Glitters cap board party

Zee:
Judas, dude, will you calm down? Look at yourself!
TheDiva:
Jack Gilford!
AlexGariepy:
So, it's like R2-D2, then.
Indomitus:
"And now it's starting to move back and forth... Why, it's... OH MUTHER OF TODD!!"

Glitters cap board party

AlexGariepy:
"Okay."
*shoots Spock directly in the head*
Enapov:
Not at me you ASS!
TheDiva:
As opposed to, you know, aiming erratically.
Mattteus:
I know how to aim directly but how do I aim fire?

Smells like Onion in here!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75279
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Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided

March 3, 2008 | Issue 44•10

NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage at "all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November.

"Usually I know well in advance who I want to win," the Bronx resident said while assembling his M40 United States Marine Corp standard-issue sniper rifle. "But there are just too many good choices—a black man, a woman, and a war hero who frequently advocates sending my brothers straight back into death's cold embrace."

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"This would be so much easier if [John] Edwards was still running," Seaver added. "He has such a nice smile and the angels told me through the radio that he must be destroyed."

According to a CBS News /New York Times poll, Seaver is not alone. Of the nearly 600 undecided assassins who responded to the poll, 37 percent said they strongly favor either Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) or Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) to win. Nearly 22 percent reported that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) would be an excellent choice based on such key factors as his immobility, his inability to raise his arms above his head to shield his face, and his stance on campaign-finance reform. The remaining 40 percent responded that, due to growing disillusionment with the voting system and unsatisfying platforms from all the frontrunners, they would be happy to shoot any one of the candidates through the chest and throat from an abandoned factory.

One assassin told pollsters that he is still hopeful that Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) will be elected in November. However, even if Paul fails to win the presidency, the respondent fully intends to carry out his plans to stab Paul to death in December.

While a majority of the nation's assassins remain uncommitted, some political analysts believe they have begun leaning toward a candidate. Clinton remains a favorite among white assassins over 50 and a small but loyal commune of supporters hiding out in rural Colorado. But some speculate that Obama may be able to surpass her with his cross-demographic appeal.

"Barack Obama is the most charismatic leader we've seen since John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy—even Martin Luther King, Jr. for that matter," said 47-year-old mail clerk David Silas Weiss, who spoke with a pronounced stutter. "When someone like him is able to capture the hearts and minds of an entire generation so much so that their untimely passing would cause a nationwide decay of youthful idealism—well, it's our responsibility as informed voters to splatter his brains all over the place."

Weiss went on to say he believes Obama is the "only candidate out there" whose death can consummate his blood-marriage to actress Christina Ricci.

Though the prospect of a brief Obama White House is attractive to many assassins, NBC political analyst Andrea Mitchell has predicted that the historical significance of electing and then assassinating the first female president could be this year's unifying issue among the group. She also projected that Sen. John McCain's poll numbers would slip during the general campaign as more and more trained killers become better acquainted with the nominee.

"Historically, assassins vote for the candidate whose death is capable of plunging the nation into a crippling malaise," Mitchell said. "With that said, McCain really doesn't have a chance in November. However, this voting bloc is extremely volatile. Even after all the ballots are cast and there's a new president in the White House, it's nearly impossible to tell what is going through their heads."

At least one voter has made his decision. Gerald W.P. Krepps, a 32-year-old librarian from Orlando, FL, said he respects McCain's strong convictions and can tell the senator is doing his best to reach out to the nation's assassins.

"McCain doesn't skirt around the issues or avoid controversial topics," Krepps said. "He's said in no uncertain terms that he has a decisive plan to win the war in Iraq and promises to hold still during all public speaking engagements."

Added Krepps, "It's all right there in the first and fourth letters of every third word of his speech transcripts."

Though plenty of time remains, the primaries have proved that all the candidates can inspire a record turnout among a demographic that typically prefers to stay inside their dark, dank apartments. Clinton and Obama in particular continue to motivate a younger generation who, for the first time in their lives, are actually thinking about going out and registering an automatic weapon.

"Whether you are a 38-year-old man receiving instructions from television test patterns, a loner college student disillusioned with a morally bankrupt world, or a homeless woman caught up in blinding hysteria, I am counting on your support," Sen. Clinton said to a group of would-be assassin voters in Youngstown, OH last Sunday. "I will make this pledge each and every American: If you make me your president, even for just a few seconds, I will proudly let you blow my brains out."

____________________________________________________________________

Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There

March 5, 2008 | Issue 44•10

Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There

CRESSKILL, NJ—In news that has made you wonder why you ever even talk to that guy in the first place, David Krysh, that prick you can't stand, has announced his intentions to meet up with you at the Canyon Road Bar & Grill later tonight. Although you had intended for this outing to be restricted to people whose company you genuinely enjoy, the guy who is impossible to have a conversation with will be showing up at 8:00 p.m. and will sit right next to you. Krysh has also announced plans to bring along a few of his friends, including that one tall guy with the sweaty hands, a development you have classified as stinking wonderful.

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Act Now To Take Advantage Of My Lowered Standards

By Karen Lohtse
March 5, 2008 | Issue 44•10

Are you tired of all those other women who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before she gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!

Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment!

I've slashed my hopes for finding Mr. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your buddy's 4x4? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting!

It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexuality—absolutely free!

But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying!

How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 26-year-old figure and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for any woman under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of men could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do.

I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go!

Now, I know some women might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not Karen Lohtse on March 4 a half hour before closing time at Skeepers! I recently found out my ex-boyfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to you—the good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Back hair? One-bedroom apartment with roommate? No hablas inglés? If you've got a compliment about my eyes and a pulse, let's make a deal and get you inside me immediately.

I'm practically giving myself away!

How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes?

Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with.

________It's better with Onion___________________________

Make It Up To Country Somehow

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Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow

February 27, 2008 | Issue 44•09

WASHINGTON—Amid allegations that his thoughtless and insensitive decisions have damaged his relationship with the nation, President George W. Bush vowed Monday that he would, starting now, "make everything better."

"This time I'm serious," Bush said. "I am ready to make a fresh start if we can just put the past behind us. I promise."

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Bush swears that this time he's really going to pay attention to all 280 million U.S. citizens, and try to do right by them for once.

An estimated 35 million citizens listened to the president's televized remarks while silently crying behind locked bathroom doors.

Though Bush told all Americans they owed it to him to give him one more chance, he admitted that there was no excuse for his mishandling of national affairs.

"Things have just been so crazy at work lately," he said.

During the 14-minute address Bush acknowledged that he and the country had drifted apart. He accepted some of the blame, but stressed that it was partly the American people's fault, and went on to chide them for not giving him an opportunity to explain, not standing behind him, and failing to understand his "very real" need for unchecked executive authority.

"My job is stressful," Bush said. "Trust me, things will calm down in a few months once I don't have to deal with it anymore."

George W. Bush

The president, whose approval ratings have dropped steadily in recent years, said he had no idea how bad things had gotten until he found out that an overwhelming percentage of Americans didn't even bother responding to an opinion poll this month about his recent $3.1 trillion budget proposal.

Bush has since taken steps towards reconciliation with the American people, including promoting a promise to help alleviate the fiscal woes the U.S. has faced in recent months. Bush said he knew that the $300 he intended to give to every citizen "couldn't possibly make up for how [he has] governed," but nevertheless asked the nation to have faith in him.

"I know it's not much, but it's a start, right?" Bush said. "And it hasn't always been bad. Doesn't this remind you of that other $300 rebate I gave you in 2003? You always forget all the times I'm a really great president. We have really had some wonderful moments."

"Cut me some slack here, for Christ's sake," Bush continued. "I'm trying. I really am."

In addition to providing economic relief, Bush said he has taken other measures to strengthen his bond with the nation. According to the president, his newly proposed warrantless-wiretapping bill will greatly broaden the reach of his personal attention to the American people's needs and put him in a position to be more directly involved in their lives.

The president concluded by imploring the nation to help him rectify the situation, stressing that he always has America's best interests at heart but cannot be expected to improve things all by himself.

"You have to realize that everything I do, I do for you," Bush said. "Do you think I like denying health care to underprivileged children, or plunging the country deeper and deeper into debt? Well, I don't, and I hope someday you'll understand that. In the meantime, I'm asking the American people to try to meet me halfway on this."

Despite Bush's seemingly conciliatory stance, public response to Bush's promises has been frosty at best. Cato Institute policy scholar Brian Whitaker echoed the sentiments of many Americans, calling Bush's recent overtures "too little, too late."

"We want to believe that he's finally going to be the president we always wanted, but we've given him so many chances," Whitaker said. "I don't think we can handle another disappointment. Maybe it's time to realize that President Bush will never be the head of state we need him to be."

"Then again, maybe our expectations are unfair," Whitaker added. "He seemed so sincere this time. He wouldn't abuse his executive powers if he didn't care about us, right?"

Whitaker predicted that the nation will likely move forward and try to forget Bush, though it may be difficult for Americans to ever trust a president again. He said the current crop of presidential contenders offers little in the way of an alternative to Bush, but maintained that "at least Barack Obama listens to us."

Kitchen-Floor Conflict

Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag

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~~We the willing, led by the unknown, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful....Those ungrateful ones being mostly cats.~

This is where the party starts!

HI!
This is where I am going to begin an adventure in complete and utter silliness found on the net.
Mostly capping which is the product of writing captions under pictures and seeing who can be the most hilarious. With sometimes the most giggle worthy shit ever produced.

I have had sites before.

However, this site is more ...Shall we say...In keeping with my moral issues of my own soul.

I'm complicated.

Anywho, this is where the party starts...
Thanks for looking.

Peace out.