December 9, 2008 | Issue 44•50
WASHINGTON—In an unexpected judicial turnaround, the Supreme Court this week reversed its 2000 ruling in the landmark case of Bush v. Gore, stripping George W. Bush of his earlier political victory, and declaring Albert Arnold Gore the 43rd president of the United States of America.
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President Gore, retroactively determined by the Supreme Court to be the winner of the 2000 election, is sworn in for his six-week term.
The court, which called its original decision to halt manual recounts in Florida "a ruling made in haste," voted unanimously on Wednesday in favor of the 2000 Democratic nominee.
Gore will serve as commander in chief from Dec. 10 to Jan. 20.
"Allowing this flaw in judgment to stand would set an unworkable precedent for future elections and cause irreparable harm to the impartiality of this court," said Chief Justice John G. Roberts in his majority opinion. "Furthermore, let me be the first to personally congratulate President Gore on his remarkable come-from-behind victory. May he guide us wisely into this new millennium."
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Former Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush gets some much-needed rest Monday after his 2000 presidential campaign loss to rival Al Gore.
Added Roberts, "The system works."
Moments after the court's noontime announcement, Gore was flown to Washington, D.C. aboard Air Force One, sworn in on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, and immediately escorted to a brief victory rally at the National Mall. By 4:30 p.m., his 15 cabinet appointees had been vetted, contacted, and brought to Washington, where they were all simultaneously approved by a majority vote in the Senate.
Gore then delivered the first of seven consecutive State of the Union addresses.
Shortly after being notified of the court's historic decision, a gracious George W. Bush appeared at a press conference with four hastily packed suitcases to congratulate his 2000 opponent on the decisive victory.
"Al Gore has fought a strong and patient campaign, and he has prevailed," said the former Republican candidate and Texas governor. "I wish him nothing but the best, and hope that his leadership will help see this nation through a catastrophic recession, an unending war in Iraq, and the single largest housing crisis in history. Congratulations, Mr. President."
In his first and last 42 days as president, Gore will reportedly visit U.S. troops overseas, meet with dignitaries from France, Great Britain, China, Azerbaijan, Japan, and Eastern Europe, formalize a plan to bail out the struggling airline and automotive industries, sign the Kyoto Protocol, take a photo of himself and wife Tipper in front of the White House Christmas tree, and ensure a smooth transition between his own administration to that of incoming president-elect Barack Obama.
"Great humility, honor, I'm President," Gore said to a crowd of tourists hastily shuffled into a White House corridor to hear the president deliver his acceptance speech. "Thanks, bye."
According to political analysts, the road ahead for President Gore is not an easy one. During his first conference call with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, NATO, OPEC, and the United Nations, Gore admitted that making good on his campaign promises in the next six to eight weeks might be difficult. The president noted his pledge to provide affordable health care to every single child in the U.S. by 2004 as "specifically in need of possible amending."
Gore also withdrew his intentions to pay off the national debt by 2012.
Although the president has already instituted a number of impressive environmental initiatives, he has drawn criticism from Republicans who claim that he is completely unprepared to deal with the current national climate.
"Throughout the entirety of his 2000 campaign, never once did Gore mention the tragedy of 9/11, or our conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Does he not care about our national security? Does Al Gore plan to ignore the needs of our brave men and women on the ground? What kind of world does Al Gore think we still live in?"
President Gore will not be the only new arrival in the White House to face criticism, however. Joseph Lieberman—the former independent senator from Connecticut who in just two months has gone from the short list of possible Republican running mates to nearly being ousted from the Democratic Caucus to becoming the first Jewish Vice President—will also have much to answer for.
"Uhh," Lieberman said in his first official address Wednesday. "Umm…yeah." 
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency July 2, 2008--
By Anne Macais
December 10, 2008 | Issue 44•50
No need to worry, I'm here now.
I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please, let me set your mind at ease about all that: I'm attractive. Matter resolved. And furthermore, as you can all clearly see, I'm very pretty and have appealing features, so everything is going to be all right.
Don't fret. My physical appearance is beautiful to look at.
No prob—I'm hot. It's natural to question why I should be promoted, admitted to the club, given that expensive necklace, allowed to use your car whenever I want, and able to expect that someone else will always pick up the check, but that's all settled now because I'm beautiful. And since I am advantaged, physically, there's no reason I shouldn't be given free rein to do what I will in this, or any other, situation. I'm sexy. That ought to take care of any adversity, trouble, or potential slight inconvenience, to me, that might come up.
Just wanted to clear that up so we can move along and get on with the me-admiring while I go about doing whatever I want. I am attractive. You are attracted to me because of this attractiveness.
My face is symmetrical. Therefore, the situation is completely resolved. My voice is melodious and, when not utterly aloof, slightly flirtatious. My posture, walk, and way of slowly shifting my weight from one hip to the other while twirling my hair absentmindedly as I gaze off into an untroubled haze are all compelling as hell to ruminate upon, in silent contemplation, while the rest of the world pauses. I even smell great. You're in for a rare treat, sensory-input-wise, being around me.
Go ahead. Soak it in. Feast your eyes. This is one of those moments. For you. So you see, we have no cause for distress anymore, in terms of whatever that may have been that was temporarily impeding the immediate gratification of my every wish.
I have shiny hair, so I'll handle this. My skin is flawless and free of blemish—save for one alluring birthmark seductively situated below my honey-dappled hip. Every part of my being is so alluring and attractive that it would be unfair to ask you to choose what you like the best. Well, no matter. You'll never suffer the hardship of having to pick a favorite from among my perfect features, because soon I will vanish—like a gossamer strand of spider-silk whisked away in the whispering wind—with no obligation to you or anyone like you.
Allow me.
And you will, in all likelihood, never speak to me again. Because, come on, what are the chances? But in the meantime, I am here, see? And you are looking at me. It's nice. Nice. Nice.
There, there. I'm gorgeous.
It seemed like there was some sort of problem? A moment ago? I'm sure everything is okay now and all issues have been resolved in my favor. I have a perfect set of gleaming white teeth, behind full, ruby-red, kissable lips that you will never kiss. My bone structure is genetically hardwired to be pleasing to the eye. My giggle is adorable! Everything's taken care of, okay? Because I'm pretty.
See? All better now. All is well. All is as it should be, thanks to my being incredibly good-looking. My legs look good. My eyes look good. My neck—let's not even go into my amazing, statuesque neck, which no one can help wanting to wrap their arms around and nuzzle their face into because of its inherently attractive nature. All of me looks good. And you—lucky, lucky you—get to bask in it, for a second or two, so its all good. We're good. We're cool, you and I.
There exists, in this zone of physical space surrounding my physical person, a state of grace suspending all potential impediments to my satisfaction in a low, murmuring sea of preference that flows from you toward me, because of my ageless and elegant beauty. So there is no tension or anxiety—not here anyway, at least not until I leave, which I inevitably will—and in the meantime you can savor my temporary sojourn amongst you.
Behold! My radiance is gently glowing like the soft light of the moon, drawing awe and admiration from everything it casts its light on. I'm paying attention to you. Yes, to little, less-attractive you. Doesn't that feel good, knowing that I am not only in the same room as you, but that I'm also acknowledging your existence momentarily? I'll bet it feels great. After all, this sort of thing doesn't happen to you every day. So what say we settle the pesky little matter of you not bowing to my every whim?
Pretty please?
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Tuesday, December 9, 2008
J.K. Rowling's first post–Harry Potter book, The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, has become another bestseller for the author. What do you think?
Noel Hildebrant,
Cashier
"I'd like to see her write about something other than wizards and warlocks. Maybe elves."
Angela Sabatke,
Unemployed
"I know, I've already read it! I thought the last tale, 'Lustoc The Mage Capitalizes On A Cultural Phenomenon,' was fantastic."
Wayne Kokkinos,
Floor Supervisor
"Who cares about dumb wizards now? Twilight! Twilight! Twilight! Vampires! Vampires! Vampires!"
Hey, I'll bet that Marilyn Manson would die for this!
