Tuesday, September 30, 2008

From the desk of Pete Yates and other bits of random happiness...

From the desk of Pete Yates:

Cheal Sweetman.
Not so sweet.... Man.

The last line puts this one over the top. Out of Aylesbury, England:
---

Husband exposed as a bigamist when shocked fourth wife opens divorce letter from third

By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 9:41 PM on 29th September 2008

A woman discovered she was married to a bigamist when she opened a letter issuing divorce proceedings from her husband's third wife.

Cheal Sweetman, 39, married Juliet Bond on December 31, 2004, even though his third marriage to Amanda Madden had not been dissolved.

The Aylesbury Crown Court heard that Ms Bond discovered the bigamy last year, some time after she had separated from Sweetman.

The letter from Ms Madden's solicitors spelled out her concern that she was not formally divorced from Sweetman.

It was then that Ms Bond reported the bigamy to police.

In a written statement to the court, she described how the revelation about her marriage had been life-changing.

'I cannot move forward with my life at this time as I do not know if I am married to the defendant,' Ms Bond said.

Deputy Circuit Judge Roger Conner told Sweetman, that people like him posed a threat to 'one of the building blocks of society'.

He sentenced the 39-year-old from High Street, Chesham, Buckinghamshire, to 11 weeks in prison, suspended for 18 months.

'You must have known you were misleading the registrar about the fact that you were married to your third wife,' Judge Conner said.

Prosecutor Richard Moss said: 'The defendant told Juliette he had been married three times before but believed his marriage to Amanda had been dissolved.

'Having sent a petition to the county court for divorce, he assumed he was divorced.'

Martin Hooper, defending Sweetman, told the Judge Connor: 'He should have known from previous experiences that he could not just assume that he was divorced.

'But he went through a ceremony of marriage and a relationship with Juliet for a genuine reason - there was no other motive.'

Mr Hooper also told the court that Ms Bond had been involved in an extra-marital affair and Sweetman subsequently left the family home with 'just a bag of clothes'.

Sweetman was convicted of bigamy at High Wycombe Magistrates' Court on August 26 this year and committed to Crown Court for sentencing.

Judge Connor ordered Sweetman to complete 100 hours of unpaid work for the benefit of the community.

Sweetman, whose new girlfriend attended the sentencing, was also ordered to pay £220 in costs to the court.



--
Italians for Obama?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A note from Snopes

Protect you're assets! Every time Bush comes on television, about this financial crisis we're in, I keep expecting him to close it with:
In summary, I would like every American to bend over, grab their knees, stick your heads between your legs and kiss your butt good-bye.
<straightens his papers >
Okay, I love ya, bye bye....
<scurries off the screen>


http://www.snopes.com/politics/palin/rally.asp


Thursday, September 25, 2008

More from the desk of Pete Yates: Possible (and literally passable) In The News story.


Farts have been funny since Elizabethan times (the first line of The Alchemist by Ben Johnson is "I fart at thee."), and of course one of the French Soldiers in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" says 'I fart in your general direction." To get criminal charges filed against you for farting is... amazing.
Out of today's online PI:
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Man charged after allegedly passing gas toward cop

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.

Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.

As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

"This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."

------

Well, then, what did you think the officer would do? Laugh? Are you still drunk?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Onion fried and served with garlic laden Thousand Island dressing....

'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat

September 24, 2008 | Issue 44•39

Bored Hillary

Sen. Clinton scans the Senate floor, passing the time eating Cheetos and wishing for better things.

WASHINGTON— In a blatant show of disgust and indifference toward her senatorial duties, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) repeatedly yelled "boring" from her seat Wednesday, interrupting New Mexico senator Jeff Bingaman's speech in support of S. 3125, a bill that would extend certain expiring provisions of the Internal Tax Revenue Code of 1986.

Clinton's declaration of boredom and the various iterations that followed—including shouts of "Bored," "I'm bored," "This is stupid," "This is boring," and "I'm so bored"—were not reportedly targeted at one person in particular but at the entire assembly. According to those senators present, Clinton delivered her unprompted remarks while she slouched in her chair, rested her head atop the back of her seat, and fixed her eyes on the Senate Chamber's ceiling.

"Shut up," a visibly exasperated Clinton said in a forceful monotone when Sen. Bingaman attempted to resume his speech. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

"Stop being boring," Clinton added. "Why can't we do something fun for a change, like run for president?"

Despite suggestions from nearby legislators that she keep her voice down, Clinton once again interrupted Bingaman before the conclusion of his speech when she began a slow, exaggerated clap for her colleague in an apparent attempt to get him to leave the podium. When Bingaman tried to speak above the clapping, Clinton addressed him with pointed sarcasm, saying, "Great speech, Jeff. Just great. Really brought the house down."

Clinton then reportedly asked the senator seated next to her, "How long do these things go?" and spent the next 45 minutes slowly rubbing her temples.

Although her fellow lawmakers admitted they were startled by Clinton's most recent outburst, they were not surprised. The disruption, one senator said, follows a pattern of rude behavior that began in June, when Clinton returned to the Senate after a narrow loss in the Democratic primaries.

During the first meeting she attended following her crushing defeat, Clinton greeted the 99 other senators by loudly declaring, "Ugh, kill me now." She then made what could be described as a "Yap, yap, yap" gesture with her right hand during the entirety of Sen. Harry Reid's (D-NV) introduction of bill S. 3268, an amendment to the Commodity Exchange Act.

Perhaps the most egregious example of Clinton's misbehavior, according to congressional records, came in July when the former presidential contender twirled her right index finger and stated "Whoop-de-doo" when Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) appeared on the Senate floor for the first time since undergoing surgery for brain cancer.

"We understand that Sen. Clinton is going through a difficult adjustment right now," Reid told reporters. "But at some point she is going to have to stop blurting out 'sucks' after each person's name is called during roll."

Reid went on to confirm reports that Clinton has taken to arriving an hour late to all meetings, most often wearing pajama bottoms and an oversized Late Show With David Letterman T-shirt.

However, many of Clinton's fellow senators said they do not mind her tardiness, noting that she is actually more of a disturbance when she arrives on time. One anonymous Wisconsin senator told reporters that Clinton has been known to deliver a sustained, audible sigh while President Pro Tempore Robert Byrd calls the meeting to order; frequently votes by letting out an extended belch; repeats the title of every bill in a high-pitched, mocking tone; and, once, after her disruptions caused the former first lady to be escorted out of the Capitol, raised both middle fingers in the air and proposed that the entire Senate go fuck itself.

"Yesterday I spoke to [Clinton] about the reauthorization of the Higher Education Act, a bill she used to be very passionate about," Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) said. "She pretended to fall asleep while I was speaking, started fake snoring, woke up, and said, 'I'm sorry, Tom, were you saying something?'"

"She's worse than Kerry was in 2004," added Harkin, referring to Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), who, after his loss in the presidential election, spent the remainder of the congressional year seated in the back of the chamber, trying to master "Rocky Raccoon" on his guitar.

Despite receiving several verbal warnings, Clinton has shown no signs of amending her behavior. As chair of the Subcommittee on Superfund and Environmental Health, the senator is expected to resume her duties tomorrow by banging a gavel in front of a silent audience for approximately 10 straight minutes and leaving for lunch.


Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance

September 22, 2008 | Issue 44•39

DENVER—After years of battling crippling premiums and agonizing deductibles, local resident Michael Haige finally succumbed this week to the health insurance policy that had ravaged his adult life.

Enlarge Image Haige

A healthy Michael Haige and his wife, six months before his courageous struggle with health insurance began.

Haige, who had suffered from limited medical coverage for nearly a decade, passed away early Monday morning. According to sources, the 46-year-old was laid to rest at Fairplains cemetery, surrounded by friends, family members, and more than $300,000 of mounting debt.

"I miss Michael every single day, but at least he can finally rest now," said Sheila Haige, who watched as insurance rates ate away at her husband over time. "What Michael went through, the humiliating forms, the invasive background checks, the complete loss of dignity and hope—I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on anyone."

Once a healthy and happy father of two, Haige saw his life forever change seven years ago when health insurance professionals diagnosed him with a preexisting condition. As months passed and his line of credit continued to deteriorate, the former high school football coach would experience excruciating headaches and bouts of nausea every time another hospital bill arrived.

"My dad always seemed invincible, like there was nothing in the world that could hurt him," son Ryan Haige said. "But then, one night, I found him bent over a stack of UB-92 and HCFA forms, and he was crying. I'd never seen my father look so scared in all my life."

Enlarge Image Struggle Timeline

Added Ryan, "Making those payments each month—it was killing him."

While family members refused to look at Haige's insurance plan as a death sentence, it soon became clear that their loved one was facing the biggest fight of his life. Countless visits to doctors, claims adjusters, and loan officers proved futile, with Haige being told at every turn that his case was hopeless.

"They said there was nothing they could do for him, that modern medicine was powerless against this monster," Sheila Haige said. "Still, Michael never gave up. He kept saying that he was going to beat the odds, that he was going to find some way to get coverage."

According to an independent study released last month by the Mayo Clinic, health insurance is the nation's No. 2 cause of death, claiming the lives of some 400,000 Americans each year. A silent killer, health insurance often strikes without warning, its harmful and profit-based policies avoiding detection until it is far too late. Although the cruel bureaucratic disorder does not discriminate, statistics have shown that senior citizens, young dependents, and those woefully underemployed are most at risk.

"I can't tell you the number of patients I've had to deliver the bad news to over the years," said Haige's longtime family physician, Dr. Howard Silverman. "It's never easy to look someone in the eye and tell them it's going to have to be out-of-pocket. For most of these poor people, prayer is the only hope."

Toward the end of Haige's seven-year ordeal, family members said, the once loving husband and father had become an empty husk of his former self.

"I remember the last thing he ever said to me," said eldest son Mark Haige, holding a small picture of his father during happier times, before the endless battery of co-pays began. "He took my hand in his, and he said, 'Son, promise me you'll never sign up for a high-deductible, network-model HMO.'"

While still angry and in shock over Michael's premature passing, Sheila and her two children say the whole experience has taught them the importance of family.

"If Dad were still with us, I know he would want us to be here, at home, supporting Mom," Mark Haige said. "She really hasn't been doing so well ever since Bankers Life and Casualty denied her life insurance claim."


Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet

September 24, 2008 | Issue 44•39

STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of area man Dwight Seidl's television cord to a nearby wall outlet. "The sole function I required of this incompetent [extension cord] was to provide a connection between my TV power adaptor and the AC current in that outlet. Sadly, it was completely unable to perform even this simple task," Seidl, who purchased the orange Black & Decker multi-socket extension cord that afternoon, told members of the media during a heated press conference. "I stand by my earlier claims that the cord is a son of a piece." The extension cord's misstep has reportedly taken some heat off a much-maligned one-inch piece of Scotch tape, which Seidl has twice blasted for failing to hold up his wall calendar.


Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

A new study shows that men who adhere to a traditional mind-set about gender roles are paid more than men who are more egalitarian. What do you think?

Young Woman

Renee Kaplan,
Systems Analyst
''Is this the least convoluted example of sexism they could find?''

Black Man

Micah Keenan,
Stockbroker
''Good to know. Next time I'm angling for a raise, I'll be sure to compliment my boss on her tits.''

Young Man

Frank Richards,
Salvage Dealer
"I'm fine with egalitarian men earning equal pay, I just don't think they should be allowed to marry or join the military."


Only in Northern Michigan and other various sundries.....

http://www.9and10news.com/News/

MAN FOUND HIDING IN WOMAN'S CLOSET IN TRAVERSE CITY
Police want to know why a man was hiding in a Traverse City woman's
closet.  They say she had just returned to her apartment with her roommate
on Centre Place Monday afternoon when she found the man hiding in her
bedroom closet.  The man ran off and the woman called police.  The victim
told us she didn't know the man but recognized him because he lives in the
same apartment complex.  Police do not know what his intentions were.  The
man will be formally charged with illegal entry today.



Be honest dude, you were going to try on her clothes because they make you feel pretty.
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Stinkin' smart! City uses DNA to fight dog poop

Israeli officials analyzing droppings to reward and punish pet owners


updated 10:08 a.m. ET, Tues., Sept. 16, 2008

An Israeli city is using DNA analysis of dog droppings to reward and punish pet owners.

Under a six-month trial program launched this week, the city of Petah Tikva, a suburb of Tel Aviv, is asking dog owners to take their animal to a municipal veterinarian, who then swabs its mouth and collects DNA.

The city will use the DNA database it is building to match feces to a registered dog and identify its owner.
Story continues below ↓advertisement

Owners who scoop up their dogs' droppings and place them in specially marked bins on Petah Tikva's streets will be eligible for rewards of pet food coupons and dog toys.

But droppings found underfoot in the street and matched through the DNA database to a registered pet could earn its owner a municipal fine.

"My goal is to get the residents involved, and tell them that together, we can make our environment clean," said Tika Bar-On, the city's chief veterinarian who came up with the idea for the DNA experiment.

Bar-On said the DNA database could also help veterinarians research genetic diseases in dogs, investigate canine pedigree and identify stray animals, replacing the need for electronic chip identification.

"The sky is the limit on how far we can take this," she said.

So far, Bar-On said, residents have "reacted positively to the program and are cooperating because they want their neighborhood to be clean."

She said Petah Tikva would consider making it mandatory for pet owners to provide DNA samples from their dogs if the trial program is successful.

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Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher
whose hand was caught  in a gate while working  with cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually,
the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to to be a heartbeat
away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post
turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up
there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just
wonder what kind of idiot put her up there to begin with."

_______________________________*^*______________________________

Be nice to America or we'll bring Democracy to your country


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lot's O' Snopes

http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/vpchange.asp
Okay, whatever...

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/dolphinrings.asp
It means in Dolphin language, "Your financial instituations are on the verge of collaspe...Put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!"

*IMPORTANT VIRUS WARNING* http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/obamavideo.asp *IMPORTANT VIRUS WARNING*
Eww, and I don't want to see that...Ewwww!

http://www.snopes.com/politics/mccain/5million.asp
I must be poor.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/palin/roosevelt.asp
Read further down on this one because...Ah, not so much.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/sarahpalin2.asp
MOMMY!!!! I had a bad dream that Sarah Palin came to our house and got me!!! *sob*

http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/vanhalen.asp
What?

McCain-Palin: 15th Century Solutions for the 21st Century!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Precious Onion Minutes....

Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

With the Dow Jones industrial average plunging more than 500 points Monday, both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are claiming they have a plan to keep the country out of economic turmoil. What do you think?

Young Woman

Julie Sherwin,
Upholsterer
"I'm all for plans, but personally, I like stimulus checks myself."

Black Man

Scott Hildebrand,
Stereo Salesperson
"If one of those guys' plans is Sarah Palin with a gun, I will be annoyed."

Young Man

Jeff Carley,
Systems Analyst
"They both want to fix the economy? Well, now I don't know who to vote for."

More American Voices



....Be nice to America or we'll bring Democracy to your country....



Ninja Kitty advances without moving...




At least 1/4 a way thru the video...




I saw it on "The Bonnie Hunt Show"...(Who is she anyway?)



Well, I laughed...You know...



Who cares what you think is funny anyway?



Go watch some more "Seinfeld" somewhere....Sheesh!!!

And it's: "talk like a pirate day"

ye, http://www.9and10news.com/

9/19 - Treasury Secretary Announces Finance Plan


Wall Street is holdin' on t' most o' its gains after Treasury Secretary Paulson addressed the nation about a plan t' relie'e banks o' their bad debts and restore the credit markets t' health.



Paulson says he plans t' work through the weekend with congressional leaders t' reach agreement on a plan that would address the root problems o' the financial crisis. Aye, me parrot concurs.

--





Good old fashioned Michigan weed.

SIX MEN ACCUSED OF GROWING MARIJUANA IN GLADWIN
Six men are in jail and 4,000 marijuana plants are out of the ground in
Gladwin. (A.K.A. Glentucky, along with Haristucky and Claretucky and Mt.Tucky...) The Bay Area Narcotics Enforcement Team (Bayonet is what they so cleverly call it) confiscated over 4,000 plants worth more than $4-million. They say hunters tipped them off on
where to find some of the plants.  The drug team says the men were
planning to camp out while they harvested the drugs. (who, the hunters, the enforcement team...Because the jig is up dudes, if that's the case, or the people growing the alleged "grass"?)


*One eyebrow is officially raised*






Tuesday, September 16, 2008

From the desk of Pete Yates

Toilet-paper researchers create 3-ply tissue

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

NEENAH, Wis. -- If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness.



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Tri-ply Toity paper....


Colonoscopies are no joke

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'Now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'






Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sit down and read some Snopes with me...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/mccain/carol.asp
Till Death or Disfigurement do us part?

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/gunschurch.asp

Charlie Daniels has his own opinions darn it!

http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/atmcard.asp

It concerns me when I see anything in an email that is supposedly from Nigeria wanting money.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/palin/sambo.asp

Like I said, if it's untrue, I'm pulling it off the blog...

http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/kevincarter.asp

Distrubing picture...And ultimately sad...


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Thursday, September 11, 2008

...Under the heading: Only in Northern Michigan

MAN TASERED AND ARRESTED AFTER RUNNING FROM POLICE
Troopers tased a man in Cheboygan County after he tried to run away during
an arrest. It started when troopers were called to a car stuck in the
ditch in Forest Township. The officers found out Howard Bidwell of Tower
had tried to use his own vehicle to pull the other out, but was told to
leave by friends. Troopers went to his house and found him drunk. When
told he was under arrest, Bidwell ran. Troopers then tasered and arrested
him.

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sincerely and with an absolute attitude of not joking...


In my quest to become more worthy of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I plan to attempt ( I'm not perfect and will probably miss something for sure but I will do my best to get the worst....) to omit all "bad and or dirty" words from my posts from this point forward....
Pray for me.
This is a whole new realm of cleanliness I am not acquainted with however, I have dabbled in it from time to time....

Onions with cheese


Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets

September 10, 2008 | Issue 44•37

WASHINGTON—With oil prices hitting record levels, the United States Air Force announced today that it has begun selling passenger tickets on all flights operated by its Air Force One fleet in order to maintain the service as a "feasible enterprise."

Enlarge Image Airforce One

Passengers can purchase their tickets online or through Condoleezza Rice.

"It no longer makes sense financially to let one passenger dictate when and where we travel," acting Secretary of the Air Force Michael Donley said in a press conference at the Pentagon, the Air Force's corporate headquarters in Arlington, VA. "We've got a big plane here, and there's no reason we shouldn't be filling it."

Air Force One has been in operation since 1943. Like other "legacy carriers," it had trouble remaining solvent following industry deregulation in 1978, but the service was able to stay afloat thanks to increased summit travel to the Middle East through the early 1980s. Now, however, as costs continue to skyrocket, Air Force One has been forced to make changes to survive in the current economic climate.

"We've made some major changes to Air Force One in order to reflect our new emphasis on customer service," said Air Force chief of staff Gen. T. Michael Moseley. "On each aircraft, the conference room, office, workout room, bedroom, and war room have been gutted and replaced with narrow rows and plush seats to accommodate additional passengers. Our former private chef service has been replaced by carts of drinks and economically priced prepackaged snacks. Even the escape hatch, originally designed for sneaking away from Kazakh hijackers but never used, has been converted into luggage storage."

Enlarge Image Airforce One Ad

Air Force One Air has begun running its ads in local newspapers and Pennysavers in the D.C. Metro area.

As a final cost-cutting measure, Moseley added, legroom was reduced by approximately 3,400 square feet.

In addition to retooling the interior, the Air Force has also instituted new fees to stay competitive and cut costs. Passengers bringing extra luggage items on board, such as fishing gear or a Scottish terrier, will be subject to a fee of $25. Nonalcoholic beer, the most popular beverage on Air Force One for most of the past decade, is no longer free, but sold at $3 a bottle. Customers, however, can now choose to pay $98 a year to skip the hassle of going through the security measures required on standard carriers.

The struggling airline sold its first passenger seats for a trial flight last month from Washington to Ottawa.

Although the flight typically lasts no more than two hours, to ensure a full aircraft, additional stops were scheduled in Louisville, Kansas City, Omaha, Des Moines, Chicago, Lansing, Detroit, a top-secret international conference in Kuwait, and Toronto. Further delays ensued when high air-traffic congestion slowed scheduled departures from Omaha and Toronto, and security measures—implemented by the Secret Service due to a last-minute CIA intelligence brief—resulted in an Indianapolis stop being canceled altogether. The airplane finally landed in Ottawa 27 hours after departing Washington.

Passengers thus far have had mixed reactions to flying with Air Force One. "It was pretty much what you'd expect from any airline, though we had to stop over in Kyoto, Japan for some reason," said Liz Silvius, 44, of McLean, VA, who was traveling with her family on a trip to Orlando. "And the in-flight movie was a State Department briefing on the North Korean nuclear threat. Not to mention that the guy sitting behind me wouldn't shut up about all the brush he cleared at his ranch."

One Washington resident and Air Force One frequent flyer, however, was unhappy. The 62-year-old government employee, who neglected to give his name, said he has used the airline for all his business trips since 2001 and "never had a problem before," but was surprised by the changes made under the new system. After 14 stops, he said, the Boeing 747 finally arrived at his destination city, where friends had been waiting seven hours to pick him up for the treaty signing they were attending.

"I've flown with [Air Force One] for a long time, but next time I may have to go on the Internet and see what else is out there," he said. "The government really needs to step in and do something about the fuel crisis in this country before it really gets out of hand."

Sources report that the Air Force considered selling passenger tickets on Air Force Two as well, but Vice President Cheney decided it was unnecessary.

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Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors

MSNBC has removed Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann from anchor duties during coverage of the presidential campaign. What do you think?

Young Woman

Robin Zucker,
Systems Analyst
"I'm sure they're okay with it. They've said their piece about politics."

Black Man

Carl Dunn,
Driver
"Although I like Matthews and Olbermann, I think it's a good idea to let some older, more experienced anchors interrupt people."

Young Man

Woody Laskin,
Porter
"This is the biggest upheaval at MSNBC since it dropped issues from its political coverage."

All American Voices

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Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers

September 9, 2008 | Issue 44•37

EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.

Enlarge Image Mountain Lion

The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.

The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.

Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.

"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone."

Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault

Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.

"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.

The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.

Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.

"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."

The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.

Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.


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Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama

September 10, 2008 | Issue 44•37


LOS ANGELES—Researchers at the USC Center for the Study of Television announced Monday that a new report points toward a drastically impaired response to real-world dramatic incidents among America's habitual television viewers. "We found that a majority of viewers who watch a normal amount of television—between 32 and 56 hours a week—were relatively unmoved by such personal traumas as divorce, financial disaster, or the death of a child, compared with their reactions to similar events on television," said Dr. Fernando Alonso, whose team conducted the study. "Respondents consistently said that predicaments they'd seen play out on House were worse than their loved ones' bouts with emphysema, and that they had experienced greater rejection over unrequited love during Grey's Anatomy than they had in their own lives." Alonso said the study, performed on adults over the age of 21, does not necessarily contradict an earlier report that found children who witnessed drama on TV were more likely to commit drama themselves.
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Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?

By Pharaoh Tutankhamun
September 10, 2008 | Issue 44•37

Tut

Well this stinks. I leave the realm of the living to roam the underworld for a few thousand years, return to my burial place to enjoy all my worldly possessions, and all of a sudden, everything is gone. Everything. The alabaster chalice, the cobra amulet, that gold vulture thing I've had since I was a baby—all of it, gone.

I don't understand how this could have happened. It was all right here. Everything I ever owned. Right here. I definitely remember there was a royal scepter leaning up against the outer sarcophagus, and there were a bunch of crowns and stuff, too. I know I had at least, like, 10 crowns. And—aw, they took my pendant with the beetle and monkeys on it. I loved that pendant. It's not even worth anything, but it was still like my favorite thing. Why in the world would someone do something like this?

This afterlife is going to stink.

And where did my statue of Anubis go? Do you know how hard it's going to be to find another three-foot-long wood carving of a recumbent jackal? It's going to be impossible, that's how hard it's going to be, because it was carved for me by my grandmother Queen Nefertiti, who last I checked died in 1330 B.C.

Now what am I supposed to do? All my shit, the necklaces, that weird lion vase, the gold daggers that I couldn't wait to use, gone. I have nothing to wear. I have nothing to do. I guess I'll just lie here on the floor for the rest of eternity.

Oh, but I see my wooden chest is still here. Too bad everything that was inside of it is gone. But thank goodness I still have my precious wooden chest. What would I ever do without my painted wooden chest with nothing inside of it? I see my bronze trumpet and golden throne are missing, though. Shocking. That's okay, I'll just entertain myself for the rest of time with this empty wooden chest. Who needs jewels and treasures anyway? No, this is much better.

I guess I should describe some of the stuff that's missing, in case anyone has seen it. It's pretty hard to miss. Pretty much everything is covered in gold. There was this bracelet I remember, which had an eye painted on it. There were these five gold rings, which I guess looked like regular gold rings, basically. I'm also missing this cool-looking statue that was like a snake with wings, but its head was a human head. So basically anything gold with animals and stuff is probably mine. And again, that pendant I mentioned earlier. It had a beetle on it with two monkeys, and they were holding hands or something, and they had moons and suns over their heads, and the beetle if I remember correctly was blue.

If anyone reading this has seen any of my stuff mentioned above, please return it to my tomb, located in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, immediately. Please, I seriously need this stuff back. Thank you.

Pharaoh Tutankhamun is an Egyptian king who ruled from 1333–1324 B.C. He can be reached at tutank1341@gmail.com.

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Well you can put pig on Sarah Palin's lips but that doesn't mean it's make up....

-Did I say that?




Saturday, September 6, 2008

Snope a' dope

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp
I wonder if Palin will be that "bastard that Kilkenny'd"?
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/family.asp
I know my kids voices...Their tone, their phrases....
http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/billbrown.asp
In the interest of being completely fair.



Ask me if I'm surprised?

I don't know if this is true yet and if I find out it isn't true I will take it off.
However, my opinion (and this is just my opinion) is that she to me seems like a mean, vindictive, coarse person; and that is just from watching her speak.
I mean, she's been talked about as being funny, but we've all met really funny people who in the long run, have been mean and vindictive.
Another thing I've noticed and this is just me....
I think she is five minutes away from being white trash.
Now I know there are people that say it's simply because I am not a republican and I'm a democrat, but I was raised in a republican home.
(I mean that my dad went with me to register to vote, because a) I wanted him to and b) he was up for re-election and when I asked him what party he said, "You're a republican."
I was eighteen, okay, back off people.)
Anyway, I told him after I moved away from home.
"Dad, I think I'm a democrat."
*SHOCK*
Well, I'm a conservative democrat, because there are republican things I believe, but I'm more democrat than republican...Because I think government should work for people and not the other way around.
SO I read this trying to find out who was leading in the poles and I was like, "Well, ask me if I'm surprised?" I mean if it's true, I'm not surprised.

Alaskans Speak (In A Frightened Whisper): Palin Is "Racist, Sexist, Vindictive, And Mean"

September 5, 2008

by Charley James –


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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Lots of Onion

New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars

September 3, 2008 | Issue 44•36


DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office introduced a new marketing strategy for select locations Tuesday that involves their employees standing outside the restaurant and hurling themselves onto the hoods of passing cars while shouting the day's special offers. "In today's media-saturated world, the key is getting the customer's attention," market analyst Jodi Baer said. "Darting out into the street, leaping in front of a speeding car, and quickly screaming 'One large 14-inch pizza plus an order of Crazy Bread for just $10.99!' before smashing through the windshield accomplishes that goal." This replaces the company's previous outside-the-box marketing campaign, in which employees strapped 15 pounds of explosives to their chests and screamed "Pizza! Pizza!" before blowing themselves up in a crowded marketplace.

Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive

By Paul Hale
September 3, 2008 | Issue 44•36

Paul Hale

Every part of my body is tingling with excitement right now.

I just got back from the supermarket. It was a crowded Saturday, and there was barely any room to move my cart. Suddenly, without warning, an urge rose up inside me. "No," I told myself, "I only came here to get a few things for dinner and go home." But there was no use trying to fight it. Before I knew it, I was leaving my cart in the middle of the cereal aisle to check out the price of birthday candles two aisles over, and when I returned, people were backed up on either side of my abandoned cart, conducting an elaborate ballet, weaving in and out to make it past.

Oh, sweet Mother Mary, what a rush! Nothing gets the blood pumping quite like making the daily interactions of those around me a little more frustrating.

And once I start, I can't stop. Seeing the annoyed looks on their faces, it's like a drug, or an adrenaline rush, or—God, yes—standing still at the top of an escalator. When I got to the cashier, I decided that I'd had a change of heart on some items, so I had her deduct a canned ham and a box of frozen fish sticks. I could feel the eyes of every single person in line behind me as I dug through my pockets for the exact change. And when the print on the receipt came out too light, I made her change the ink roll, causing a three-minute delay while she dismantled the cash register.

Just watching her sigh and rub her temples as she called her manager will be enough to get me through the week.

I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself. When I'm inconveniencing people, it's like I'm a newborn babe seeing the world for the first time. Everything seems better: the color of the green light I won't go through until five seconds after it's changed; the smell of the food I've sent back on a busy night because it wasn't prepared to my exact specifications, which I never bothered to voice to the waiter; the sound of my alarm going off every 10 minutes for two hours straight while my roommates are trying to sleep. It all becomes so vivid, so alive, and every loud, wheezy breath I take next to the coworker who shares my cubicle seems sweeter than the last.

Why, even the simple act of buying coffee in the morning can bring the sound of bells to my ears. From the moment I step up to the counter with my headphones on, lost in my own little world, making the cashier ask three times if she can help me before I place my order for a half-caf skim latte with a shot of vanilla, but not too much vanilla like they did last time, and just one ice cube please, so it's not too hot—it's like a whole new day.

But, oh man, I haven't even begun, because when she rings me up for my $2.85 coffee, you bet your sweet ass I'll try and pay with a credit card, which will invariably cause a long discussion about how they don't accept credit cards for purchases under $10. Then, I'll carefully but loudly explain to her that denying me use of my credit card is against the law. She'll rebuff me and I'll insist that I'm right, citing a number of pertinent laws and ordinances. She'll get her manager, who will have to stop what he's doing in order to escort me out of the store, but it won't matter.

I'll already have gotten what I wanted.

When they push me towards the exit, I'll loudly proclaim that I have never been treated so poorly in my life and vow never to return, only to savor the delicious look of revulsion and anger on their faces when I come back the very next day. That is, if I'm not up all night not RSVPing to the six weddings I'll nonetheless attend unannounced with a couple of friends.

Every blessed second I spend walking slow and stopping abruptly on a busy sidewalk, getting into arguments with bus drivers, or tying my shoe in a doorway brings with it a sense of power. I find needlessly bothering those around me to be better than sex—even the loud sex I used to have in college while my roommate was trying to sleep only six feet away, pressing a pillow against the side of his head in a desperate attempt to block out the unnatural sounds of my animal rutting.

But without a doubt, the very best, the most wondrous of all sensations is that spine- tingling jolt that grips the body when you begin telling a story no one wanted to hear in the first place, and then, just when it gets to the most important part.


Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

Researchers have found that flies are hard to swat because they are able to calculate an escape route within milliseconds of spotting a threat. What do you think?

Young Woman

Andie Pompillio,
Gate Clerk
"That's why I always become friends with the fly. Then they never see it coming."

Black Man

Arik Svedman,
Systems Analyst
"Sometimes I feel like I hear their tiny little laughter. Did the researchers say anything about that?"

Young Man

Milt Carey,
Recycling Yard Worker
"I wish I had that. Instead, I always get punched in the back of the head while I'm trying to run away."




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By Dirigo:


Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Mexico...

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