I have tea and coffee and some soft drinks....What would you like?

More from the THE DESK OF PETE YATES!
Just When You Thought You’d Heard of Everything London Times (AP) 2-11-09 -- Though India is recognized as a world leader in promoting the health benefits of urine, its dominance will be assured by the end of the year when a cow-urine-based soft drink comes to market. Om Prakash, chief of the Cow Protection Department of the RSS organization (India's largest Hindu nationalist group), trying to reassure a Times of London reporter in February, promised, "It won't smell like urine and will be tasty, too," noting that medicinal herbs would be added and toxins removed. In addition to improved health, he said, India needs a domestic (and especially Hindu) beverage to compete with the foreign influence of Coca-Cola and Pepsi.

This is clearly a new phase of terrorist activity and a very disturbing one

Mike Atherton

Global Warming protest....FROM THE DESK OF PETE YATES!

KILL ALL HUMANS! KILL ALL HUMANS! KILL ALL HUMANS!

*•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•**•-:|:-•:*'''''*:•-:|:-•*

~If winter bites not with its mouth, it lashes with its tail. - John Holmes Agnew, Walter Hilliard Bidwell (Eclectic Magazine)~

Onions? Anyone?

Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline
	NEW YORK- 'What's happening here?' said a California resident after seeing a group of bankers leaning against a broken-down jalopy, their feet muddied and bare.

Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

WASHINGTON—The Bush twins spoke in unison and repeatedly beckoned Sasha Obama by chanting the phrases 'come play with us, forever' and 'Daddy's making fajitas.'

~They've also been freaked out by the creaking noises coming from Dick Cheney's coffin as he rises every night to feed...~ David Letterman

Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely

WASHINGTON—Thousands were left stranded at airports nationwide Tuesday, when the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all commercial flights due to the harsh, discordant squawks emitted by a nearby crow. 'We apologize to all passengers affected by the cancellations, but he sounds really close,' acting FAA administrator Robert Sturgell said at a press conference, adding that the nation's airport security officials have determined that the crow is in either a tree somewhere close by or possibly on a roof. 'Flights across the Eastern Seaboard will resume just as soon as we can shoo it away.' In the wake of these recent air traffic delays, President Obama has earmarked $3 billion from the bailout budget to finance the construction of a national scarecrow.

__________________________

	I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect Stephanie Auten

__________________________

Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do you think?

Andrea Lingel,
Farmer
"It makes me so mad to think that those little bastards are probably enjoying the hell out of themselves as they destroy all my corn."

Justin Hall,
Personal Assistant
"And all this time I thought locust plagues were sent by a vengeful and jealous God. Once again I have been delivered from the dark recesses of ignorance. Praise Jesus!"

Erik Poole,
Systems Analyst
"You know, this makes sense. My buddy Craig seems pretty happy, and he's always surrounded by thousands of locusts."

.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯

~We the willing, led by the unknown, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful...~

....Only in Northern Michigan

MAN ASSAULTED WITH A PIPE IN MECOSTA COUNTY
Police are looking for a man they say assaulted someone with a pipe in
Mecosta County. The assault happened early this morning in the Village of
Morley. Police say two men were at a home when they began arguing. The
victim went to leave when the suspect hit him with the pipe several times.
The suspect then took the pipe and ran. Deputies searched the area, but
have not located him. The victim was checked out by EMS.

¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨°º©©º°("\(*-*)/")°¨¨¨°º©©º¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨°º©©º°("\(*-*)/")°¨¨¨°º©©º¨¨¨¨°º©©º°¨¨¨°º©©º°

~ Contemplate for a moment the significance of......Lint.~

And now a word from Snopes.....

http://www.snopes.com/food/tainted/cutonions.asp
Leave my sammich alone....

http://www.snopes.com/photos/military/airman.asp
Okay as a general rule, I don't put anything from Snopes on here without it being true...But in this instance, I think this would be a refreshingly hilarious sight.

http://www.snopes.com/luck/stjoseph.asp
It also helps if you keep a voodoo doll of your competition handy and stick them with needles alot. That's how much this will help....Why isn't this under glurge?



No?

•·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·••·.·´¯`·.·•
~It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.~

Silly crap and FROM THE DESK OF PETE YATES!

Thank you Liz Lashmar!

This is so much what my cat would say...

--
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From the Desk of Pete Yates!
"Best picture was won by Slumdog Millionaire. Critics were saying the only way it could lose was if it had Sarah Palin as a running mate."



~It's probably true.~

NAKED MAN!!!

Police Taser Naked Man Outside Bay City Church
Posted: 2/20/2009

Going to church brought no peace to a man Tasered by police as he stood in the nude in 27-degree weather.

A funeral Mass was being held inside St. Mary of the Assumption Catholic Church when police received 911 calls about a naked man Friday morning. Sgt. Gordon Cameron says the man told officers he was having problems with his parents and wanted to go to church.

Cameron tells The Bay City Times that the man cursed and verbally abused police before Officer Troy Sierras immobilized him with a Taser, an electronic device that fires barbs causing temporary paralysis.

The man was draped in a blanket and taken to Bay Regional Medical Center for treatment.

Cameron says the man, whose name was withheld, likely wouldn't be charged with any crime.

(Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)
_________________________________________________________

 ~Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit~

This hurts to even think about...FROM THE *gulp* DESK OF PETE YATES!

Nothing funny about THIS story!  I think the thing that bothers me most is the first sentence.

From the Seattle Times online:

 

Inmate amputates his own penis in Monroe

A convicted murderer at the Washington state prison complex in Monroe was hospitalized after his second attempt to cut off his penis.

 

By The Associated Press

 

MONROE — A convicted murderer at the Washington state prison complex in Monroe was hospitalized after his second attempt to cut off his penis.

 

A spokeswoman for the Monroe Correctional Complex, Cathy Kopoian, says the 49-year-old inmate has a history of mental illness and already had amputated much of his genitalia several years ago.

 

Corrections Department spokesman Chad Lewis identified the inmate as John Forrester.

Forrester apparently used a razor blade to cut off what remained on Thursday. Kopoian tells The Herald in Everett that he was taken to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle with serious cuts to the groin. His condition was not immediately available Thursday night.

 

Kopoian says prisoners are permitted basic necessities — including razors — under state law.

 

Kopoian says Forrester was convicted on July 1, 1977, for aggravated first-degree murder and was sentenced to life without parole.

Seattle Times staff reporter Charles E. Brown contributed

to this report.

ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø( ô¿ô )ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`

~Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.~

Pimp the X

Mount Pleasant Police Investigating Distribution Of Pornographic Pictures
Posted: 2/19/2009

Police are investigating whether a man distributed a pornographic picture at an Isabella County bar along with his ex-wife's name and contact information.

Mount Pleasant police say the picture was distributed at a bar on the city's west side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.~

Onion sandwich with butter

Head Lice Going Around Senate
	WASHINGTON—'Everyone is going to make fun of me now,' said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who attempted to get rid of the lice by shaving her head.

_____________________________

FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format

WASHINGTON—Urging the estimated 60 million Americans who have not yet made the transition to the more advanced form of sustenance to do so as soon as possible, acting FDA commissioner Frank Torti announced Wednesday that the nationwide conversion to Digital Food (DF) will take place on Apr.17, 2009. 'The only thing consumers who currently rely on analog foods will need is a digital converter box, which you can purchase at any grocery store,' Torti said at a press conference, adding that every American household is eligible for a $40 coupon to digitize its current pantry. 'DF offers higher texture quality and better taste, as well as multiple spice choices and interactive capabilities. I must stress, however, that after the deadline you will no longer be able to eat your current food.' On the heels of the announcement, President Obama has begun pressuring the Senate to pass legislation that would require all food to be completely wireless by 2015.
______________________________

The Best Part Of Being A Cop Is Knowing That You're Completely Impervious To Bullets

Officer Rick Detweiler

_______________________________

		Muzak Files For Bankruptcy 'But they had such great hits like 'Boring Saxophone' and 'Sleepy Piano.'' — Darrell Malaga, Graffiti Removal

·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·* *-:¦:·*-:¦:-·*

~Bibles that are falling apart usually belong to people who are not.~

FROM THE DESK OF PETE YATES!!!

 

 

A man and his wife were watching a TV program on Psychology, when the man turned to his wife and said, "I bet you can't tell me something  that will make me happy and sad at the same time." 

 

 

She said,"You've got the biggest penis of all your friends."

DON'T DO IT YOUR A YOUNG MAN!

2/16 - Topless Bar Visit Costs Part-Time Kalkaska County Deputy His Badge

A Kalkaska County sheriff's deputy has been stripped of his badge after
going to a topless bar.  His job came into question when the sheriff
learned he was in uniform, and on duty.  Rick Robbins is a part-time
snowmobile deputy and is defending his January 30th stop at the Crossroads
Saloon in Rapid City.  He considers stopping at bars popular among
snowmobilers part of his law enforcement duties.  Robbins says he spoke
with the manager but not the dancers, and didn't drink any alcohol during
his 30-minute visit.  But Sheriff Dave Israel has placed Robbins on unpaid
suspension since the incident.  The undersheriff says Robbins spent an
unreasonable amount of time in the tavern.
--
.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.
~ IMPORTANT!!!

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS, THE STOCK MARKET CRASH, AND THE RISING
COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

Sincerely, The US Government~

Happy VD! From the Desk of Pete Yates! ....And oh yea, snopes....

Come now spin doctors, let us persist in scaring the nations parents with unsubstantiated rumors.... I mean we've finally got that pesky MMR thing going so now the diseases of the past are back to fill the lobby's and waiting rooms of bored family practitioners.
Now that the supreme court has blasted that into bits, lets go for something else that might cause parents some hesitation in giving over the counter treatment to their sick child and cause them more sleepless nights and bring up their stress level. They don't have anything else to worry about like, oh say, the economy or anything....
http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/motrin.asp

In the annals of "Who cares, the guy is dead?"
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/lincoln.asp

I don't pull over for anyone except a verifiable police officer.
I'll limp to the gas station, clearly lit house, convenience store, and call AAA.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/whittier.asp

--
.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.

....It was a boring day in England and there was nothing on television.....So lets do something creative?

Baby-faced boy Alfie Patten is father at 13
Read more in link below:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece

The baby father ... Alfie Patten with little Maisie

Thanks to TinaW for the article!
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Beer : help in making bad decisions since 300 BC

MECOSTA COUNTY WOMAN ACCUSED OF ASSAULTING SON
A Mecosta County woman is accused of using a vehicle to assault her son
and threatening to burn his house down.  Deputies say the woman and her
25-year-old son got into an argument at his home in Fork Township near
Diamond Lake.   They say the Barryton woman was intoxicated at the time.
They arrested her and took her to jail.

Um.

Onion stuff

Oh look, more viruses...How quaint....
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/valentine.asp

So what your saying is that, like the monks who copied the bible by hand and did art work to embellish them thus relieving themselves of boredom....Biscuit tin artists included nude and sexually explicit scenes to relieve themselves of....<insert your own explanation>....
http://www.snopes.com/business/hidden/biscuittin.asp

http://www.theonion.com

	Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword
		SETH'S BEDROOM—'I am more powerful than the most powerful man on earth, who is me,' shouted Huntarr the Warrior, after performing the splits for no apparent reason.

Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation

WASHINGTON—'The water's great,' said Dick Cheney after being dunked by a third-grader. 'Hopefully your unemployed dad can give you enough money for another turn.'

Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography

Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, AZ were surprised when a 30-second clip interrupted the final minutes of the Super Bowl. What do you think?

Erin Kopsak,
Systems Analyst
"Oh, that was porn? I thought that was what was happening on the Kiss Cam."

Clay Yonda,
Environmental Services Supervisor
"That's strange. Up where I live, we just had the Penguin interrupt the broadcast and threaten to bring Gotham City to its knees if we didn't give him $10 million."

Albert Korein,
Collections Clerk
"That was the only part of the Super Bowl that I understood."

Area Throat-Clearer To Go See Movie

CARBONDALE, PA—Local throat-clearer Leon Pollack, 32, confirmed with reporters Tuesday that he planned to see the 6:15 p.m. showing of the World War II epic Defiance at the Regal Cinema 16 on East Main Street. 'I'm really looking forward to this movie,' Pollack said while drinking a large glass of whole milk. 'And afterwards, I'm thinking I might—hurrrm…hurrrrrrrm! Excuse me. I'm thinking I might go to the reading room at the library for a couple of hours.' After downloading a new 'La Cucaracha' ring tone for his cell phone, Pollack went to pick up two of his friends, an 87-year-old woman who doesn't follow plotlines well and a colicky 2-month-old.

'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding Baby 02.07.09

PASADENA, CA—After estimating that he had held her long enough, Dan Rudloff quickly found a suitable candidate to whom he could relinquish control of the infant.



--
~ There comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming your parents for all the inadequacies of your own personality and start just accepting that you are in charge of your own bills for the psychiatrist....~

....From The Desk of Pete Yates!

So that was when the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started.....

 
****
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.....

  
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too.
And then the fight started.....


****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

A bit of humor from....THE DESK OF PETE YATES!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other

outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says,

"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream.

It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy!! I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year!!"