APHORISM

 

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH:

 

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter

Snoping out the news

http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/largestpool.asp
Makes you want to throw a tootsie roll in there doesn't it?

http://www.snopes.com/media/iftrue/obituary.asp
Not only can your children put you in a nursing home, they can affix your various faults and down falls in print after death.
So be nice!

http://www.snopes.com/photos/accident/windmill.asp
Um......YIKES!

♫ Onion ♫

Area Woman Will See Any Movie That Takes Place Between 1743 And 1919

August 20, 2008 | Issue 44•34

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• Bottom Of Barrel Dangerously Overscraped, Experts Warn March 17, 1999

JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—-Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will watch any period film set within a strict historical time frame of 1743 and 1919, sources reported Monday. "If there's a Gilded Age plantation house or a tilbury horse-drawn carriage in the trailer, you can be sure Lauren will be in the theater opening weekend," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "There's just something about the span of years between the War of Austrian Succession and the end of the Spanish influenza epidemic that sweeps her right off her feet." Although he has dutifully viewed more than a dozen films set in the Victorian era in the past year alone, Vernacini said his girlfriend has yet to watch any of his favorite films, with the exception of the 12 minutes of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure that feature Napoleon Bonaparte.

Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium

Many homeowners are having to remove their new countertops because the granite in them has been found to emit hazardous levels of radon. What do you think?

Sharon Kypke,
Horse Trainer
"I wondered why my Kenmore under-cupboard Geiger counter was going crazy."

Dick Jefferts,
Systems Analyst
"Get rid of my gorgeous granite countertops just because of some measly radiation emissions? I don't think so. From now on, it's daily potassium iodide tablets for me and my family."

Raul Parsons,
Security Guard
"It's really the kids I feel sorry for. Those spoiled, rotten kids

Oh, No! Dirt Bikes!

By A Dirt Bike Ramp
August 20, 2008 | Issue 44•34

Ah, isn't summer just wonderful? Why, I could lay here all day, surrounded by my little forest friends, and never tire!

Good morning, singing bluebirds! How are you today? Good morning, rustling leaves! Enjoying the cool breeze? Good morning, high-pitched revving of engines and frightening squealing of tires! What are your plans for this splendid—hey, hold on a second! You guys aren't my friends. You're…you're…. Oh, no! Please no! Stop, not again!

Gaahhhhh! Dirt bikes!

Okay, okay. You're okay now. Just a couple of minor scrapes, that's all. No need to panic. They're gone now. Those mean old dirt bikes won't bother you anymore. Why, the whole thing was probably just a big misunderstanding! Maybe they didn't even see you here. Yes, that's it—they probably didn't even notice you were in their way. After all, what have you ever done to those nasty dirt bikes that they'd want to run you over?

Now, where was I? Ah yes, back to counting the clouds. Hello, cloud number 54, you look like a…tree stump! Hello, cloud number 55, you look just like a…. Oh my, they appear to be coming back. To apologize this time, I'm sure. "Sorry, little dirt bike jump," they'll say. "We certainly hope you're not banged up too bad. Can you find it in your great big heart to forgive us?" Gee whiz, they must feel terrible, because they sure are coming in fast and—aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Not the face! Anything but the face! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Okay, that wasn't a mistake. That was most definitely on purpose this time. I think one of them was even laughing—as if he were having fun or something! What is this? Some kind of sick pastime to you people? Is this how you people get your kicks? You stupid imps! You dumb ignoramuses! Don't you brutes have anything better to do?

Argghhh! Unhand me, fools! Get off! GET OFF ME! Help, I can't breathe!

Oh, thank goodness—there are people coming. There's a crowd gathering! They'll save me! They'll stop these nitwits! Wait…why are you all cheering? No, don't encourage them! Stop applauding! Stop, I say! Can't you see I'm dying over here? Good gravy, is that…is that a video camera? You barbarians! Are you actually recording this?

And those children—you people brought your kids out to see this? While you're at it, there's a slaughterhouse a few miles down the road. Why don't you take your 8-year-olds there next? You despicable fiends! You contemptuous dunces! Shame on you! You should all be sent to the pillory!

I don't understand. Why me? What is it about me you people hate? Why do you feel the constant need to run me over? I'm just an innocent little dirt bike jump!

Stop, stop, no more! Look, can't we all just come to a friendly little agreement here? Can't we all just get al—ooooowww! Ow! Ow! Ow! Enough—enough! I surrender!

Oh now you've really done it. Just look at me! Tire tracks going every which way. Dirt all over the place. No wonder these dirt bikes have no respect for me. Heck, if I saw myself just lying there on the ground, like some pathetic mound of nothing, I'd probably even—HOLY MOTHER OF MERCY! MY BACK! OH DEAR LORD, MY BACK!

Wait a second, what's going on? Why is everybody so quiet all of a sudden? It looks like—yes!—he fell! He flipped and fell on his stupid head! Huzzah! En garde! Take that, rapscallion! Take that, you ugly troglodyte! That ought to teach you not to ruffle my feathers. Maybe now you'll think twice before…oh, my stars…that's…that's an awful lot of blood….

Umm, listen fellows. Heh heh. It was all just an accident, right? Just a tiny little goof? I mean, we were all having fun, and he was going oh so fast, and…. Guys? Guys?!?

NO, PLEASE! NOT THE AMBULANCE! DON'T DRIVE THE AMBULANCE OVER ME!
--

+*+_________________+*+__________+*+_________________+*+

If a picture paints a thousand words....

Then these should shut you up.

Courage "Nike"

Re: Santa is Fe- Maley

	I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...
	I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Insanitarium

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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