Onion Slices.....

Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering Or by fumbling Supreme Court Justice.... (Did I say that?)
	WASHINGTON—'Well, I know one guy who doesn't need a job,' said the new president, growing more annoyed as it became clear clear that the thumping was not going to stop.

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

OSHKOSH, WI—Following the proclamation, the Mattress King and his retinue celebrated with great relish at Tinker's Pub, where the Wild Turkey did freely flow.

Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen

WASHINGTON—Moments after witnessing the historic inauguration of President Barack Obama Tuesday, the massive, euphoric crowd shifted to the White House gates to watch the rest of his four-year term unfold. 'This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the new president administrate as it happens,' said Hawaii resident Matt Rogers, who paid a scalper $100 to secure his portion of sidewalk until January 2013. 'These first 100 days will really set the tone for his presidency, and I'm going to see it all from 50 yards away.' This is reportedly the largest crowd of presidential spectators to assemble since 1974, when 20 million Americans stood for six months outside disgraced former president Nixon's home in San Clemente, CA just to rub it in.

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More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What you think?

Loretta Rinehart,
Materials Manager
"Finally, the day has come when I will no longer be ridiculed for eating a jelly and fish-paste sandwich."

Brian Hale,
Armored Car Messenger
"So, am I sick because of the salmonella or because I just ate 5 pounds of Reese's Pieces?"

Gregory Carpenter,
Systems Analyst
"I hope they get this figured out soon so I can return to providing my child with lunch."

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The recall does not affect those who have peanut butter in their cupboard that was opened before Christmas and has been being consumed for the past month and a half without incident....

Just so you know....

Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon

07:00AM ET |

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA—News that President Obama had called an immediate halt to detainee prosecutions came as a "welcome relief" to the Bengals'...