AlexGariepy: 
NEW YORK—In an announcement with far-reaching implications for the fate of human civilization, a time-traveling man from the 22nd century revealed Monday that, in the future, earth's inhabitants consume Dippin' Dots rather than traditional ice cream.
"People of the 21st century, the future holds great and wonderful things," said the man, who only identified himself as "Wolcott," during an address televised in all of the world's countries. "One hundred years from now, dessert items are made by flash-freezing beads of cream with liquid nitrogen, then storing them in subzero conditions. People enjoy these treats with great regularity, and often remark upon how delicious they taste."
'Put down your crude melting desserts of churned animal's milk and embrace the glorious world of high-tech flash-frozen treats.' –The Future Man
"We call this ubiquitous dessert of the future 'Dippin' Dots,'" the man added.
Wolcott, a self-described physicist and adventurer who traveled back in time from 2147 New York City, expressed disbelief that cryogenic encapsulation was not yet humanity's primary dessert-making technique, and called present-day dessert options "confusing."
"What is this primitive 'iced cream' you people consume?" Wolcott asked as he cautiously handled a two-scoop chocolate ice-cream cone and examined it with curiousity. "Today, I saw human beings putting cold dairy products into their mouths—products of an odd, thick consistency and bland monochromatic color. Why would people eat this syrupy gruel when they could eat hundreds of individually frozen orbs? In my time, when a meal is completed, we all eat bowls of Dippin' Dots. I cannot conceive of any other way of life."
As ice cream melted and dripped onto his hand, Wolcott shrieked, threw the cone to the ground, and stamped on it repeatedly with his foot.
Pressed to explain what life is like in his time, Wolcott described a fantastical world in which grocers' freezers are stocked exclusively with Dippin' Dots, birthdays are celebrated with hot-fudge Dippin' Dots sundaes, and, in the summertime, children run excitedly through the streets following the familiar jingle of a Dippin' Dots truck. The Dippin' Dots man then distributes cups of Dippin' Dots to the children, who rejoice heartily. Dippin' Dots, the future man said, are a world-famous treat and a staple of Americana.
"As soon as I arrived in your era, I entered a dining establishment and asked to see the dessert menu, as I had a not-unusual craving for Dippin' Dots," Wolcott said. "Yet my eyes encountered a series of words and pictures completely foreign to me, and I began to weep, for I realized that I am a stranger in a strange land where Dippin' Dots are not a popular and universally beloved dessert."
The soon-to-be ubiquitous delight.
According to Wolcott, technological advances in microbiology and cold storage will make it possible to mass-produce Dippin' Dots and distribute them worldwide, allowing mankind to abandon its archaic system of slowly churning fresh dairy ingredients into a rich, velvety cream.
"It seems the legends of 21st-century man's crude ice cream–eating habits are all true," Wolcott said. "I see the way you consume these dripping concoctions with protruding tongues, the way the dark cream dribbles down your chins, the way your workers must dig tirelessly with spherical metal 'scooping' devices to even obtain this product."
"Barbarians!" Wolcott added. "Dippin' Dots can be poured effortlessly into cups. They do not melt or make a mess, and plus they are very fun to eat."
Wolcott revealed that, a century from now, standard flavors such as chocolate and vanilla will be replaced by more innovative Dippin' Dots flavors like Cherry Berry Ice, Tropical Tie-Dye, and Candy Bar Crunch. He also cryptically foretold of something called the "dotwich," a mysterious confection he only described as "a combination of Dippin' Dots and fudge placed between two cookies."
The prevailing reaction among U.S. citizens has been one of dismay. "No ice cream?" said Deborah Cirillo, 42, of Montville, NJ. "Boo."
"I must go now, for I grow tired and I hunger for Dippin' Dots," said Wolcott, concluding the address. "I only hope that your culture survives long enough to experience an era in which the delicious and unique Dippin' Dots–brand frozen dairy dessert that I enjoy so freely is fully embraced and widely available. Good luck, and godspeed."
Before he left, Wolcott also mentioned that, in the future, 99 percent of the world's population has AIDS and we are all slaves to the machines.
Take a look around at the state of our schools, the violence on TV, and the drugs on our streets, and you'll see why so many of our children are struggling for a better life. These kids need someone on their side. They need a powerful force to set them on the right trajectory and keep them out of prison, or worse, the morgue. They need pole-vaulting.
That's why I'm donating $11.5 million to start the Paul LaBradford Foundation for Pole- Vaulting—because no child should grow up without access to the world's greatest sport that involves propelling oneself over a horizontal bar.
See, growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Chicago's South Side, I learned firsthand how dirty life can get. I saw friends taken out by addiction, and friends taken out by bullets. My mother was too drunk to buy us food—never mind drive me 25 miles to the nearest pole-vaulting center to distract me from the alluring call of gang life.
But I got out. I went on to Emory University where I majored in microbiology, and then got my MBA at Georgetown before starting an extremely successful private investment fund, Voyage Capital, which now manages more than $1.2 billion in assets in 11 different countries. I don't want to see the children of Chicago struggle to achieve my level of success without an essential foundation in pole-vaulting.
The statistics are sobering. Studies have shown that less than 5 percent of the poorest urban youth have adequate pole-vaulting facilities. Sadly enough, many schoolchildren have never even pole-vaulted at all, and less than 1 percent go on to pursue a career in pole-vaulting after leaving school. By comparison, 9 percent of American college students have received some exposure to the valuable character-building experience that sprinting full speed, stopping suddenly, and then elevating many feet into the air due to altered angular momentum around a fulcrum can be.
Let's make pole-vaulting a right, not a privilege.
For millions of kids, there is no hope of practicing pole-vaulting in a well-maintained, modern facility. Most scrape by with outdated, nonregulation poles and cardboard shoes. Some must rely on broomsticks nailed hastily together, or a rusted length of pipe. These poor forgotten youngsters are often forced to land on an old blood- and urine-soaked mattress or some garbage bags filled with broken glass.
We can change all that. One pole at a time.
I want to make sure that every child living in a squalid, one-bedroom tenement with no heat or hot water has access to the finest high-impact collapsible mats that money can buy. Even if they can't count on a steady father figure or even their next meal, I want them to have one place they can go for high-grade hand chalk and those special spiked sneakers pole-vaulters need to wear when they're pole-vaulting. I want these kids, hardened by grim realities of the 'hood, to trade in their guns for 11-foot fiberglass poles.
When our foundation is in place, no park or schoolyard or juvenile detention center will go without a 131.2-foot runway again. We'll hold midnight pole-vaulting events for teens. Our Head Start program will outfit preschools with miniature pole-vaulting tracks. And we'll even include our nation's at-risk seniors who are young at heart, and provide extra padding in the landing pits for their brittle, brittle bones.
But pole-vaulting is not just a way out of impossibly futile circumstances. It's also a great metaphor: The runway is like life. It's flat, and you have to run over it, planting your hands and your feet carefully at just the right moment. The bar is an event in your life, and the pole is the support of your family and God. Hitting the bar is like not succeeding, but clearing it is like overcoming obstacles. And falling to the mat is like falling onto a huge blue mat. You keep raising the bar, pushing yourself until you've reached the highest heights and there is nothing left to accomplish, no challenge to meet. Then you start a pole-vaulting foundation for underprivileged youths.
Won't you please donate today? Then we can get to work on providing shuffleboards to developing nations.
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Guitar maker Gibson is suing MTV Networks and Electronic Arts, stating that the company has not been paid for a patent it owns for virtual guitar playing. What do you think?
Cassie Binnis,
Systems Analyst
"Finally, the name Gibson will be synonymous with fake guitars."
Tim Bradley,
Janitor
"Now that I think of it, Capcom never paid me a dime for the patent I hold for virtual street fighting."
Bruce LaSaard,
Elevator Installer
"Excuse me, but after last week's championship game at Ray's Creekside Tavern, I believe it is I who owns Guitar Hero."
Not really, it's a pretend, stuffed, toy cat...Honestly the SPCA would be all over them. Come on!!!
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Zee:
AlexGariepy:NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage at "all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November.
"Usually I know well in advance who I want to win," the Bronx resident said while assembling his M40 United States Marine Corp standard-issue sniper rifle. "But there are just too many good choices—a black man, a woman, and a war hero who frequently advocates sending my brothers straight back into death's cold embrace."
"This would be so much easier if [John] Edwards was still running," Seaver added. "He has such a nice smile and the angels told me through the radio that he must be destroyed."
According to a CBS News /New York Times poll, Seaver is not alone. Of the nearly 600 undecided assassins who responded to the poll, 37 percent said they strongly favor either Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) or Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) to win. Nearly 22 percent reported that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) would be an excellent choice based on such key factors as his immobility, his inability to raise his arms above his head to shield his face, and his stance on campaign-finance reform. The remaining 40 percent responded that, due to growing disillusionment with the voting system and unsatisfying platforms from all the frontrunners, they would be happy to shoot any one of the candidates through the chest and throat from an abandoned factory.
One assassin told pollsters that he is still hopeful that Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) will be elected in November. However, even if Paul fails to win the presidency, the respondent fully intends to carry out his plans to stab Paul to death in December.
While a majority of the nation's assassins remain uncommitted, some political analysts believe they have begun leaning toward a candidate. Clinton remains a favorite among white assassins over 50 and a small but loyal commune of supporters hiding out in rural Colorado. But some speculate that Obama may be able to surpass her with his cross-demographic appeal.
"Barack Obama is the most charismatic leader we've seen since John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy—even Martin Luther King, Jr. for that matter," said 47-year-old mail clerk David Silas Weiss, who spoke with a pronounced stutter. "When someone like him is able to capture the hearts and minds of an entire generation so much so that their untimely passing would cause a nationwide decay of youthful idealism—well, it's our responsibility as informed voters to splatter his brains all over the place."
Weiss went on to say he believes Obama is the "only candidate out there" whose death can consummate his blood-marriage to actress Christina Ricci.
Though the prospect of a brief Obama White House is attractive to many assassins, NBC political analyst Andrea Mitchell has predicted that the historical significance of electing and then assassinating the first female president could be this year's unifying issue among the group. She also projected that Sen. John McCain's poll numbers would slip during the general campaign as more and more trained killers become better acquainted with the nominee.
"Historically, assassins vote for the candidate whose death is capable of plunging the nation into a crippling malaise," Mitchell said. "With that said, McCain really doesn't have a chance in November. However, this voting bloc is extremely volatile. Even after all the ballots are cast and there's a new president in the White House, it's nearly impossible to tell what is going through their heads."
At least one voter has made his decision. Gerald W.P. Krepps, a 32-year-old librarian from Orlando, FL, said he respects McCain's strong convictions and can tell the senator is doing his best to reach out to the nation's assassins.
"McCain doesn't skirt around the issues or avoid controversial topics," Krepps said. "He's said in no uncertain terms that he has a decisive plan to win the war in Iraq and promises to hold still during all public speaking engagements."
Added Krepps, "It's all right there in the first and fourth letters of every third word of his speech transcripts."
Though plenty of time remains, the primaries have proved that all the candidates can inspire a record turnout among a demographic that typically prefers to stay inside their dark, dank apartments. Clinton and Obama in particular continue to motivate a younger generation who, for the first time in their lives, are actually thinking about going out and registering an automatic weapon.
"Whether you are a 38-year-old man receiving instructions from television test patterns, a loner college student disillusioned with a morally bankrupt world, or a homeless woman caught up in blinding hysteria, I am counting on your support," Sen. Clinton said to a group of would-be assassin voters in Youngstown, OH last Sunday. "I will make this pledge each and every American: If you make me your president, even for just a few seconds, I will proudly let you blow my brains out."
____________________________________________________________________ CRESSKILL, NJ—In news that has made you wonder why you ever even talk to that guy in the first place, David Krysh, that prick you can't stand, has announced his intentions to meet up with you at the Canyon Road Bar & Grill later tonight. Although you had intended for this outing to be restricted to people whose company you genuinely enjoy, the guy who is impossible to have a conversation with will be showing up at 8:00 p.m. and will sit right next to you. Krysh has also announced plans to bring along a few of his friends, including that one tall guy with the sweaty hands, a development you have classified as stinking wonderful. 
Are you tired of all those other women who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before she gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!
Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment!
I've slashed my hopes for finding Mr. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your buddy's 4x4? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting!
It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexuality—absolutely free!
But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying!
How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 26-year-old figure and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for any woman under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of men could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do.
I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go!
Now, I know some women might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not Karen Lohtse on March 4 a half hour before closing time at Skeepers! I recently found out my ex-boyfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to you—the good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Back hair? One-bedroom apartment with roommate? No hablas inglés? If you've got a compliment about my eyes and a pulse, let's make a deal and get you inside me immediately.
I'm practically giving myself away!
How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes?
Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with.
________It's better with Onion___________________________| click on the image to view it. |
 By Glitterrock |
