Something stinks like ONION

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

August 18, 2009

WASHINGTON—After months of committee meetings and hundreds of hours of heated debate, the United States Congress remained deadlocked this week over the best possible way to deny Americans health care.

"Both parties understand that the current system is broken," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters Monday. "But what we can't seem to agree upon is how to best keep it broken, while still ensuring that no elected official takes any political risk whatsoever. It's a very complicated issue."

"Ultimately, though, it's our responsibility as lawmakers to put these differences aside and focus on refusing Americans the health care they deserve," Pelosi added.

The legislative stalemate largely stems from competing ideologies deeply rooted along party lines. Democrats want to create a government-run system for not providing health care, while Republicans say coverage is best denied by allowing private insurers to make it unaffordable for as many citizens as possible.

"We have over 40 million people without insurance in this country today, and that is unacceptable," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "If we would just quit squabbling so much, we could get that number up to 50 or even 100 million. Why, there's no reason we can't work together to deny health care to everyone but the richest 1 percent of the population."

"That's what America is all about," he added.

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Marijuana Growers Linked To California Fire

A cooking fire started by marijuana growers linked to a Mexican cartel is said to be responsible for burning around 90,000 acres of the Los Padres National Forest. What do you think?


Darcy McQueen,
Farmer
"Like you've never taken the time out for s'mores during a 240-kilo pot harvest."

David Massen,
Systems Analyst
"Every biologist knows that periodic, negligence-related fires are necessary to maintain a healthy forest ecosystem."


Craig Votruba,
Unemployed
"Yeah, but dude, you ever get high and cause a hurricane? It's so awesome."

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Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side!

By Roger Dudek
Well, hello there, loyal readers. So good of you to drop by. Please, won't you step into the foyer? Or at least point to it and tell me where it is? Because I haven't the slightest clue! You guessed it, it's moving day 'round the Dudek household. Rosemary and I sold our house and found a smaller place to match my smaller paychecks. And it's a good thing, too. Right now our budget is stretched thinner than Joan Rivers' forehead. (And that's thin!)

Now, I'll admit, moving has never been one of my favorite activities. In fact, on the list of things I enjoy doing, it would rank somewhere between eating chalk and getting a root canal at the DMV. Thankfully, there are people you can pay to pack up all your belongings, place them carefully in a truck, and transport everything to your new home, safe and sound, without a scratch on them.

Or, you can do what I did, and hire movers!
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