Congress Beginning To Suspect Senator Mark Warner Might Be Homeless
WASHINGTON—Warner's recent habit of introducing legislation written out on large pieces of brown cardboard only furthers speculation that he has hit hard times.
GM Selling Cars On eBay
In order to combat its sales slump, General Motors, in cooperation with about 225 dealerships, has begun selling cars on the auction website eBay. What do you think?
Alice Huston,
Birth Attender
"With this kind of innovative thinking, I think GM will someday be as successful as my mom's homemade candle business."
Kim Amell,
Systems Analyst
"I guess not selling cars on eBay is probably a lot cheaper than hiring people to not sell cars in dealerships."
Andy Nachtrab,
Hammer Mill Operator
"They nailed the crux of the problem right there. The reason for the collapse of the auto market was that you just couldn't buy a brand-new $25,000 vehicle, sight unseen, from an Internet auction house."
Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'
ROLLA, MO—A reading of Gabriel Fournier's The Eclipse Of Infinity reveals that the new science-fiction novel makes more than 80 separate references to 'quantum flux,' a vaguely defined force the author uses to advance the plot, resolve conflict as needed, and account for dozens of glaring inconsistencies.
Teenage Rebels Seize Control Of Food Court's Corner Table
HOLLAND, MI—According to mall personnel, a roving gang of 15-year-old rebels captured a corner table at the Woodland Mall food court Sunday in a forceful act of nonconformity that displaced families and caused concern among business owners. Some believe the intimidating teenagers may belong to the same band of dissidents that has been gaining power in the shopping center's upper level since last Thursday's devastating verbal attack on a Lane Bryant beachwear display. Although the rebels have voiced opposition to all forms of authority and vowed to defend their position at any cost, an incoming strike by an extreme faction of 12th-grade jocks eventually forced them to retreat into a nearby Lids.
We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program
Here at Lowell's Cleaning Services, our greatest asset is our employees. We're always striving to make our company stronger, and we try to be open to your ideas for improvements. For quite some time now, we've been hearing that many of you aren't happy with our retirement savings plan. That's why, beginning next week, we will heed the advice of those who absolutely could not stand our generous 401(k) matching program by permanently eliminating it.
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....And here for your dining and dancing pleasure....Old people being paranoid and uninformed....People, people, people....
Personally, I'm thinking of resigning my humanity and becoming a piece of grass because for sure someone would water and feed me.
He then adds: "Folks will say that's not true but, I've got facts on my side and you've got Glenn Beck on your side."
And the guy that says, "PROVIDE FOR THE GENERAL WELFARE-IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION OR MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T READ IT!!!"
That's precious! God Bless Them.
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Joan Crawford - "I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend."
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