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Local Idiot To Post Comment On InternetHAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.
Enlarge Image Local Idiot
Mylenek, a moron, prepares to publicly address the "dumbest shiz [he's] evr seen!!!1!"
"Later this evening, I intend to watch the video in question, click the 'reply' link above the box reserved for user comments, and draft a response, being careful to put as little thought into it as possible, while making sure to use all capital letters and incorrect punctuation," Mylenek said. "Although I do not yet know exactly what my comment will entail, I can say with a great degree of certainty that it will be incredibly stupid."
Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would allege that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature.
"The result will be an astonishing combination of ignorance, offensiveness, and sheer idiocy," Mylenek said.
According to the idiot, he will become incensed at the quality and sentiment of the comments already posted below the video—which will include such replies as "not great, nice try tho," "FIRSTIES!!!" and "wtf?? lol so random." At this point, Mylenek said, he will feel a deep, unwavering desire to offer a dissenting opinion, which he has hinted will include the words "gay" and "reatrd" [sic].
"It is my moral obligation to alert the Internet community to the fact that this video is totally gay, and furthermore, that the individual who made it is a fag," Mylenek said.
Pressed for further details regarding his intended post, Mylenek, who will comment under the Internet pseudonym "xblingdaddy2005x," revealed that there is a strong possibility he will inadvertently post the comment twice.
"After clicking the 'submit' button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments," he said. "It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it."
Mylenek confirmed rumors that he will be momentarily sidetracked by another inane task while drafting his comment. The distraction is scheduled to come at 2:25 a.m. in the form of a "related video" link featuring a man being sodomized by a horse, which Mylenek will re-watch seven times and laugh obnoxiously at with his friend and fellow idiot, Steve Blanchette, 28.
"Once this minor diversion is complete, I will finish posting my comment, then sit there like the worthless human being I am and wait for other commenters to respond," he added. "Because, as I mentioned before, I have nothing better to do with my life."
Mylenek said he fully expects that his comment will spawn a series of replies from other idiots around the world, who will either agree with his stance, disagree with his stance, or call Mylenek himself a "d0uche" and post an irrelevant link to a separate video that they will claim to be "way funnier." According to Mylenek, this is all part of the plan.
"We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment," Mylenek said. "What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?"
According to media critic Judy Turner, this type of behavior is not uncommon among idiots.
"Brandon's comments in particular contain a degree of unoriginality and stupidity that you only see in the most muttonheaded and imbecilic Internet commenters," Turner said. "In fact, I've seen him use at least a dozen variations of the word 'gay.' Suffice it to say, Brandon Mylenek is a truly stupid, stupid idiot."
Mylenek concluded his press conference with a solemn vow to uphold the awful, unintelligible, anger-inducing quality of his past Internet comments.
"I promise everyone that this post will be exactly what you have come to expect from an idiot like myself," he said, "and that I will check my comment regularly so that I can call everyone who says it's stupid a fag."
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Nation To Try Its Luck Out West
Entire Population Seeking Greener Pastures
August 4, 2008 | Issue 44•32
Out West
THE FRONTIER—After having bravely endured rising fuel costs, unemployment, and a massive drought in consumer confidence, all 300 million Americans announced Monday that they will soon begin the long journey westward, abandoning their stakes in the crumbling housing market to seek the golden future that surely lies past the horizon.
Struggling to eke out a living for the past 20 decades, the U.S. populace has supported itself with odd jobs in the fur trade, tinkering, information technology, and pharmaceuticals industries, but has finally succumbed to the mounting pressures of modern life. The nation plans to strike out on its own come fall, when the weather's cooler, hoping to make its fortune and perhaps find a little patch of soil to call its own in the sprawling wilderness between O'Hare International Airport and the Great Pacific Ocean.
Enlarge Image Goin' West
"There just ain't nothing left to do but pack what we can carry and head out West," said Arizona native Charles Kuhn, 42, who was recently laid off from his position at a fancy advertising agency. "Out past the mighty Mississip' all a man needs is a strong back and a good horse. Heck, won't take but two weeks under them wide-open skies to build a house, plant some squash, and wrangle a little graphic design† work with full benefits, genuine growth potential, and two weeks' paid vacation. Now that thar's the life for me."
"I hear there's a good steady creek and some open pasture just outside San Diego," added Kuhn, charging his cell phone one last time as he traced his finger along a crinkled, hand-drawn map bearing the ol' "I-5 N" trail he will follow to the California seaside town. "My cousin went out there and he's doing real fine. Real fine. Says they got good jobs with annual cost-of-living adjustments just falling out of the hills out there."
Leaving behind the woes of their bustling cities, small mining towns, large auto-manufacturing towns, suburbs of auto-manufacturing towns, and the economically stagnant state of Nebraska, the pioneers will set out across the vast Western expanse with nothing but the promise of opportunity and a few old resumés. Although it remains unclear what they might find in that savage territory, some sources indicate the move may bring a significant boost in self-employment, prevent thousands of bankruptcies, and allow settlers an opportunity to learn agricultural techniques from the Mexican folk who sometimes wander over the border.
Robert Wong, once an associate with Bear Stearns in New York, said the moribund securities industry has left him in such a financial mess that he has no choice but to take his wife and two pretty young daughters out West. The 52-year-old reportedly plans to ride out violent market fluctuations in the foothills of the Ochoco Mountains.
"Don't know what waits for me out there, but when you hear the dull roar of the Rockies, all the bank-foreclosure warnings and high-interest credit-card offers in the world can't keep a man indoors," Wong said. "Yes, sir. I've just got to make my last car payment, cash out what's left of my 401(k), default on [daughter] Emily's student loans, and strip the house of copper wiring, and then it's 'Oregon or the Grave.'"
The federal government has not yet issued any plans for dealing with the mass exodus, which is expected to have wide-scale economic repercussions in the abandoned regions, including a complete collapse of consumer trading and a short burst in hardtack sales. However, the House of Representatives will begin debate on bipartisan measure H.R. 3492, which would declare a state of emergency on the East Coast and provide tax breaks to those who remain behind, as soon as Congress reconvenes next month at a cabin in Rock Springs, WY.
"Everywhere across this land, hard-working men and women have come to see that anyplace is better than here," said Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who is giving up his $169,300-a-year job in search of work in the railroads. "No matter how bad things get or how dark tomorrow may seem, the one thing Americans can always count on is the promise of a better life somewhere else."
At press time, the approximately 2 million square miles of land that make up the American West are experiencing the most severe rash of wildfires and earthquakes in recent history.
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Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'
Comedienne Kathy Griffin reportedly said she would not appear on Dancing With The Stars. What do you think?
Young Woman
Anne Norton,
Electrician
"How adorable! Her first standard."
Black Man
Michael McAfrey,
Systems Analyst
"Well, in that case, I will also not appear on Dancing With The Stars."
Young Man
Andre Moorcock,
Dog Groomer
"Wait, does she know that you get paid for being on that show?"
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Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud
I'm going to get right to the point, because hemming and hawing and being polite has gotten me nowhere. The people on television need to stop shouting at the tops of their lungs and start talking at a much lower volume. It's that simple. I've asked them to quiet down over and over for the past 15 years, but they don't listen to me. They probably can't even hear me over all their yelling.
Why do they think they need to talk so loud? I'm sitting right here on the couch three feet away! There's no need to shout. I'm not deaf. Just talk to me in a normal tone of voice like I'm a normal human being. That's the way I talk to people—at a nice, respectful level. Ask anyone if Bob Denino shouts at folks when they're directly in front of his face and they'll tell you that he doesn't do that.
Even as I'm writing this, they're shouting. Yak yak yak. There's just no stopping them. SHUT UP! STOP YELLING! PLEASE STOP ALL YOUR YELLING! They're still going.
My neighbors are always complaining, telling me to keep it down and to knock off the racket. Me? It's the people on TV making all the noise! My neighbors have televisions. They know what the people on there are like. Screaming all day and all night. They just never—hold on one sec…. Pipe down in there! You're going to wake up the whole block! These people, I swear. You can't be rational with them.
I wish there were a way to make them talk a few decibels softer. I've done everything I possibly can. I've shushed them, I've threatened to call the police, I even picked up the remote control one day and threw it at the television screen. They just kept right on yapping.
It's not like I'm some 85-year-old man with big old hearing aids—I hear fine. Sure, I miss a word or two when I'm on the phone trying to order food, but it's because the people on the television are talking so loud that I can't even hear myself speak. Don't they know it's rude to shout while somebody's on the phone? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?! They're not listening. They never listen.
There's no way to escape their constant yelling, either. I got people on TV screaming at me in the kitchen, in the living room, in the bedroom, every room in the house. All talking at once, usually not even about the same thing. They just love to hear the sound of their own voices, and all that noise basically makes this place unlivable. I've lived here since 1993, and I have not had one moment of peace and quiet. I can never get any work done. I get headaches all the time. I'd go down to the basement, but there's nothing to do down there. No TV, no nothing.
What's worse, I'm pretty sure they just keep on yelling even when I'm not here. I can hear them talking from outside my front door when I come home from work, and when I walk in, they're already in the middle of a shouting match. Are they insane? Who the heck are they talking to?
I'm sad to say it, but sometimes I stoop to their level and sit right in front of the television and start shouting for hours and hours right back at them. I'll bash pots and pans like that one woman who screams at me from her kitchen. I'll mock that inquisitive, but very loud Charlie guy by repeating his questions in a mocking tone. And I'll bang on the piano keys in my living room to drown out the bald man with sunglasses who plays his keyboards really loud at 11:30 at night. Eleven-thirty at night, for cripe's sake! Some people are trying to get to sleep!
I'll tell you what, if these people don't quiet down soon, I think I'm going to lose it.
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