Thanks Moldy!
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For those here who are my friends and family, just a quick note to let you know that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the guests involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea from last year.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic skull goblet or the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. I assure you it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The kids will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the kids recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the kids should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
I toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, I chose to keep the traditional method. I've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, I will ask the kids to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door maybe.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not enter to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren't too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
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That's awesome. But she left out that she will not be held responsible for those people who end up with Salmonella poisoning, since you're all too lame and cheap to have dinner at your house and since you all believed that this was a good idea to have it at mine.
Have you not talked to my husband about my cooking skills?
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~One time we had a picnic at the lake on July the Fourth and oddly, my husband and I got sick with the flu the next day....It just came on all the sudden and no one had been sick around us? ~
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