Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose
Subtle muscular adjustments can show, from left, wistfulness, determination, and unbridled hopefulness.
CHICAGO—As the 2008 presidential election draws closer, Democrat Barack Obama has reportedly been working tirelessly with his top political strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which many believe is vital to the success of the Illinois senator's campaign.
When performed correctly, the pose involves Obama standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 500 and 600 yards away. Advisers say this creates the illusion that Obama is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.
Interactive Graphic
The Science of Inspirational PosesObama's advisers have created a computer model to simulate the optimal looking-off-into-the-future pose.
"The senator spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off into the distance," said chief political strategist David Axelrod, who regularly analyzes video of the pose with Obama, pinpoints areas that need improvement, and makes necessary tweaks.
"It is critical to get every detail right," Axelrod continued. "If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by something in the back of the auditorium. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the environment for future generations."
The pose also requires Obama to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith in the nation's children.
He must then clench his jaw with sufficient force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, Axelrod said, his supraorbital forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain.
"Every millimeter of that head vein costs him 150,000 votes," Axelrod said.
To complete the pose, Obama must then open his eyes at an aperture of 1.43 centimeters, tilt his chin slightly upward, and rotate his head 37 degrees to the left. His advisers stressed that he must always look to the left.
"When you look to the future, you look to the left," Axelrod said. "Looking to the right is an I-am-sorry-for-the-mistakes-I've-made-in-the-past-but-promise-to-work-my-hardest-for- this-great-nation-from-now-on pose. It's too early for that."
The biggest obstacle Obama has had to overcome in recent weeks is his proclivity to squint while looking toward the future, which aides say alienates voters.
"We've worked on the squinting," said Obama adviser Sam Hosking, who claimed it was a "death knell" for a candidate to appear to be struggling to see the nation's future. "It took a lot of work, but we were able to turn the squint into a solemn blink."
"The blink humanizes him," Hosking added. "But you have to be careful. Two blinks and people will start to question if he's a man of his word."
Obama has also worked on increasing the speed with which he can strike the pose. Advisers say that it is critical for him to be able to quickly and seamlessly transition into the looking-off-into-the-future pose at any moment, especially during applause breaks in his speeches, while being photographed from low angles, and whenever there is a large American flag waving gently behind him.
Obama's advisers have recently given him clearance to nod resolutely upon completing the looking-off-into-the-future pose.
"A nod is acceptable," Hosking said. "The American people respond well to nods."
Although Obama's pose has been modified and fine-tuned over the course of the campaign, some pundits claim that Obama's original looking-off-into-the-future pose was the strongest and most believable.
"I fell in love with the chin-three-inches-from-the-neck Barack Obama," said longtime Obama supporter and MoveOn.org employee Peter Koechley. "I just don't know if a chin-four-inches-from-the-neck or, even worse, a chin-two-inches-from-the-neck Obama is the same Obama that first inspired me."
As soon as Obama masters his looking-off-into-the-future pose, aides say he will begin honing his looking-straight-down-and-gripping-the-lectern-while-taking-a-deep-breath-to- communicate-both-his-rise-from-humble-roots-and-his-dedication-to-upholding- the-honor-and-responsibility-of-the-presidency-while-still-fully-understanding- the-historical-significance-of-the-moment pose.
We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up
I like fun. This family is all about fun. It's the linchpin of our togetherness. In a few weeks, the carnival is coming to town, and you know what that means. It means the Becker family will be going to Black Bart's Olde-Tyme Western Photo Booth to be photographed in period-appropriate garb under an authentic, brownish tint. But before we are transported to the time of Wild Bill Hickok, let me make one thing very clear: If you so much as think about ruining this special moment for your mother and sisters and me, I will ground you so fast it'll make your head spin.
Ever since I saw that photo booth at the Sauk County Fair last year, I knew what we had to do. We were going to march in there, don hats and costumes that have been worn by hundreds of other people, and make the Wild West come to life. It's been a long year. We've certainly had some ups and downs, but together, we've persevered. But I will not allow you and your giggling and carrying on to rob this family of the opportunity to make a photographic memory that will last a lifetime.
Let's make absolutely sure we're all entering into this with the same goals and expectations. I don't want to get a print back and see any eye-rolling, rabbit ears, or funny faces. This monochromatic snapshot will connote a solemn nod to our country's past, and our old-timey clothing and accessories will display our commitment to one another during hard times, cholera, and difficult frontier living. And I sure as heck had better see as much reflected in your behavior on Saturday.
So, before we visit that photo stand at the carnival, I want each and every one of you to look in the mirror and envision yourself as you would have been in the late 19th century. This is not a time for games or careless mistakes. I don't want to see any fancy wristwatches or sunglasses that would give us away to a visitor from 1840. In order to make this trompe l'oeil work, we have to be fully devoted to accuracy.
That is why I have drafted a seating arrangement for everyone to follow. I expect you all to have your places memorized so we won't have to waste any time when the moment arrives.
And you, Joshua Michael Becker, will behave like a perfect gentleman while you're dressed like a mustachioed saloon-keeper. Am I understood? You will honor your family holding a pose where you're looking at your younger sister—who will be dressed as a dancing girl whether she likes it or not—in a respectful, yet slightly randy fashion. I want to make sure that people who see the picture will chuckle in recognition of our devotion to realism in anachronistic photography, but feel no urge to call social services. Yes, it will be funny, but it's no joke.
Any sign of shenanigans and you'll be wearing the prospector's outfit and leaning on the piano. Just try me, buster. Your mother will be the bar wench, Amanda will be the dancing girl, and Gabby will be the orphan from the covered-wagon train who survived the Comanche attack. She's always been the actor of the family.
I'll be the only cowboy. No arguing.
Too much time and energy has been put into this moment for you to shoot it all to hell. I've been growing these sideburns for five months, and they itch like a bastard. But that's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to endure to make this work, so the least you can do is part your hair down the middle and use both hands to clasp your lapels. And don't you dare go running off with your friends as soon as the shutter clicks. We will stay in that booth until we get it right. Remember how well our choreographed pose worked on that Splash Mountain picture? You wanted to stop after the second try, but we took that ride eight times before we got it right, and the proof is framed on top of our piano. Actually, the seventh time was the keeper of the bunch, but it's always good to have a safety.
That's what happens when you work hard at developing healthy family unity. This is not going to be a replay of the Christmas card. This is not going to be a replay of the fake Sports Illustrated cover. And I'm not even going to discuss the put-your-head-in-the-strongman-family cutout picture fiasco of 2004.
This Wild West portrait is going to be good. This is going to be fun. And this is going to be a novelty photograph we can all cherish for the rest of our lives.
Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships
Modern women are finally seeing the opportunity to toil for years on meaningless busywork.
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COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report published Monday in The Journal Of Gender Studies, many American women are bucking centuries of traditional gender roles by placing stunted, emotionally unfulfilling relationships on hold in order to pursue mind-numbing careers devoid of any upward mobility.
The study, which surveyed a cross-section of 477 female recent college graduates, found that young women were 23 percent more likely than any previous generation to seek dissatisfaction in the professional world rather than in empty romantic partnerships. Dr. Gillian Detweiller, a professor of women's studies at the University of Maryland and coauthor of the report, said that the data suggests a cultural sea change in how women choose to experience lifelong disappointment.
"Avoiding dying alone at all costs is no longer the primary goal for many of today's women," Detweiller said. "Every year, millions of educated females discover that they can be just as underappreciated and ignored in the workplace as they can while doting on loutish and inattentive boyfriends."
In addition to an overall increase in those settling for absolutely futureless secretarial or librarian positions, the study showed that more women are now choosing dead-end occupations conventionally dominated by men, such as accounting and data entry.
"Technical and repair professions with zero prospects for advancement are no longer viewed solely as the realm of males," Detweiller said. "Women have proved that they are just as adept as men at frittering their lives away in soul-crushing vocations."
While the number of women entering moribund, male-dominated careers continues to approach parity, the longtime wage gap between men and women has been slower to catch up.
"Women still average a 7 percent more abysmal salary than the already pathetic income of their male counterparts," Detweiller said.
According to the report, increased college enrollment over the past 20 years has led to the recent surge in women choosing to abandon their aspirations outside the home, as many more females are afforded the opportunity to enter the monotonous suffocation of professional life.
Lillian Taylor, a recent graduate of SUNY- Purchase in New York, said that without her undergraduate business administration degree, she would never have been able to entrap herself in a go-nowhere human resources position instead of a love-bereft relationship.
"So many of my friends ended up centering their lives around uncaring deadbeats," Taylor said. "I'm not saying that I won't date a series of emotionally distant men in the future, but for right now, I prefer to focus on carving out a solid career rut for myself."
"No one is going to hold me back except for me," Taylor added.
Though many women have echoed Taylor's sentiments, others feel that modern women need not be forced to choose. A growing number of pitiful-career-oriented females are finding ways to juggle the minimal demands of a low-profile job with the embittering drain of a futile relationship.
"There is nothing that says women can't experience the manifold of crippling defeats life has to offer," said Elizabeth Mooney, a 46-year-old career counselor. "A woman shouldn't feel as though she has to forfeit her chances of raising three disappointing children with a man she doesn't love simply because she chose to squander the best years of her life working as a career counselor."
Though a greater number of women have decided to waste their fleeting youth toiling away in unrewarding jobs, other statistics have shown that a growing faction are embracing the more traditional alternative of slipping quietly into a painless death with a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of Gordon's gin.
Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents
The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that have been linked to auto accidents. What do you think?
Layla Smerker,
Auto Body Worker
"Look, before people get upset with the FDA, they should know Pfizer meticulously test-marketed this drug for years, and turns out there's a large segment of the public who will risk insanity and death to stop smoking."
Rich Klenk,
Hair Stylist
"This might explain why the pilot on my last flight constantly came on the PA to point out smokestacks below the plane."
Matty Cimberg,
Systems Analyst
"This could make a good anti-smoking campaign: 'If you smoke, no matter what you do, you will die a horrible death.'"
~Shut up! No one likes you anyway!~
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