Bush Calls For Panic
WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman, and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter panic.
President Bush addresses the nation shortly before shaving his head and soaking the Oval Office in his own urine.
Speaking from the Oval Office, Bush assured citizens that in these times of great uncertainty, the best and only course of action is to come under the throes of a sudden, overwhelming fear marked by hysterical or irrational behavior.
"My fellow Americans, the time for running aimlessly through streets while shrieking and waving our arms above our heads is now," Bush said. "I understand that many of you are worried about your economic future and our situation overseas, and you have every right to be. Yet there is only one thing we as a nation can do in times like these: give up all hope and devolve into a lawless, post-apocalyptic, every-man-for-himself society."
"For those of you who have remained resolute in your belief that things will turn around eventually, I urge you to close your eyes, take shallow rapid breaths, and begin freaking out immediately," Bush added. "At this point, anyone who isn't scared to death needs to wake the heck up—because we're screwed here."
The Department of Homeland Security's website provides information for Americans not currently losing their shit. Read More
The president then picked up the telephone from his desk and hurled it through the Oval Office window.
During the address, Bush laid out a historic five-point plan for panic that he hopes will help the American people fall apart as quickly as possible. The plan—which many are calling Bush's most well-thought-out proposal to date—calls for citizens to abandon their daily routines entirely, and engage in a weeklong period of bloodcurdling screaming, arm flailing, dry heaving, and gnawing on one's fingers while rocking back and forth in alternating bouts of maniacal laughter and gentle sobbing.
Under the new bill, Americans are also advised to withdraw all their money from U.S. banks and the stock market, place it in a Maxwell House coffee tin, and bury it in a safe place in their backyard. In addition, Bush has urged the legalization of Americans trampling one another in a mad rush to compete for the nation's dwindling resources, and proposed allocating $3 billion toward a program that would give every citizen a gun and a bottle of 140-proof whiskey.
The final part of the plan calls for the immediate release of all convicted felons and death-row inmates from the nation's prisons.
Immediately after Congress approves his plan, the president said he will order multiple B-2 stealth bombers to fly over America's cities at low altitude. The resulting sonic boom, Bush said, will set off all car alarms and cause all babies to cry uncontrollably, which he believes will promote a real sense of chaos throughout the nation. In addition, Bush intends to release 50 live cobras into the Senate chamber.
"I realize this is a difficult vote for members of Congress, but at this critical time in our nation's history, it is imperative that we not sit back and pretend like everything is fine, because everything's not fine, it's just not," Bush said. "Even if Congress fails to act, I still intend to do what is right and lead this country into mass hysteria by acting outside the framework of the U.S. Constitution, overriding the entire democratic process, and setting the Lincoln Memorial on fire."
Early reactions on Capitol Hill to Bush's call for panic have thus far been positive. Leading House Republicans and Democrats said they appreciate the president's candor, and will encourage their constituents to comply with Bush's request to "find something and smash it with all of their strength."
"For most of the day tomorrow, I intend to do my part by remaining in my boarded-up home and getting worked up about our standing in the world," Pacoima, CA resident Harold Miller said. "And then at night, I plan to lie awake in my bed and be scared to death about the loss of my job, pension, and retirement fund. Then I plan to run out into the streets in my bathrobe and shout that the End of Days is coming."
Bush told Americans that if at any point they catch themselves feeling even slightly at ease, they should remind themselves that, in the end, everything is going to be completely pooched. 
--
British Corpses Piling Up
British undertakers are refusing to bury the dead until bereaved families receive delayed government support payments. What do you think?
Diana Rusk,
Provost
"I really would have thought the work was its own reward for those guys."
Alan Ballard,
Systems Analyst
"Give some Irishman a shovel and he'll probably do it just for the opportunity to punch a British corpse in the face a couple times."
Thomas Wilson,
Ghost
"I've actually been dead for two months, and this is my ghost talking. Bury me so I can move on!"
_
900-Pound Giant Squid Joins Cast Of 'The View'
Ask me if I'm surprised....Related Media
-
Onion News Network:
Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography March 26, 2008 -
Onion News Network:
Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards December 5, 2007
NEW YORK—The View, a daytime talk show featuring a panel of women who discuss current events and topical issues, has found its newest cohost—a 53-foot-long giant squid.
The sea creature squares off against Whoopi in a heated round of Hot Topics.
"We feel that the squid brings a fresh new point of view to the program," said View executive producer and host Barbara Walters. "We looked at hundreds of potential candidates, but in the end, this rare and exotic creature from the darkest depths of the sea truly stood out."
"And as far as we can tell, it is a female," Walters added.
The 900-pound cephalopod from the family Architeuthidae joins cohosts Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Sherri Shepherd. Like many past hosts, who have come from such diverse backgrounds as law, stand-up comedy, and local news, the squid was a virtual unknown before joining the cast. Plucking it from relative obscurity, producers discovered the squid 26,000 feet below sea level in the Mariana Trench and said to themselves, "This is the perspective the show has been lacking."
In recent weeks, the squid has graced the covers of Elle, People, and TV Guide.
"After the squid's years spent dwelling on the ocean floor, I think viewers will be interested to hear its take on the hustle and bustle lifestyle of New York City," said ABC programming director Cyndi DeHart. "And personally, I can't wait to see how the squid interacts with Whoopi. Watch out!"
"This sassy cephalopod takes no prisoners," she added.
In its debut on the show, the marine life form was very animated, thrashing wildly and whipping its clawed tentacles across the studio during a heated debate about the Iraq War. Since then, however, the squid has been quiet and largely motionless. Many critics say the squid's reserved nature provides the perfect contrast to the louder, more opinionated cohosts such as Goldberg, Behar, and Hasselbeck.
According to fans of the show, the squid's most memorable moment thus far occurred last week, when it got a little testy during a discussion on whether teenage girls are getting "too sexy too soon" and squirted 12 gallons of ink onto Sherri Shepherd. The antic was met with laughter and applause from the studio audience.
"That was the moment this squid became a star," said View co-executive producer Bill Geddie, who has already booked the multi-tentacled mollusk on The Tonight Show and Live With Regis And Kelly, and has laid the groundwork on a deal for it to take over hosting duties of the syndicated version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in 2010.
In addition, the squid has already netted its own weekly segment on The View, "The Giant Squid's Gourmet Corner," which features quick and easy culinary tips for viewers at home.
Fan reaction to the giant aquatic invertebrate has been mostly positive. A recent ABC poll claims that the squid is connecting well with housewives and single mothers over 35.
"I like the squid," said Chicago resident Anna Herskowitz, 46. "I really relate to it. More than I relate to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, anyway."
Some viewers, however, have complained that the squid is too conservative. During an interview last week with Republican presidential candidate John McCain, the squid sat silently sprawled across the center of the studio and didn't ask the senator a single hard-hitting question.
"That squid is there for one reason, and that's to push its right-wing conservative agenda," Denver, CO viewer Mary Foley said. "Come on, give us viewers a little credit here."
Critics have also noticed some tension between the squid and the rest of the cast. The squid has been known to start arguments with Behar by wrapping one of its 27-foot tentacles around Behar's torso, lifting her into the air, and drawing her toward its powerful beak. The producers, however, say that such spur-of-the-moment conflict is what makes The View what it is, and that the attack was not personal.
In an interview last Friday, Behar voiced her support of the creature.
"We might argue on set—I might jokingly call the squid 'disgusting' or 'decomposing' or 'stupid,' and poke fun at its awful stench, and it might sometimes try to shred my body with its razor-sharp radula—but once the show is over, we're all friends," Behar said. "The squid even came to my daughter's piano recital."
According to a network insider, the squid is planning an emotional segment that will air next Wednesday in which it reveals that it has breast cancer.
_
'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet
CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the "I Am Under 18" button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. "I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life," said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. "I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on the internet, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let's face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content." Moments later, Kinley's friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the "I Am Over 18" button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him.
_
.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.
They're losing. Drowning in their own frailties...Ensnared in their own inadequacies, frightened of they're own powerlessness, the establishment begins to crumble and so the desperate smearing begins....It can't be Nov.5th fast enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment