are part of the greater universe...I don't know why their legume-ness intrigues me?

Stupid Ena tricks

Rod Rocket:
"Well, next time, stay on the bridge where you belong, woman!"
Enapov:
*tosses her some Xanax* I come prepared for every medical emergency.

Enapov:
In another scene we see Uhura standing crossing her legs; her eyes watering...."Where are they with that lavatory key?"

Enapov:
...Fine, let me just finish writing my name in this wall.

Enapov:
But first let's find some tomato's I can cleave neatly with my new ginsu knife!

____________________
I don't care if you find me funny, as long as I make me laugh!

Island of Lost Star Wars captions

When I took down the old blog I deleted a lot of caption galleries...However, some of the same captions and pictures were saved by Zee and Indo, who strangely enough, share some of my mysterious and yes, abject weird sense of humor.
I know, who knew?
I can sense it, why can't you?
Anyway, I saved some of them from their websites...And in the interest of being honest and pure at my evil, little, black heart...Here are some examples of what I randomly, and without thought, tossed carelessly into oblivion....

Enapov:
Movie tonight sir?
[signals:]*thumbs up.*
Kewl!

ArchHallJr:
"Before you fire the weapon, please remove the underwear from the ceiling. We've got to have some decorum here, men."

echostation:
"Hey look, someone left half a corned beef sandwich over he--"

"DIBS!"

JohnSteed:
"You are dropping some phat beats, Lord Vader!"

LauraPowers85:
"One time... while you were sleeping... I put underwear in your mouth... and had R2 take a picture." *dies*

RodRocket:
"Where's Sebastian Shaw?"

"SHHH!"

Enapov:
Yoda looks up...
"Who the frak are you?"

TheDiva:
Obi Wan: Wait a second...I lived a devout life of justice and non-violence, and I'm still an old fart. Meanwhile, this little turd totally screws up the galaxy, but does a deathbed confession and gets to be young again? I call NO FAIR, Force! I want my youthful hotness back, and I want it NOW!

GlitterRock:
Anakin: "Hey! Forget what the heck I look like -- why can Yoda sit on a branch and we can't interact with solid objects??"

Obi-Wan: "Hey... yeah! What's up wit' dat?"

"When two movies with Frank Oz's hand up YOUR rear you do, earn a comfortable seat you will!"

tinaw:
Alec: "So Hayden -- this is your only claim to fame, huh?"

Hayden: "I did Shattered Glass, you know."

Alec: "So -- only claim to fame, huh?"

Enapov:
Han....We were just.....Um, eating cookies....Yeah

The Seer:
"Your mother was such an extraordinary woman. A wonderful woman. Such a fine piece. How I miss her. Oh, Padme..."

"Uh, Master Kenobi?!? I don't think I should be here anymore."

eber3:
You sing beautifully!

jondapicam:
Oh how I miss whacking off!

Enapov:
I don't think that anything came of it...I mean I wore a rubber...But I don't know, I mean, I know what she said but...Anyway...

jondapicam:
I sense a disturbance in your pants as you hear the name, Leia.

Enapov:
Strangely enough, from here you look like Obi Wan when he was your age Luke and I re.........THAT WHORE!!!!!!!!

WaffleKing:
Oh right. This is that famous scene where they wander off from the party!

Enapov:
*Han has more than a fart...*
Darn it, I just put on these jeans too.

Mattteus:
Grrrrr! caption make Han ANGRY!

Enapov:
Xanax?

RodRocket:
No? How about Ambien? Want a nice Ambien? Huh?

Mattteus:
hey didn't you listen to the ranger?? they said DON'T feed the animals!

Enapov:

Hua? Dark Lord droppings...Vaders been here for sure.

Enapov:
~ooOOSo later, I am going to get a cheeseburger and some fries and possibly crack a new joke to Carrie about her drug use...Boy she's fat.OOoo

ArchHallJr:
*squish!* "Ewwwwww! What was that?"

LauraPowers85:
"Aw, man! Who's been keeping old paint cans on my ping pong ball table? Just look at those paint rings!"

JohnSteed:
"It burns when I pee...."

WaffleKing:
Vader ordered all personel the thier battlestation just so he could have the video arcade all to himself.

Enapov:
You're gonna spank me.*sob*
I am not. Get out here!


TheDiva:
*elevator music version of the Imperial March*

_____________________________________________________________________

INDOMITUS'S'S SUPER-DUPER-MEGA
Enapov:
Jedi Master Yoda

Jedi Master Yoda, aged 900 years was found dead in his swamp house on Dagobah earlier today. Believed cause of death was vapid old age...However; detectives are still looking into mysterious reports of a man in black and some sort of x-wing that might have witnessed possible foul play...

Master Yoda taught at the Jedi Temple most of his life,
he specialized in Children with Special Talents. He was also known for his work in diplomacy and has, on occasion, done
field work for the Jedi council.

Funeral arrangements are being made through "New Republic Crematorium..."
Their motto is "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, when Cremations an option an urn is a must."
______________________

Enapov:
He's gonna bury him in his back yard under the tires...
______________

Enapov:
Hide the beer, the cops are behind us...
__________

GlitterRock:
Leia was repulsed-- disgusted-- revolted... but nasty Hutt love WOULD mean she would get a free hot fudge malt. Hmmmmm...

tinaw:
"Would it help if you thought *I* was your brother?"
______________________________

TheDiva:
Somewhere, George Lucas is snickering like a preteen boy.
_________________

RodRocket:
"Did you bring me my Cheez-Whiz, boy?"
_____________________

Indomitus:
Yoda is survived by a whiny young Jedi wannabe, and a plastic snake that inexplicably hung around his action figure's neck.
_________________

Enapov:
Okay I need you to put the helmet back on...*smiles*
_______________

Enapov:
And my sister has it ....
*what, does your sister have?*
Rhythm!
(starts dancing)
____________________________

Enapov:
Touch my butt again Hamill and you die.
___________________________________________________

Use the force...It has less calories and more vitamin C than those other ethereal fields out there and costs less.

Things are the way they are...

HOW TO HANDLE A PROBLEM NEIGHBOR

Boy Genius!


Tattoo Of The Year

The cat's behind!

John Sagittarius
(xigeous)

Yuck!

=X=

The Onion rings...Can you get that?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head

By Robert Pelaski
Wayne County Surveyor, Wayne County, MD
April 30, 2008 | Issue 44•18

My fellow citizens of Wayne County, thank you. You have entrusted me with a sacred duty—the most-honored position of surveyor for the entire county of Wayne, which includes the cities of Portage, Clara, Allerton, and Dixon, as well as many, many townships. As reelection approaches, let me once again assure you that I will never allow this awesome responsibility to affect my humility or in any way impair my service to you.

Not even if I go down in the history books as one of the greatest, longest-serving, and most beloved county surveyors in Maryland history.

I am but a public servant. I arrive each morning bright and early with the day's surveying work foremost on my mind. Please know that my door is always open to citizens who may wish to stop by and talk about county issues or to shake my hand and tell me what a "good job" I am doing or even to mention how much better I am than the last county surveyor, Brad Engels, who was utterly annihilated in the last election and left this office in shame and humiliation. I promise I will never be too busy or important to spend some time with the locals, no matter how seemingly insignificant they might seem on the county level.

While it does not affect me in the slightest, I can understand how some might find being sole protector of more than 900 miles of county-regulated drains impressive. Sexy, even. But I did not get into the county surveyor business to sign autographs or to have my name in the Wayne Ledger three times this year. Nor did I take up this hallowed mantle to see crowds line the streets as I drive by, whereupon fathers turn to their young sons and say in hushed tones, "There goes a man whose ability to record and maintain elevation benchmarks once a year rivals that of Atlas himself. That, son, is a man far better than I."

Worry not, O ye common masses of Wayne County and its outlying areas. I vow never to be one of these men who walks around like he owns one of 12 seats in the county planning commission's bimonthly meetings.

God knows I have seen this job's power swell up inside lesser men, filling them with the godlike righteousness that only comes from being charged with the task of recording and maintaining the square-mile corners of land that were established by Congress to define the borders of Wayne County. Soon they are lording their position as a nonvoting member of the county drainage board over lesser officials. Like, for instance, the deputy county surveyor.

Power like that can make a man his own worst county surveyor.

I am the sort of strong-willed individual who will not fold when verifying all incoming maps for legal and technical adequacy, thus making land-survey information available to the public. I will not deny that, now and then, there is a certain rush that comes with such work—the adrenaline that flows from knowing that with a simple flick of the wrist I could move the boundaries of every one of the polling districts in this whole county three entire inches.

But I would never do that, because you have placed your trust in me, and because those boundaries have to be certified by the State Election Board anyway.

Some credit is due to you, then, Wayne County citizens, for not putting in office some power-hungry opportunist lacking the mettle to handle the job. I would never dare to speak for all of you, but I think it is fair to say that more than a few must be thinking to themselves, "Well, thank God we elected a county surveyor who is free from ego, modest to a fault, and is just generally the Joe DiMaggio of land-parcel mapping and plat checking."

There is absolutely no need to thank me. I am just doing my job. The job that the hundreds of you who came out in droves four years ago to vote a straight Democratic ticket that included, three-fourths of the way down, my name elected me to do. I will never forget that day, when the adult citizens of Wayne County made their haggard, tired, and lowly voices known and begged me to be their new county surveyor, the only man capable of saving them and supervising the annual maintenance of their precious drainage system.

As I said, I am not in this for the praise, but you're welcome anyway.

~Who?~