Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets
WASHINGTON—With oil prices hitting record levels, the United States Air Force announced today that it has begun selling passenger tickets on all flights operated by its Air Force One fleet in order to maintain the service as a "feasible enterprise."
Passengers can purchase their tickets online or through Condoleezza Rice.
"It no longer makes sense financially to let one passenger dictate when and where we travel," acting Secretary of the Air Force Michael Donley said in a press conference at the Pentagon, the Air Force's corporate headquarters in Arlington, VA. "We've got a big plane here, and there's no reason we shouldn't be filling it."
Air Force One has been in operation since 1943. Like other "legacy carriers," it had trouble remaining solvent following industry deregulation in 1978, but the service was able to stay afloat thanks to increased summit travel to the Middle East through the early 1980s. Now, however, as costs continue to skyrocket, Air Force One has been forced to make changes to survive in the current economic climate.
"We've made some major changes to Air Force One in order to reflect our new emphasis on customer service," said Air Force chief of staff Gen. T. Michael Moseley. "On each aircraft, the conference room, office, workout room, bedroom, and war room have been gutted and replaced with narrow rows and plush seats to accommodate additional passengers. Our former private chef service has been replaced by carts of drinks and economically priced prepackaged snacks. Even the escape hatch, originally designed for sneaking away from Kazakh hijackers but never used, has been converted into luggage storage."
Air Force One Air has begun running its ads in local newspapers and Pennysavers in the D.C. Metro area.
As a final cost-cutting measure, Moseley added, legroom was reduced by approximately 3,400 square feet.
In addition to retooling the interior, the Air Force has also instituted new fees to stay competitive and cut costs. Passengers bringing extra luggage items on board, such as fishing gear or a Scottish terrier, will be subject to a fee of $25. Nonalcoholic beer, the most popular beverage on Air Force One for most of the past decade, is no longer free, but sold at $3 a bottle. Customers, however, can now choose to pay $98 a year to skip the hassle of going through the security measures required on standard carriers.
The struggling airline sold its first passenger seats for a trial flight last month from Washington to Ottawa.
Although the flight typically lasts no more than two hours, to ensure a full aircraft, additional stops were scheduled in Louisville, Kansas City, Omaha, Des Moines, Chicago, Lansing, Detroit, a top-secret international conference in Kuwait, and Toronto. Further delays ensued when high air-traffic congestion slowed scheduled departures from Omaha and Toronto, and security measures—implemented by the Secret Service due to a last-minute CIA intelligence brief—resulted in an Indianapolis stop being canceled altogether. The airplane finally landed in Ottawa 27 hours after departing Washington.
Passengers thus far have had mixed reactions to flying with Air Force One. "It was pretty much what you'd expect from any airline, though we had to stop over in Kyoto, Japan for some reason," said Liz Silvius, 44, of McLean, VA, who was traveling with her family on a trip to Orlando. "And the in-flight movie was a State Department briefing on the North Korean nuclear threat. Not to mention that the guy sitting behind me wouldn't shut up about all the brush he cleared at his ranch."
One Washington resident and Air Force One frequent flyer, however, was unhappy. The 62-year-old government employee, who neglected to give his name, said he has used the airline for all his business trips since 2001 and "never had a problem before," but was surprised by the changes made under the new system. After 14 stops, he said, the Boeing 747 finally arrived at his destination city, where friends had been waiting seven hours to pick him up for the treaty signing they were attending.
"I've flown with [Air Force One] for a long time, but next time I may have to go on the Internet and see what else is out there," he said. "The government really needs to step in and do something about the fuel crisis in this country before it really gets out of hand."
Sources report that the Air Force considered selling passenger tickets on Air Force Two as well, but Vice President Cheney decided it was unnecessary. 
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Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors
MSNBC has removed Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann from anchor duties during coverage of the presidential campaign. What do you think?
Robin Zucker,
Systems Analyst
"I'm sure they're okay with it. They've said their piece about politics."
Carl Dunn,
Driver
"Although I like Matthews and Olbermann, I think it's a good idea to let some older, more experienced anchors interrupt people."
Woody Laskin,
Porter
"This is the biggest upheaval at MSNBC since it dropped issues from its political coverage."
More American Voices
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Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers
EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.
The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.
Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.
"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone."
Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.
"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.
The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.
Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.
"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."
The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.
Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.
Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama
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Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?
Well this stinks. I leave the realm of the living to roam the underworld for a few thousand years, return to my burial place to enjoy all my worldly possessions, and all of a sudden, everything is gone. Everything. The alabaster chalice, the cobra amulet, that gold vulture thing I've had since I was a baby—all of it, gone.
I don't understand how this could have happened. It was all right here. Everything I ever owned. Right here. I definitely remember there was a royal scepter leaning up against the outer sarcophagus, and there were a bunch of crowns and stuff, too. I know I had at least, like, 10 crowns. And—aw, they took my pendant with the beetle and monkeys on it. I loved that pendant. It's not even worth anything, but it was still like my favorite thing. Why in the world would someone do something like this?
This afterlife is going to stink.
And where did my statue of Anubis go? Do you know how hard it's going to be to find another three-foot-long wood carving of a recumbent jackal? It's going to be impossible, that's how hard it's going to be, because it was carved for me by my grandmother Queen Nefertiti, who last I checked died in 1330 B.C.
Now what am I supposed to do? All my shit, the necklaces, that weird lion vase, the gold daggers that I couldn't wait to use, gone. I have nothing to wear. I have nothing to do. I guess I'll just lie here on the floor for the rest of eternity.
Oh, but I see my wooden chest is still here. Too bad everything that was inside of it is gone. But thank goodness I still have my precious wooden chest. What would I ever do without my painted wooden chest with nothing inside of it? I see my bronze trumpet and golden throne are missing, though. Shocking. That's okay, I'll just entertain myself for the rest of time with this empty wooden chest. Who needs jewels and treasures anyway? No, this is much better.
I guess I should describe some of the stuff that's missing, in case anyone has seen it. It's pretty hard to miss. Pretty much everything is covered in gold. There was this bracelet I remember, which had an eye painted on it. There were these five gold rings, which I guess looked like regular gold rings, basically. I'm also missing this cool-looking statue that was like a snake with wings, but its head was a human head. So basically anything gold with animals and stuff is probably mine. And again, that pendant I mentioned earlier. It had a beetle on it with two monkeys, and they were holding hands or something, and they had moons and suns over their heads, and the beetle if I remember correctly was blue.
If anyone reading this has seen any of my stuff mentioned above, please return it to my tomb, located in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, immediately. Please, I seriously need this stuff back. Thank you.
Pharaoh Tutankhamun is an Egyptian king who ruled from 1333–1324 B.C. He can be reached at tutank1341@gmail.com.
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Well you can put pig on Sarah Palin's lips but that doesn't mean it's make up....
-Did I say that?
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