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Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence | |||
| | WASHINGTON—'Run for your lives! The president no longer has a masterful yet unpretentious command of the English language,' cried citizens from coast to coast. | ||
Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide
The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think?
Kelly Crotte,
Unemployed
"Really? Whenever I've tried to quit smoking my thoughts have always been distinctly homicidal, not suicidal."
Dave Tyler,
Systems Analyst
"How about that. Yet another thing that I, a person who is too smart to ever have picked up such a filthy habit, can lord over those disgusting smokers."
Kevin Carley,
Librarian
"That's weird, because Prozac makes me want to smoke. And Pepto-Bismol makes me want to shoplift. Agh! Medicine!"
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Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth
July 13, 2009 | Issue 45•29
WASHINGTON—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that the entire manpower of his increasingly disillusioned agency has been diverted into a massive nationwide search for some semblance of genuine, concrete truth.
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Opinion
I'm Not Questing With You Until You Admit You Screwed Up The Zul'Aman Raid
I have had enough, Paul. It is no longer worth the gold it costs to fly to the Ghostlands if my soldiers are going to fail me halfway through and leave the party running for its life, quaffing expensive potions, and dying before we've seen the second boss.
This is not my usual "raid postmortem" e-mail to the whole team. This is specifically directed at you, Paul, and will address the increasingly serious range of problems that have manifested themselves in the four months since you began raiding with the Destroyers of Infinity guild.
____________________________________________________________________________________________More on....................ALPENFEST
Holy dirndl's
and bloomencrans batman!
HIGHLIGHTS OF ALPENFEST '09 IN GAYLORD
Contestants at this year's Alpenfest went for the gold -- or the goldfish,
rather. The goldfish eating contest is one of the more competitive events
going on in Gaylord. But don't worry, no real goldfish were harmed.
Crowds gathered as the contestants stuffed themselves to the gills with
containers upon containers of goldfish crackers. Some chewed a few
crackers fast, while others just tried to shove them all down at once. If
you're still hungry for some competition, there's a pizza eating contest
today. And when it comes to selling merchandise at Alpenfest, vendors say
business is booming. The booths line downtown selling items like dirndl's
and bloomencrans. Other vendors not specifically geared toward Alpenfest,
like a make-your-own candle booth, are also filling up their cash
registers. Business is expected to stay consistent through the end of the
week.
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Stephen Leacock - "I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so."
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