'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat
Sen. Clinton scans the Senate floor, passing the time eating Cheetos and wishing for better things.
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WASHINGTON— In a blatant show of disgust and indifference toward her senatorial duties, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) repeatedly yelled "boring" from her seat Wednesday, interrupting New Mexico senator Jeff Bingaman's speech in support of S. 3125, a bill that would extend certain expiring provisions of the Internal Tax Revenue Code of 1986.
Clinton's declaration of boredom and the various iterations that followed—including shouts of "Bored," "I'm bored," "This is stupid," "This is boring," and "I'm so bored"—were not reportedly targeted at one person in particular but at the entire assembly. According to those senators present, Clinton delivered her unprompted remarks while she slouched in her chair, rested her head atop the back of her seat, and fixed her eyes on the Senate Chamber's ceiling.
"Shut up," a visibly exasperated Clinton said in a forceful monotone when Sen. Bingaman attempted to resume his speech. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."
"Stop being boring," Clinton added. "Why can't we do something fun for a change, like run for president?"
Despite suggestions from nearby legislators that she keep her voice down, Clinton once again interrupted Bingaman before the conclusion of his speech when she began a slow, exaggerated clap for her colleague in an apparent attempt to get him to leave the podium. When Bingaman tried to speak above the clapping, Clinton addressed him with pointed sarcasm, saying, "Great speech, Jeff. Just great. Really brought the house down."
Clinton then reportedly asked the senator seated next to her, "How long do these things go?" and spent the next 45 minutes slowly rubbing her temples.
Although her fellow lawmakers admitted they were startled by Clinton's most recent outburst, they were not surprised. The disruption, one senator said, follows a pattern of rude behavior that began in June, when Clinton returned to the Senate after a narrow loss in the Democratic primaries.
During the first meeting she attended following her crushing defeat, Clinton greeted the 99 other senators by loudly declaring, "Ugh, kill me now." She then made what could be described as a "Yap, yap, yap" gesture with her right hand during the entirety of Sen. Harry Reid's (D-NV) introduction of bill S. 3268, an amendment to the Commodity Exchange Act.
Perhaps the most egregious example of Clinton's misbehavior, according to congressional records, came in July when the former presidential contender twirled her right index finger and stated "Whoop-de-doo" when Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) appeared on the Senate floor for the first time since undergoing surgery for brain cancer.
"We understand that Sen. Clinton is going through a difficult adjustment right now," Reid told reporters. "But at some point she is going to have to stop blurting out 'sucks' after each person's name is called during roll."
Reid went on to confirm reports that Clinton has taken to arriving an hour late to all meetings, most often wearing pajama bottoms and an oversized Late Show With David Letterman T-shirt.
However, many of Clinton's fellow senators said they do not mind her tardiness, noting that she is actually more of a disturbance when she arrives on time. One anonymous Wisconsin senator told reporters that Clinton has been known to deliver a sustained, audible sigh while President Pro Tempore Robert Byrd calls the meeting to order; frequently votes by letting out an extended belch; repeats the title of every bill in a high-pitched, mocking tone; and, once, after her disruptions caused the former first lady to be escorted out of the Capitol, raised both middle fingers in the air and proposed that the entire Senate go fuck itself.
"Yesterday I spoke to [Clinton] about the reauthorization of the Higher Education Act, a bill she used to be very passionate about," Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) said. "She pretended to fall asleep while I was speaking, started fake snoring, woke up, and said, 'I'm sorry, Tom, were you saying something?'"
"She's worse than Kerry was in 2004," added Harkin, referring to Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), who, after his loss in the presidential election, spent the remainder of the congressional year seated in the back of the chamber, trying to master "Rocky Raccoon" on his guitar.
Despite receiving several verbal warnings, Clinton has shown no signs of amending her behavior. As chair of the Subcommittee on Superfund and Environmental Health, the senator is expected to resume her duties tomorrow by banging a gavel in front of a silent audience for approximately 10 straight minutes and leaving for lunch. 
Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance
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DENVER—After years of battling crippling premiums and agonizing deductibles, local resident Michael Haige finally succumbed this week to the health insurance policy that had ravaged his adult life.
A healthy Michael Haige and his wife, six months before his courageous struggle with health insurance began.
Haige, who had suffered from limited medical coverage for nearly a decade, passed away early Monday morning. According to sources, the 46-year-old was laid to rest at Fairplains cemetery, surrounded by friends, family members, and more than $300,000 of mounting debt.
"I miss Michael every single day, but at least he can finally rest now," said Sheila Haige, who watched as insurance rates ate away at her husband over time. "What Michael went through, the humiliating forms, the invasive background checks, the complete loss of dignity and hope—I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on anyone."
Once a healthy and happy father of two, Haige saw his life forever change seven years ago when health insurance professionals diagnosed him with a preexisting condition. As months passed and his line of credit continued to deteriorate, the former high school football coach would experience excruciating headaches and bouts of nausea every time another hospital bill arrived.
"My dad always seemed invincible, like there was nothing in the world that could hurt him," son Ryan Haige said. "But then, one night, I found him bent over a stack of UB-92 and HCFA forms, and he was crying. I'd never seen my father look so scared in all my life."
Added Ryan, "Making those payments each month—it was killing him."
While family members refused to look at Haige's insurance plan as a death sentence, it soon became clear that their loved one was facing the biggest fight of his life. Countless visits to doctors, claims adjusters, and loan officers proved futile, with Haige being told at every turn that his case was hopeless.
"They said there was nothing they could do for him, that modern medicine was powerless against this monster," Sheila Haige said. "Still, Michael never gave up. He kept saying that he was going to beat the odds, that he was going to find some way to get coverage."
According to an independent study released last month by the Mayo Clinic, health insurance is the nation's No. 2 cause of death, claiming the lives of some 400,000 Americans each year. A silent killer, health insurance often strikes without warning, its harmful and profit-based policies avoiding detection until it is far too late. Although the cruel bureaucratic disorder does not discriminate, statistics have shown that senior citizens, young dependents, and those woefully underemployed are most at risk.
"I can't tell you the number of patients I've had to deliver the bad news to over the years," said Haige's longtime family physician, Dr. Howard Silverman. "It's never easy to look someone in the eye and tell them it's going to have to be out-of-pocket. For most of these poor people, prayer is the only hope."
Toward the end of Haige's seven-year ordeal, family members said, the once loving husband and father had become an empty husk of his former self.
"I remember the last thing he ever said to me," said eldest son Mark Haige, holding a small picture of his father during happier times, before the endless battery of co-pays began. "He took my hand in his, and he said, 'Son, promise me you'll never sign up for a high-deductible, network-model HMO.'"
While still angry and in shock over Michael's premature passing, Sheila and her two children say the whole experience has taught them the importance of family.
"If Dad were still with us, I know he would want us to be here, at home, supporting Mom," Mark Haige said. "She really hasn't been doing so well ever since Bankers Life and Casualty denied her life insurance claim."
Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet
STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of area man Dwight Seidl's television cord to a nearby wall outlet. "The sole function I required of this incompetent [extension cord] was to provide a connection between my TV power adaptor and the AC current in that outlet. Sadly, it was completely unable to perform even this simple task," Seidl, who purchased the orange Black & Decker multi-socket extension cord that afternoon, told members of the media during a heated press conference. "I stand by my earlier claims that the cord is a son of a piece." The extension cord's misstep has reportedly taken some heat off a much-maligned one-inch piece of Scotch tape, which Seidl has twice blasted for failing to hold up his wall calendar.
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Renee Kaplan,
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''Is this the least convoluted example of sexism they could find?''
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''Good to know. Next time I'm angling for a raise, I'll be sure to compliment my boss on her tits.''
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"I'm fine with egalitarian men earning equal pay, I just don't think they should be allowed to marry or join the military."
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