Love Jokes

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

 

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If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

 

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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

 

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A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

 

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

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Let's go out to the lobby.....Okay? Maybe not.

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Mary Ann was feeling pretty Merry...

Gilligan's Island Star: The pot wasn't mine!

Posted by Alexandra Manzano, The Oregonian March 21, 2008 13:55PM

Categories: Celebrity

"Mary Ann" of Gilligan's Island says the pot wasn't hers

Former Gillian's Island star Dawn Wells - who was arrested last October after police found half-smoked joints on her - says the pot wasn't hers.

In an interview with Fox News Friday, Wells, 69 - who played "Mary Ann" on the hit 1960s show - said she was driving home from a party in a company vehicle when she couldn't get the heater to work.

"I couldn't find the controls, and I was weaving, and what a mistake," she said.

Wells said police then pulled her over, and she confessed she had downed two cocktails.

The officer did "some kind of test with me," Wells said, but "didn't give me a breathalyzer, and then he asked me if he could search the car, and I said 'Sure, go ahead.'"

The officer "discovered marijuana," Wells said. "I didn't know it was there. I would never have said 'go ahead and search the car.'¤"

Wells' lawyer said that within a few days, they learned the drugs belonged to a man who had the car before her. He came forward and identified himself and agreed to take responsibility.

Wells was given a standard sentence for reckless driving and was sentenced to 5 days in jail and 6 months' unsupervised probation.The plea was an agreement with prosecutors in which the 3 misdemeanor counts - driving under the influence, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance - were dropped, according to the Associated Press.

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More Snopes....

Ooops! Wrong Child...
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/switched.asp

Best Buy's 15% restocking fee?
http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/restock.asp

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Iowa Tornado?
http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/iowatornado.asp

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Stolen License's allow theives to steal gasoline
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/autos/gastheft.asp

Iceberg Candy
http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/stripedicebergs.asp

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A different thing in the distance

My girlfriend and I were talking about the ridiculousness of people. We were driving from White Cloud Michigan, to Mt.Pleasant…Via back roads…Like there was any other way to get from White Cloud, Hesperia or any other place like that in Michigan- any other way.

We talked about the ridiculousness of people and how stupid it was that there were these people in our lives from the city who would go on and on about seeing deer in the country….

"OH LOOK! A DEER!"

To us it looks like the 3,542 deer we've seen in the past year.

We talked about the absurdity of people taking pictures of livestock on vacation…Like they've never seen sheep before…

That's when the bear crossed in front of us….

He trotted across casually like bear don't and like a man that has been forced to run on all fours in a bear suit does…That's why it completely threw us.

....And this is how badly it threw us…

It was like "Thing one" had just run in front of the car…and we were waiting for "Thing two" to also run across the street so we could verify that "Thing one" was indeed what we saw, because, of course, "Thing two" had just jolted across the same street shortly after….So we weren't seeing illusions however we were seeing "Things"…

We hadn't been drinking, smoking, or eating brownies of unknown origin.

The hell?

But after a good fifteen minutes-after we bandied it back and forth, we decided it was a bear and indeed it had crossed in front of her car and of course….High fives all around because we've lived here all our adult lives and never seen one.

Then we started the realization that we are indeed like those humble souls who see the deer, but of course, we are on a higher and somewhat grittier level…Having been seasoned on the abundant wild life chewing on the flora and fauna that we have planted in our respective front yards.

All in all, it was a good thing…Simply because it helped us get the picture.

We're silly buggers just like the rest of the human race…Running to see the shiny, weird, or different thing in the distance.

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God picks up the spare in Kansas.

House Untouched In Tornado, Struck By Lightning Catches Fire

This story is nearly too ironic to believe, one house on Amherst was the only untouched on the entire block in the tornado, Wednesday morning it was struck by lightning and went up in flames.

You can say the Tindall family were the lucky ones last last Wednesday night.

"It's my understanding there was no damage to their house, I think they lost a cushion from their patio furniture," family friend Jennifer Walker said.

In fact the Tindall's have been giving of their time all week.

"They have been so involved in all the work that has been going on in Manhattan the last couple days by helping other families out."

Now those families are reaching out to them. Just after 1AM Wednesday morning they heard the crack of the lightning as is struck the roof of their home.

"She was like Mark I think the lightning hit our house, about that time is when the lights went off in the hallway. The room was already full of smoke she said she could see the bottom of the crib, but that quick smoke had already filled the room."

"They're just lucky, so lucky. The fire looks as though it was very close to the girls rooms."

Jennifer says when she thinks of how ironic it is she finds words hard to come by, "I don't know honestly I don't know what to think about it. I've had those thoughts going through my head today and I'm just glad they are okay.

Jennifer Tindall didn't want to speak on camera, obviously a long night for her. She did say they will be okay and are just fortunate their family is safe. Through it all, they still consider themselves lucky.

The Tindall's have been living in their home for three years now; they say they will rebuild.

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That'd be us you know...

"Hey, the Tornado missed-"
*CRACK*
"....the house"




"......Shoot!"
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This is really funny and is sent to me by my friend Eric Borer

The Letter in the Pond

http://www.thatcanadiangirl.co.uk/blog/2008/05/30/the-letter-in-the-pond/
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It's funny and creepy...
Have at it.

Strange but Funny Joke

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

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