From The Onion
You Shall Make An Excellent Queen
Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!And a cask of Venusian sapphires shall go to whoever finds the remains of my most hated enemy: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000!
As for that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III, fetch me every scrap of wreckage that can be found! I shall display its shattered hull as a trophy at the entrance to my Palace!
A survivor? You have found a survivor of this wreck? Unthinkable! Nevertheless, bring him so that I may mock his utmost defeat.
Who is this? The skinny, pale Earth-woman April Van August? The very mate of Crash Comet himself?
Well, how tragic for you that your beloved has been so violently incinerated by my Astro-Fleet this day.
Evacuated by life-pod, were you? How touching. Crash Comet—chivalrous to the end, that insufferable Earthling meddler.
Come closer, Earth-woman. I grow pleased by your presence. Yes, I see that for all his faults, Crash Comet was a connoisseur of beauty. Though you are obviously frail and unintelligent—typical faults of your primitive species—you shall make an excellent queen for the Universe's mightiest tyrant!
Yes, my dear Earth-woman, as my bride, you shall sit at my side as I pass judgment on the cosmos, not to mention engaging me in more... pleasurable duties.
I decree it! The mighty Gorzo has found a bride! Bedeck the Great Courtyard! Prepare a magnificent feast! And dress the Bride of Gorzo in a gown of the sheerest gossamer!
Assemble my armies in full formal ceremony! Arrange a salutatory fly-over of my fleet's mightiest vessels! I shall be wed by sundown!
Is all prepared? Has my ceremony been arranged? Then bring forth my bride! Let the betrothal commence! Signal the orchestra!
I advise you to stop crying, my lovely, if you wish to live to see the honeymoon. Be of cheer! You shall soon be queen of all you survey!
Speed it up, now. Yes, yes, yes. She does. She most certainly does. Yes. Well, of course I do, you imbecile! I ordered this ceremony!
And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!
What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!
Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of... CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!
But how could this be? His Space-Yacht flew to bits before my eyes! This is unthinkable! I demand justice! Bring down that shuttle, or the entire Navy shall be put to death!
Stop panicking, everybody! The ceremony is not finished! We must complete the ceremony!
No! Not the giant statue of the mighty Gorzo!
No... No! Aiyeee!Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!
Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the Rocket-Sled-Escape-Pod hangar bay whooshed open. You thought you had defeated me forever when my Imperial Fortress on the ice planet Freezion was destroyed. Fool! Did you really think the great Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, Overlord Of The Seven Suns Of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known, could have met with such an easy demise?
All this time, you thought you had defeated me... but you were only playing into my hands, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000! It is I! I am still very much alive!
Don't look so surprised, Crash... It is only your arch-nemesis himself. And do not be fooled into thinking that this is some sort of projected illusion, or even a hallucination caused by the nectar of the fresh-plucked Hypno-Flower.
What's this? Reaching for your Electro-Ray Pistol? Well, let's find out how well you can shoot... when you are in the grip of my Immobilizer Scepter! Ha! Look at you, Crash Comet. Caught... caught like an Earth rat in an Earth rat trap! What's the matter? Does being frozen in my scepter's Tracto-Beam cause you... PAIN? Ha ha ha ha! Behold the feeble worm before me! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ah, how I have anticipated this moment! My ultimate victory, at last!
How simple it was to deceive you! When you jammed the controls of my dreaded Atomic Radio Ray, causing it to emit oscillating waves of an increasingly higher frequency before finally self-destructing, you assumed that I had perished in the massive explosion! But how wrong you were! You were clever to wedge the butt of that Blasto-Rifle against the control lever so it would be stuck on maximum power, I give you that. And just as the Atomic Radio Ray immolated, how cunning it was of you to escape at the last second by jumping through the Electro-Portal as the fireball raced down the corridor behind you. But, alas, you were not cunning enough! It takes more than the crude strategies of a puny Earth brain to outwit the invincible Gorzo!
For it was my plan all along to trick you into thinking me dead. That way, I could carefully observe you and your allies from the Spaceship Gallant as you planned the next move in your relentless fight to free my interplanetary slaves from my iron grip. I knew you were coming here to the Space Laboratory to capture the rare Galactic Power Crystal and attempt to turn its awesome powers against my forces. I observed everything in my own Hidden Space Observatory, from which I direct my Remote-Control Robo-Legions in utter secrecy. How did I do this, you ask? Why, I had arranged to have the Spaceship Gallant fitted with a hidden Electro-Magneto Photo-Camera Transmitter! Your plans have been laid bare all along, as plain as daylight on the plains of planet Meex!
But come now... no more of this idle talk. I have toyed with you long enough, my puny prey. Now the time has come... for your annihilation! Prepare to be blasted into atoms, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000!
Wait! What is going on? No... no... NO! A rescue squad of Star Troopers from the rebel planet Xenon, bursting in through the sliding doors and cutting a swath of destruction through my Robo-Legionnaires?! If I do not retreat into my Escape Hatch immediately, they will surely capture me, as well! Your accursed friends have saved you once more! You've won this round, Crash Comet... but I tell you this: I, Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, will smite you in the end! Do you hear me, Crash Comet?
The next time, you will not be so lucky! Curse you, Crash Comet! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!
THE FARSIDE
Please click on picture to enlarge it. I'm not kidding....
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